Deciding to grow into your true femininity as a woman means choosing to become the best version of yourself. This is never a finished process but rather a life-long journey. We can always learn and improve more. Femininity is not merely a fashion style or a personality type; it’s something that runs deep in the character of what it means to be female. This doesn’t mean it necessarily comes naturally to be feminine all the time. We must overcome our selfish, lazy, greedy instincts as humans in order to tap into our higher true potential of who we were made to be. I have previously identified what I think three core traits of femininity are. The first of these is nurture – but how can we become more nurturing as women? Femininity is inseparable from nurturing because that’s what motherhood, family, friends, community, hospitality, and homemaking are all about.
Loving Hearts
To become nurturing we must first have loving hearts. We should let our hearts be soft to feel compassion and empathy for others, especially those who are more vulnerable than us. This may mean we particularly feel for children, animals, the poor, the oppressed, or people undergoing difficult circumstances or mental health struggles. We should practice putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, remembering that everyone has their own backstory and fears. I think gentleness is something we can cultivate and we can learn to find something to love in everyone around us. Once we position our heart from a place of love, that compassion will naturally begin to overflow in our everyday actions. Having a loving heart means genuinely caring for the people around us, helping them feel safe in our presence, and seeking out ways to nurture those in need.
Protective Boundaries
Having a loving heart doesn’t mean we let people take advantage of us. A loving heart must be kept safe by protective boundaries or we are of no use to anyone. We need to be able to judge and discern both people and situations so that we can continue to nurture those that matter most. Our safety comes first and we mustn’t let it be compromised. If you sense a dangerous situation, get out of there. Nurturing also means nurturing ourselves so, even if it’s not potentially harmful and they’re all good things to do, sometimes we will have to prioritise what is most important to us and say no to things. Femininity is about being strong in our gentleness, and so a gentle heart must have strong boundaries. Be kind always, but don’t let your kindness get taken advantage of or manipulated. It’s not your responsibility to help everyone. You’re not the saviour of the world. Nurture those you can, then pray for other people to reach those you can’t.
Encouraging Spirits
When you have a loving heart and protective boundaries in place, let your nurturing power touch others’ lives by communicating with an encouraging spirit. Words are impactful. They can make someone’s day or devastate them. Words last longer than just the time it takes for you to speak them, so be intentional and make sure that yours build people up. Encourage the people in your life. Lift them up, inspire them, show them who you see they could be, and support them in growing into their beautiful potential. Encouragement is in actions as well as words. Make sure that your energy and presence helps bring out the best in those around you. Reinforce positive behaviour by acknowledging it. If you have a close enough relationship that the other person feels safe with you, then hold them accountable as well and let them know you believe they can be better. Nurturing is about helping life to grow, flourish, and thrive. Try to leave everyone a little better than you found them. That is the true power of feminine nurture.
In a way I view my blog as a scrapbook and a place to gather interesting information, thoughts, links, and resources. I hope it can act as a library for those of you also seeking to grow as feminine women. Below I’ve shared several videos by different women who I think have wisdom to share on a range of topics. Clearly there are too many videos to listen to in one sitting, but if femininity is a topic that interests you, then this list is worth coming back to when you have time. There is much to be learnt from listening to the ideas and experiences of other women, and I wanted to share some voices you may not otherwise come across. I hope you can learn something of interest from them.
Hagar was Sarah’s Egyptian maid and a slave whom Sarah had presumably gained during her time in Egypt. She became the mother of Ishmael with Abraham, Sarah’s husband. In the New Testament Hagar’s name is sometimes translated as Agar. The Bible doesn’t tell us anything about her early life. The first mention of Hagar is after she had already been living with Sarah and Abraham in the wilderness of Canaan for ten years. We know that she lived around 2000 BC. This was the time of the Bronze Age and the Middle Kingdom in Egypt, when pharaohs ruled with absolute power. She lived in a hard world, but Hagar was resilient and tough. She was a survivor. Her story tells that survival is possible even under the harshest conditions and that, even in those most difficult of circumstances, God sees us and cares for us. Through God, our troubles can be transformed into testimony.
A Surrogate Mother
Hagar’s mistress, Sarai (who was later renamed Sarah), longed to have a child. Since Sarai was unable to have a child of her own, she gave Hagar to her husband Abram (who was later renamed Abraham) so that Hagar could have children on her behalf. It was Sarai’s idea and Abram agreed, but there is no mention of Hagar’s opinions on the matter. Although this treatment of both Hagar and marriage was terribly wrong, it was an accepted custom of the time. In the cultures surrounding them it was thought a wife’s role was to provide children. If she was unable to have children herself, it was considered her responsibility to find another woman to have children on her behalf. Abram and Sarai had been called out of those surrounding cultures into the wilderness because God wanted to set their family apart. They were to learn God’s will so they could become a nation of priests to those surrounding cultures. However, in the context Sarai’s decision is understandable. Regardless of the rights or wrongs, Hagar and Abram slept together.
A Proud Spirit
Slavery was common in Ancient Egypt, although it wasn’t as big an enterprise as it became later on in antiquity. Slaves in Ancient Egypt were often better off than the poor peasants but that does not, of course, take away from the fact that it was still an abuse of human rights. We don’t know how Hagar ended up in her position. She may have been born into slavery, or perhaps her family sold her to pay their own debts. We can only speculate. What we do know is that Hagar may have been a slave separated from her own people and country, but she was no trampled spirit. Hagar had pride – but pride became her sin. When she found out she was pregnant, she began to despise and look down on Sarai. She had succeeded where Sarai had failed, even though Sarai was her mistress. She, Hagar, would be the mother of Abram’s only child.
In arrogance, Hagar began to lord it over Sarai and rub salt into her most vulnerable wound. For all it had been Sarai’s idea, she hadn’t anticipated this outcome. There would be no joy in sharing this child now. Instead there was only great hurt and competition. Sarai responded with jealousy. After Abram refused to intervene and told Sarai to do what she liked, Sarai began to abuse her position. She was cruel and mistreated Hagar harshly. Sarai may not have been the mother, but she was still the woman in charge! This story is so sad. It’s the first tale of female-against-female rivalry in the Bible. Instead of uniting to love the child they had longed for, they turned on each other with cruelty. For both Hagar and Sarai, their identities hung too much on the worth they thought they gained through a child. Their value didn’t depend on motherhood. God always loved them both.
Bold Before God
Hagar ran away. She had no idea where she would go but she couldn’t stay with Sarai anymore. She took off alone into the wilderness, her unborn child still within her. While Hagar was travelling to Shur, she paused at a fountain in the wilderness. It was there that the angel of the Lord met Hagar. He asked her where she had come from and where she was going. The angel must have already known what was going on, so it would appear he was asking the questions for Hagar’s benefit, asking her to reflect for herself and showing that God cared. God already knows everything, but He wants to have a relationship with us and hear from us ourselves. Hagar answered the first question, sharing where she had come from and why, but not the second question. The truth was, she didn’t know where she was going. She was lost, with no plan. The angel told Hagar to return and submit to Sarai, which was no doubt not what Hagar wanted to hear. However, the angel of the Lord promised Hagar that she would have many descendants and that her unborn child would be a son whom she was to call Ishmael because God had heard her. In Hebrew, Ishmael means ‘God hears’.
The angel of the Lord told Hagar that her son Ishmael would be a wild man and a fighter who would live in enmity with his brothers. Hagar was a survivor and it seems that her son Ishmael was to act out that trait in his own way. Hagar had been abused by her adoptive family, and Ishmael was to live in conflict with and be estranged from his family. The failings of one generation negatively impacted not only Hagar but the next generation with her son. Injustice has lasting consequences, but God then as now worked hope into the tragic human mess. Hagar had been captive, but her son Ishmael would be wild. Hagar was seen by God. Even though in the eyes of the world she was little more than a miserable slave who may as well have been invisible, the great God of Abraham knew Hagar. He saw her as infinitely precious and loved her in spite of her flaws. That realisation must have been awe-inspiring for Hagar.
Boldly, she named the God who had named her child. Hagar called God ‘Thou God seest me’, identifying a part of His character. Even when the people who are supposed to show God’s love fail, even when they sin and are hurtful, God still cares and God still hears us. Hagar is one of few people in the Bible to directly hear a covenant from God, and one of even fewer to give a name to God. She recognised God’s kindness in the privilege of this by asking in wonder, had she really there seen Him who sees her? Hagar also named the well after the encounter, which in Hebrew became known as Beer-lahai-roi. Obeying God’s directions, Hagar returned to Sarai and Abram. She must have told them of her encounter, because when gave birth to a son Abram called him Ishmael as God had told Hagar to do.
The Other Woman
Hagar continued to live with Sarai and Abram for another 14 years. During those years Ishmael had been an only child growing up in the rather confused family arrangements. However, when Ishmael was about 14 years old, Sarah and Abraham (for so they had been renamed in that time) finally had the child together that God had promised them. Ishmael didn’t think much of his new baby half-brother Isaac. No doubt he had been brought up with the rivalry of his mother Hagar and his step-mother Sarai. Ishmael mocked his baby half-brother. Sarah saw him doing so and complained to Abraham, insisting that Hagar and Ishmael must be cast out because Ishmael would not inherit along with her Isaac. This grieved Abraham because he loved his son Ishmael and was concerned for Hagar, but God told Abraham to listen to Sarah and do as she said. God told Abraham not to worry because He would make Ishmael into nation for Abraham’s sake. Early the next morning, Abraham took bread and water which he gave to Hagar and put on her shoulder himself. Hagar was sent away along with her son Ishmael.
In the Wilderness Again
Hagar wandered through wilderness of Beer-sheba with Ishmael. When she ran out of water, she hid her son in the shrubs and went to sit a long way off herself so she wouldn’t have to see him die. Hagar wept. She was alone in the desert with no hope of a future. She’d been cast out from the only family she’d known for the past 24 years. She had nowhere to go, no one to go to, and no one would even know when she died let alone mourn it. They’d been given limited resources, which had helped for a while, but now there was nothing left. Her son Ishmael was the only person she had in the world and now he was surely going to die. Her mother’s heart broke. They didn’t have enough water to make it to any habitation, and even if they did it would hardly be safe for them there. They were strangers and foreigners. She was a single woman with nothing of value to give, accompanied only by a young teenage boy. She didn’t want to think what could happen to her son, let alone her. This was the hostile Bronze age after all. The world was a wild, dangerous place. But that wasn’t something she had to worry about, because they weren’t even going to make it that far.
They were going to die right here, right now, alone. Hagar resigned herself to that fact. She already felt parched and weak from walking so far in the strong sun with not a drop of water left. She had left Ishmael in the shrubs to shade him at least a bit from the sun’s cruel heat, but there was no doubt he was going to die. The only relief she could give was to not witness it herself. She couldn’t cope with that. She just couldn’t. As Hagar sat, desolate, in the wilderness, she lifted her voice and wept. All was lost. Except it wasn’t. God heard the boy crying out and the angel of God called to Hagar out from heaven. What’s the matter, Hagar? God called. I imagine Hagar didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that moment. What was the matter?! Wasn’t it obvious?!
God continued, telling Hagar not to fear because He had heard Ishmael’s voice where he was. It seems strange that God said he was responding to Ishmael’s voice, when the Bible has just been telling us about Hagar crying. Maybe God was trying to teach Hagar something. Hagar had sat far enough away that she couldn’t hear Ishmael, but God could still hear him. God had seen her before when she felt unseen. Now God heard Ishmael who she was trying not to hear herself. God was a God who sees. Ishmael was well named: ‘God hears’. Even when we come to the end of ourselves, God is still with us and loves us beyond measure. God told Hagar to go and lift up the boy and promised that He would make a nation of Ishmael. Then God opened her eyes to see a well of water nearby that she hadn’t seen before. Hagar filled her bottle with water from the well and gave it to Ishmael to drink. They were saved.
Matriarch of Her Own Nation
God remained with Ishmael as he grew up in the wilderness and became an archer. They lived in the wilderness of Paran. In time, when Ishmael was full-grown, Hagar took him a wife from Egypt. Finally, Hagar had agency and power of her own. They had survived alone in the wilderness against all odds with God’s help, and now God had made her the matriarch of the beginnings of her own nation. Ishmael had a wife and would found a nation, as God had promised. As the angel of the Lord had said, Ishmael became a wild survivor and fighter from a broken family. The world had abandoned them, so they must learn to survive on their own. Hagar cared for Ishmael as a single mother. However, it appears not all ties were completely severed with the family of Abraham. Abraham had lived an unusually long life. Ishmael was born when Abraham was 86 years old, Isaac was born when he was 100, and then Abraham lived to be a total of 175 years old. When Abraham eventually died, it seems the then 89-years-old Ishmael cared enough to attend Abraham’s burial along with his 75-year-old younger half-brother Isaac.
The two brothers had never got to know each other, since Hagar and Ishmael left when Isaac was still a baby. I’m curious as to what that meeting was like. Was it tense? Were they bound by a common grief? Did it finally take them a lifetime to reconcile? Or did they avoid each other as much as possible and just attend to burying their father? How did Isaac let Ishmael know that Abraham was dead? Did they know where each other lived and had they met again before? The Bible says that Ishmael’s hand would be against every man and that every man’s hand would be against him. Ishmael was a fighter who would dwell in the presence of all his brethren. That does not sound like reconciliation was an option to Ishmael. However, that is all we know. The Bible simply doesn’t say. Nor does it say whether Hagar lived to see Abraham’s funeral with her son, or whether she died before then.
Hagar’s Hope
There is one mention of Hagar in the New Testament where she is used as an allegory along with Sarah. I have written about this previously in my blog article on Sarah, so I won’t say as much here. In the allegory, Hagar the bondmaid represents this broken world and the old covenant of the Jewish people. Hagar was a survivor but there was pain and hurt in her story. The New Testament allegory points out that we no longer belong to that broken world as through Jesus Christ’s sacrifice we have been granted citizenship to the kingdom of God and a heavenly rather than the earthly Jerusalem. That doesn’t mean we won’t still suffer on earth. Even Jesus himself underwent suffering. However, the point of the allegory is that we have been granted an inheritance by God and are free through Christ instead of being slaves to other spiritual forces. Instead of being bound like Hagar the bondmaid, we can now be free like Sarah the freewoman. In other words, there is now a new hope for the Hagars of the world. God sees you, hears you, loves you, and wants you to be free in Christ.
‘And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?’
‘Being female is a matter of birth. Being a woman is a matter of age. Being a lady is a matter of choice.’
Anonymous
‘Do not live someone else’s idea of womanhood. Womanhood is you.’
Viola Davis
‘We start marketing to women and we start marketing to men, and it all of a sudden becomes, the aim becomes this biblical womanhood, biblical manhood. The aim isn’t that – I’m already a woman! My aim is to be a disciple of Christ. My aim is eternal communion with the triune God and one another.’
Aimee Byrd
What does it mean to become a more feminine woman? It’s been nearly one and a half years now since I started writing Feminine Finishing School and contemplating this question. I think healthy femininity comes from being strong in our gentleness and embracing both aspects of that. There are fun adornments we can add to express our femininity such as beautifying our appearance, learning etiquette, and developing creative skills, but those are not the most important part of femininity. Our first aim should be growing in Christlikeness, and then we can add extra accomplishments that match our personal expressions of femininity.
Feminine women are not separated from masculine men or anyone else. We are all humans who should strive to be true images of God. Our goal should be to develop the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23): love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control. Most important of all is that we are living witnesses of God’s love. We should love God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, and all our strength, and we must love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). If we don’t love, then is doesn’t matter how beautiful we may appear or how charming or sophisticated we may seem through etiquette. Love is the most important and should be the source of our femininity.
‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’
1 Corinthians 13:1-7
However, with that said and established as a foundation, stepping from childhood into mature femininity requires some guidance. Femininity offers a unique power of its own and is a life-long journey of self-growth. A woman is a girl who’s grown up, defined by her strength and experience, rather than someone defining themselves in opposition to men. I’ve written blog posts before about what I consider to be the keys to healthy femininity, but the question is: how is that expressed in the different stages of female experience?
The Feminine Journey
Girl, noun – ‘A female child. The counterpart of boy.’ or ‘A young or relatively young woman.’ First recoded circa 1300.
Oxford English Dictionary
Woman, noun – ‘An adult female human being. The counterpart of man.’ and ‘With specific reference to age: a female person who has reached adulthood… female person who is considered mature. Frequently contrasted with girl.’ Origins from early Old English
Oxford English Dictionary
Lady, noun – ‘Originally used as a polite form of address to a woman, especially (in early use) to one of elevated or higher social standing.’ or ‘A woman having the characteristics traditionally associated with high social standing; a refined or genteel woman.’ or ‘The female head of a household; a woman who has authority over servants.’ or ‘A woman who is the object of (especially chivalrous) love or devotion.’ Origins from early Old English.
Oxford English Dictionary
The Power of Femininity
Femininity is a woman’s power that comes from being true to herself while stepping into her life-giving qualities. A feminine woman is authentic and honest, unafraid of expressing her true self, and seeks to positively contribute to the world around her through life-giving qualities such as kindness, compassion, creativity, wisdom, and joyfulness. She seeks to improve herself to grow towards her potential, whilst having grace towards any mistakes she may have made in the past. Femininity means cultivating Christlike qualities and celebrating her existence as a woman. She aims to bring metaphorical life to the people and situations she encounters, not metaphorical death. She works to overcome death-bringing qualities such as unkindness, injustice, gossip, bullying, impatience, bitterness, and selfishness. Femininity manifests in different ways at different stages of life. It’s also expressed in diverse ways according to the individuality of each women. However, the core essence of femininity is the same: embracing the strength in your gentleness, finding authenticity through being unafraid of your vulnerabilities, and seeking to bring metaphorical life into the world.
Becoming a Good Woman
Stepping into adulthood and transitioning from a girl into a woman means learning our inner strength and accepting responsibility to take on whatever life throws at us. Being a woman means experiencing the highs and lows of life, the triumphs and failures, the love and the pain of living, and trusting we will get through somehow even when things don’t go as planned. Being a woman means having a self-assurance in knowing our self and our basic values, knowing what we will and will not compromise. It means being able to participate independently in our society, accepting adult responsibility, and caring for those we’ve been entrusted with in life.
Becoming a True Lady
Choosing to become a lady means further developing the social graces, education, consideration for others, leadership skills, knowledge of etiquette, self-awareness, and poise to become a considerate leader. Whereas a woman has embraced the power within herself to become autonomous and influence her family, a lady continually improves and refines herself and has further discovered how to influence her wider community or society. A feminine woman knows herself and positively influences her family. A feminine lady seeks to always grow herself and positively influence her wider society. Good women and ladies share the same feminine power, but true ladies have developed and expanded that feminine power to another level.
Summary
Girls are children and are led by their parents and teachers as they learn about the world around them. Women are adults and are able to lead themselves in that world. True ladies are committed to self-improvement and have learnt to lead not just themselves but also their communities towards becoming and creating a better world.
Rudyard Kipling’s poem ‘If—’ has been highly popular and achieved cultural-artefact status in Britain. It was written around 1895 and addressed to his son, advising him on how to become a man of character and integrity. Ever since its publication in 1910, ‘If—’ has inspired many parodies or imitations. Several of these have transformed the paternal advice into poems speaking to daughters about womanhood. Some of these adaptations have more helpful messages than others.
Below I have shared the original poem and three versions addressed to girls. The first is by J P McEvoy, an American writer, who published his ‘“If” for Girls’ in 1924. The second is Elizabeth Lincoln Otis’ poem ‘An “If” for Girls’ from 1931. Finally is Irish poet Alice Kinsella’s poem ‘When’, which she wrote for International Women’s Day in 2017, and which was then performed by a group of 16 different female poets. Whilst Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If—’ is addressed to his son, the advice can perhaps equally apply to girls. Each of these writers has a different interpretation of advice for daughters, and it is interesting to note the differences.
‘If—’ by Rudyard Kipling (1895)
In writing ‘If—’ Rudyard Kipling was inspired by Scottish colonial politician Leander James Starr, who was made the scapegoat of the failed Jameson Raid that brought about the Boer War a few years later from 1899-1902. The poem is an example of Victorian-era stoicism, self-discipline, and the British cultural virtue of a stiff upper lip. It celebrates heroism, dignity, stoicism, fortitude, self-discipline, resolution, integrity, inner strength, and courage in the face of disaster.
‘If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!’
‘If—’ by Rudyard Kipling (1895)
‘”If” for Girls’ by J P McEvoy (1924)
J P McEvoy’s ‘”If” for Girls’ seems to me to be the most similar in tone to Rudyard Kipling’s original poem, however the adaptation has messages of its own. ‘”If” for Girls’ has a more domestic and relational approach. It encourages hopefulness in all circumstances, humility, gentleness, moderation, appropriate boundaries, and a strong faith that empowers girls to assert themselves and stand up for what they believe to be right. Notably, it has a more overtly Christian perspective that points girls to seek God in all circumstances of life.
‘If you can hear the whispering about you, And never yield to deal in whispers, too; If you can bravely smile when loved ones doubt you, And never doubt, in turn, what loved ones do; If you can keep a sweet and gentle spirit In spite of fame or fortune, rank or place, And though you win your goal or only near it, Can win with poise and lose with equal grace;
If you can meet with Unbelief, believing, And hallow in your heart a simple Creed, If you can meet Deception, undeceiving, And learn to look to God for all you need; If you can be what girls should be to mothers: Chums in joy and comrades in distress, And be unto others as you’d have the others Be unto you – No more, and yet no less;
If you can keep within your heart the power To say that firm, unconquerable “No”; If you can brave a present shadowed hour, Rather than yield to build a future woe; If you can love, yet not let loving master, But keep yourself within your own self’s clasp, And not let dreaming lead you to disaster, Nor pity’s fascination loose your grasp;
If you can lock your heart on confidences, Nor ever needlessly in turn confide; If you can put behind you all pretenses Of mock humility or foolish pride: If you can keep the simple, homely virtue Of walking right with God – then have no fear That anything in all the world can hurt you- And – which is more – you’ll be a Woman, dear.’
‘”If” for Girls’ by J P McEvoy (1924)
‘An “If” for Girls’ by Elizabeth Lincoln Otis (1931)
Little is known about Elizabeth Lincoln Otis. Her poem ‘An “If” for Girls’ contains some good advice, yet it also comes across as rather patronising and sexist by today’s standards. The poem is focused on external accomplishments over inner character, promoting high requirements for some ideal of perfection. The skills it recommends are good things to learn and some of them were likely considered progressive in her own time. However, the poem’s focus remains limited to becoming a pleasing wife and good mother, prepared to accommodate the wishes of men. For example, the poem’s ideal woman should be able to dance but must not have ‘a craze for dancing’, because to have her own passionate hobbies or interests would be an inconvenience to the men in her life. Being a good wife, mother, and homemaker are admirable goals, but girls should be encouraged to explore their own interests rather than try to fit into some mould.
‘If you can dress to make yourself attractive, Yet not make puffs and curls your chief delight; If you can swim and row, be strong and active, But of the gentler graces lose not sight; If you can dance without a craze for dancing, Play without giving play too strong a hold, Enjoy the love of friends without romancing, Care for the weak, the friendless and the old;
If you can master French and Greek and Latin, And not acquire, as well, a priggish mien, If you can feel the touch of silk and satin Without despising calico and jean; If you can ply a saw and use a hammer, Can do a man’s work when the need occurs, Can sing when asked, without excuse or stammer, Can rise above unfriendly snubs and slurs; If you can make good bread as well as fudges, Can sew with skill and have an eye for dust, If you can be a friend and hold no grudges, A girl whom all will love because they must;
If sometime you should meet and love another And make a home with faith and peace enshrined, And you its soul—a loyal wife and mother— You’ll work out pretty nearly to my mind The plan that’s been developed through the ages, And win the best that life can have in store, You’ll be, my girl, the model for the sages— A woman whom the world will bow before.’
‘An “If” for Girls’ by Elizabeth Lincoln Otis (1931)
‘When’ by Alice Kinsella (2017)
Alice Kinsella’s poem ‘When’ immediately strikes a more confident, assured tone just from the title. It is no longer a case of ‘If’ but ‘When’. Her feminist poem feels the injustices of life and recognises that daughters will be hurt, yet promotes an inner strength and fire of a fighting spirit that will never give up on what is right regardless. In her poem, women know their vulnerability as well as their power, and are supportive as a sisterhood to every other woman. Becoming a worthy woman is a process that comes more from experiencing life as a woman and refusing to give up, rather than from the specific accomplishments of other poems. Being a woman is a lived experience rather than ‘some myth of virtue’. The world unfortunately will try to break women down, but they must learn to get up again and still laugh at the days to come.
‘When you can say the words that are not listened to But keep on saying them because you know they’re true; When you can trust each other when all men doubt you And from support of other women make old words new; When you can wait, and know you’ll keep on waiting That you’ll be lied to, but not sink to telling lies; When you know you may hate, but not be consumed by hating And know that beauty doesn’t contradict the wise;
When you can dream – and know you have no master; When you can think – let those thoughts drive your aim; When you receive desire and abuse from some Bastard And treat both manipulations just the same; When you hear every trembling word you’ve spoken Retold as lies, from a dishonest heart; When you have had your life, your body, broken But stop, breathe, and rebuild yourself right from the start;
When you can move on but not forget your beginnings And do what’s right no matter what the cost; Lose all you’ve worked for, forget the aim of winning And learn to find the victory in your loss; When you can see every woman struggle – to create a legacy, for after they are gone And work with them, when nothing else connects you Except the fight in you which says: ‘Hold on!’
When you can feel the weight of life within you But know that you alone are just enough; When you know not to judge on some myth of virtue To be discerning, but not too tough; When you know that you have to fight for every daughter Even though you are all equal to any son; When you know this, but still fill your days with laughter You’ll have the earth, because you are a woman!’
Femininity, noun – ‘Behaviour or qualities regarded as characteristic of a woman; feminine quality or characteristics; womanliness.’ The word was first recorded circa 1405 but its usage was rare before the late 18th century.
Oxford English Dictionary
Masculinity, noun – ‘The state or fact of being masculine; the assemblage of qualities regarded as characteristic of men; maleness, manliness.’ The word was first recorded in 1748.
Oxford English Dictionary
If femininity and masculinity are considered to be the characteristics of women and men respectively, then to explore each term further it makes sense to look at what those characteristics might be. Looking at gender differences in psychology and the brain can be problematic because it raises the issue of nature versus nurture and what constitutes positive or negative societal influences. Instead in this blog article I want to explore how femininity and masculinity are rooted in the biological designs of women and men.
Masculinity and femininity are not the same as being male or female – I consider them as different energies with associated traits. These energies perhaps don’t correlate with gender all the time, however as they mostly do that is what I’ll be looking at here. As a disclaimer, I want to add that femininity and masculinity are not limited by biology into any kind of gender roles or requirements. Rather, I think they are more flexible energies that can be transferred into any activity, regardless of whether it has been traditionally associated with that gender stereotype or not.
Women’s Biology & Femininity
Biologically, women are defined by their amazing ability to grow and give birth to new life. After birth, they continue to nourish and nurture their baby through breastfeeding. Different stages of womanhood involve: menarche (usually between the ages of 10-16, with the average age being about 12 years old, when they’re still children but transitioning into becoming women); menstrual cycles; pregnancy; childbirth; breastfeeding; and menopause (usually between the ages of 45-55, with the average age being about 51 years old).
Women are typically shorter and less muscular than men. This is partly because they need to be able to feed their baby as well as themselves, so need a more manageable food requirement to start with. Women have a curved figure because they save fat reserves around their hips and thighs to help in case of pregnancy. A wider pelvis is also needed for child bearing. Women tend to walk with smaller steps and more pelvic movement. A curvy figure also indicates health, fertility, and that they are of a suitable age for childbearing, no longer being children or having passed menopause when fat reserves tend to shift elsewhere.
Women tend to have higher pitched voices, about an octave higher than men’s. They have less facial and body hair, higher eyebrows, fuller lips, a softer jawline, and a longer life expectancy of about six to eight years even in countries where both genders have equal access to health. Women have two XX chromosomes, which it’s been suggested perhaps contributes to their better health as if one is faulty it can be backed up by the other. Oestrogen is the primary female hormone. Women only have one tenth of the amount of testosterone as men, however they are more sensitive to it.
Women are biologically designed with the ability to be nurturing mothers. They are physically more vulnerable, especially during and following pregnancy or whilst nursing and caring for infants. Women are incredibly strong to be able to go through childbirth. Active labour takes an average of eight hours for first time mothers or five hours for previous mothers, although it can last many hours longer. Besides the pain of pushing out a whole new human, many mothers say it is more the intensity of repetitive, ongoing contractions that is unbearable rather than the individual contractions themselves. No one can say that women aren’t strong, yet they remain vulnerable to outside threats. If femininity is rooted in the characteristics of being a woman, it clearly has a different kind of inner strength to masculinity. I see the essence of healthy femininity as being strong in her gentleness.
Men’s Biology & Masculinity
Biologically, men are typically taller and more muscular than women, with broader shoulders and an expanded rib cage. They have a straighter body shape without as defined a waist or hips, because they tend to instead deposit fat around their waist and abdomen. Men have a metabolism that generally burns calories faster, using that energy for immediate activity rather than saving it as fat reserves for times when food may not be as available. Besides fertilising for the conception of a child, men usually have a greater physical strength that helped them protect and provide for families at times when women were pregnant or otherwise more vulnerable.
Men tend to have deeper pitched voices, about an octave lower than women’s. They also have larger Adam’s apples for this reason, because their deeper voices require a larger voice box. Men have more body and facial hair, more angular jawlines, stronger brows, a lower life expectancy of about six to eight years, and tend to walk with larger steps and less pelvic movement than women. They have XY chromosomes and testosterone is the primary male hormone. Men have ten times more testosterone than women, which means they are generally more aggressive and competitive.
It is undeniable that men are physically stronger than women on average. They are biologically designed to be protective husbands and fathers, who are gentle enough to care for their family yet strong enough to keep their family safe when necessary. If masculinity is rooted in the characteristics of being a man, it would appear to have a different though complementary emphasis to femininity. I see the essence of healthy masculinity as being gentle in his strength.
Partnership of Femininity & Masculinity
Both men and women, femininity and masculinity, are more similar than they are different, even though they each have their own emphasis. Both are intended to work in an equal partnership together as a family and a community supporting each other, helping each other to thrive. A man’s masculinity is gentleness in his strength. A woman’s femininity is strength in her gentleness. More important than these differences is that both are called to be good, kind, balanced people who contribute positively to this wonderful yet broken world that we’ve been trusted to look after.
I thought I’d share with you some of my favourite feminine YouTube channels. Some of them directly talk about femininity, etiquette, or growing towards becoming a better person. Others simply demonstrate values or characteristics that I personally associate with different aspects of femininity.
There are a lot of YouTube channels out there that discuss femininity. Many of these do have good advice, including channels that haven’t made this list. However, femininity has become a popular theme online over the past year and some YouTubers seem to have simply jumped on the trend. Some channels are more focused on superficial elements associated with femininity, such as external appearance or romantic relationships. Those topics can be fun, but in my opinion true femininity comes from the inside. It’s important we are discerning about which messages we choose to accept. We should choose to surround ourselves with the values and traits we wish to embody.
In no particular order, here are my top 30 favourite YouTube channels about femininity, etiquette, beauty, style, cooking, nature, art, culture, community, relationships, faith, Christianity, and inspiration for generally becoming a better version of myself. I hope you enjoy them too.
1 Mrs Midwest
Caitlin, otherwise known as Mrs Midwest, is a homemaker and a young wife living in the mid-west of America. She makes videos discussing femininity, homemaking, beauty, relationships, traditional lifestyle, her faith, and baking.
2 Karine Alourde
Karine discusses and analyses what makes certain women feminine, how they could improve their femininity, and what we can learn from them. These range from fictional characters to real people and a brilliant series about femininity around the world in different cultures.
Felicia is a former actress and beauty pageant queen who has expanded her love of all things feminine to talk about it as a YouTuber and blogger. Her videos discuss femininity, elegance, beauty, style, relationships, self-improvement, advice, and women’s issues.
Cynthia is a millennial housewife and a former Miss Earth Canada beauty pageant model. She draws on this experience in many of her videos to talk about femininity, etiquette, beauty, body language, personality refinement, and homemaking.
5 That Feminine Housewife
Ina is a housewife from Norway who likes to take a more scientific approach in some of her beauty tips, examining exactly what it is that makes a woman appear more feminine. She makes videos about style, beauty, make-up, homemaking, and her interpretation of femininity.
Anna is a certified image consultant and has attended a Swiss finishing school to gain a diploma in international etiquette and protocol. She uses that knowledge to teach about modern elegance, style, etiquette, personal transformation, and high society lifestyles.
7 Lisa Hart
Lisa is a fashion designer and blogger from France who loves old Hollywood glamour and belly dance, which she draws upon in a number of her videos. In her videos she discusses style, beauty, femininity, elegance, deportment, glamour, and grace.
8 Jonna Jinton
Jonna is an artist, musician, singer, photographer, filmmaker, and jewellery designer who lives close to nature in a small remote village in the north of Sweden. Her videos and vlogs are always works of art sharing the beauty of nature, her latest creative projects, and genuine emotions from her life.
9 Liziqi
Li Ziqi is a highly talented and very hardworking young Chinese woman who lives with her grandmother amongst the mountains of rural China. Her fairytale aesthetic videos demonstrate traditional Chinese cookery, gardening, farming, and various other traditional Chinese crafts.
10 Girl in Calico
Kaetlyn is a young American woman who enjoys cultivating a slower and more meaningful way of life through traditional living and her Christian faith. She creates beautifully aesthetic videos recording her gardening, baking, cooking, preserving, and homemaking through the seasons of the year.
11 Traditional Me
Nadee has been described as the Li Ziqi of Sri Lanka. Her high-quality videos show her gathering then cooking plants from the surrounding garden and farm into traditional Sri Lankan meals, whilst interacting with her grandmother and her teasing younger brother.
12 RayaWasHere
Raya was originally a travel vlogger but more recently she’s been shifting her content towards sustainability, personal growth, conscious living, doing social good, and nurturing the community around her. She encourages inspiration, passion, adventure, kindness, travel, culture, and self love.
13 AlexandrasGirlyTalk
Alexandra’s videos are always very well put together and appear professional in their quality. She gives advice on beauty, fashion, style, make-up, hair, and occasionally other topics she thinks girls should know about such as femininity or dating.
14 The Rachel Review
Rachel offers advice in her videos on various topics related to style, beauty, and lifestyle. These she gives based on her own approach of sophistication, femininity, elegance, and class, whilst also embracing a spirit of adventure.
15 Audrey Coyne
Audrey is a fashion enthusiast and a minimalist who aims to help people discover their unique personal style. In her videos she talks about style advice, fashion, wardrobe planning, and other related topics, as well as tips on having an attractive voice from her training as an opera singer.
16 Emily Wilson
Emily is a Roman Catholic wife and mother from California. She believes that girls and young women need to hear the truth in love, so she answers viewers’ questions, provides pep talks, and gives encouraging practical advice to help with faith, relationships, confidence, and friendships.
17 Tiffany Dawn
Tiffany is a Christian author, speaker, and YouTuber who loves to share the life advice that women don’t hear in church. In her videos she discusses boys, singleness, healthy romantic relationships, beauty, body image, eating disorders, God, faith, Bible study, and general life tips.
18 Dating Beyond Borders
Marina organises actors and actresses to demonstrate traits of different countries through cross-cultural relationships from all around the world. These videos give entertaining short stories and use romantic relationships to share a bit about the different cultures.
19 The Daily Connoisseur
Jennifer is a New York Times bestselling author of Lessons From Madame Chic and other books, as well as being a wife and a mother of four. In her videos she talks about capsule wardrobes, thoughts on style, homemaking, classy living, elegance, parenting, and etiquette.
20 The Modern Lady
Devereaux is an author and YouTuber who teaches ladies how to live with class, confidence, charisma, and elegance. She discusses social graces, classic style, and sophisticated living, as well as having a series where she interviews a variety of classy ladies.
21 IntoAMilli Lady
Karina is an entrepreneur running an online business and she also makes videos discussing women, money, and power. On her channel she talks about internal growth, elegance, beauty, wealth, business, etiquette, romantic relationships, and what she considers the ills of society.
22 Linda Sandrine
Linda now lives in America but was originally from Cameroon, meaning she has a lovely Cameroonian accent. In her videos she talks about elegance, femininity, being ladylike, beauty, health, fashion, dating, and relationships.
Isabel lives close to nature on a farm in the mountains of America. She shares stories from her life of learning how to farm for herself, building her own tiny house, creating vegan meals, doing yoga in the mountains, swimming in the rivers, laughing with family, and exploring a simpler lifestyle.
24 Daughter of Old
Annie is a freelance artist, a videographer, and an aspiring herbalist. She shares the everyday rhythms of her life as she works in tune with the seasons and alongside nature to find the beautiful magic in traditional crafts such as cooking, baking, and herbalism.
25 The Elliott Homestead
Shaye and her husband Stuart run a small farm in Washington State of America, where they grow their own food and home-school their four children. In their videos they share the love, purpose, and beauty they find in their life of gardening, farming, cooking, preserving, and homemaking.
26 The Darling Academy with Alena Kate Pettitt
Alena is a British author and housewife from the Cotswolds of England. She creates videos about simple, wholesome, vintage-inspired homemaking as well as etiquette, femininity, marriage, and the misunderstandings she’s been subject to as a woman desiring a traditional lifestyle.
27 The Chateau Diaries
Stephanie is the chatelaine of the 16th-century French Chateau de LaLande, which she is restoring to its former glory with family, friends, and volunteers from all over the world. Her videos share life filled with laughter, decorating, renovation, cooking, gardening, and many wonderful characters.
28 This Esme
Esme is a young equestrian who shares the adventures and fun she has learning more about horses. Her videos include vlogs with her ponies, her riding lessons, interviews with top riders, visits to equestrian events, horse care routines, equestrian travel, and exploring the equestrian community.
29 FarAwayDistance
Becca is an evangelical Christian and a school teacher from Illinois in America. She makes videos to talk about her faith as a Christian, to teach the Bible with an emphasis on being both truthful and loving, and to challenge people to grow deeper in faith and love.
30 BibleProject
Tim and Jon from BibleProject can’t be classified as a feminine YouTube channel, but they’ve helped me learn more about God and the Bible so this list would be incomplete without it. They create artistically stunning short animated videos about how to read the Bible and exploring profound themes that run throughout the Bible. Their videos are really good and I would highly recommend them, whether you consider yourself Christian or not.
If I’m honest, really this blog post is just an excuse to share some beautiful folk songs that I enjoy from different countries. However, I do think there’s something about artistic mediums such as song that makes them good at communicating energies and emotions. Below I’ve shared ten videos of folk songs. Each of them is from a different country and they all have female singers. Can you identify any common themes in femininity and womanhood across different cultures? I acknowledge that these examples are all from northern or western Europe – that is simply because it’s difficult to find songs from other countries when I don’t understand the language! If you know of any beautiful folk songs from other parts of the world, I would love to hear, so please do share them in the comments section below.
Femininity does not have to be associated with traditional cultures or the past. Those are just the songs I’ve collected here. Femininity is expressed in a diversity of ways. It is individual to every woman and does not intend to make us identical in anyway! Rather, it shares some common themes that are rooted in our shared womanhood which allow us to flourish into the women we were each created to become.
I personally love fairytales and history so look more to the past for inspiration than some of you, my sisters, may do. Although the chances are, if you’re reading this, you are probably interested in history too! I think sometimes femininity was valued more in traditional cultures than it tends to be in society today. The baby was thrown out with the bathwater, to borrow a saying. That doesn’t have to be the case, however. We can choose to learn about and reclaim our femininity. I hope you enjoy these songs.
When I search the free photo library for images to include in my blog articles, I always come across so many beautiful photographs. I never get the chance to use most of these. I thought I would share some here instead, to act as style inspiration. Absorbing beauty can help us recognise what makes something beautiful and to then replicate that in bringing together our own outfits. The following photographs are also a celebration of women and femininity. Depending on your internet, you may have to be patient while they load as I’ve shared a lot of images. I hope you enjoy!
Which photographs do you most feel drawn to? Do you recognise any themes in femininity? Have a beautiful and inspired day, my sisters around the world!
In a continuation to Part One, here are some more thoughts about friendship and community that I’ve gathered from various podcasts. After our relationship with God, our relationships with the people around us are one of the most important things in this world. I think they’re worth learning about, pondering on, and trying to improve at. Do you have any thoughts to share on this topic?
Friendventory – Gettin’ Grown
‘The four types of people you should have in your life: number one is the confidant. So everyone should have a friend that they can tell their business and confide in, and not have any fear or worry that they will hear this information again. And the confidant is also a listener. He or she may not need to respond or give advice, but it’s just a person for you to just let it all out to, and someone who can just kind of acknowledge your feelings and where you are, and listen to you and kinda just hold your secrets and, you know, keep that, keep them in confidence.
The next person is the comforter. So that person will be someone who can, you know, help you process your feelings and encourage you, and exhort you, and, you know, push you, you know, help you to deal with and cope with the feelings that you’re having, whatever those may be. So that person is really just like in your corner to just kinda help you, you know, keep going and deal with, you know, the struggles and challenges whatever those might be.
The next person is the confronter. This is the person who is willing to call you out on your stuff. This is not your yes-man, this is someone who’s going to be like “hey sis, that’s some bull’s point.” And we all need that person who is going to always tell us the truth – not in a judgemental way, but just someone who’s gonna be honest and let us know, you know, give us perspective outside of, give us that… objective perspective outside of what we see through the lens of our own experience.
And finally is the clarifier. That’s the person that’s going to help you process and help you think through things. So “hey sis, I’ve got an idea.” That’s the person that’s gonna get out our legal bit and “let’s talk logistics.” “Let’s think this through. Let’s think through the next, the logical steps of gettin’ this done.” Or if you have a problem, “let’s think through what we need to do in order to solve this.”‘
Tykeia Robinson
Female Friendships – Wonder Women
‘When women are together, we release a hormone called oxytocin, and it basically is a stress reliever. And when men are together, they release more testosterone. Also is you think about it, when men are together they usually do something… [Whereas generally women] we’re not going to do anything else, we’re literally going to sit on a sofa, maybe have a coffee or a coke zero or a gin and tonic, and all we’re going to do is talk, and then we release this oxytocin. Whereas men usually, if someone comes round their house, it’s play station or you go do something together…
This is why I think it’s very important to have a strong group of beautiful, amazing, clever, smart women around you. Because…. you can’t expect one person to give you everything. And this is what is so interesting. In 2002 UCLA study it was shown that women tend to befriend and connect with people in times of stress, whereas men would go into fight or flight mode. And the intensity is that, where it comes from, the business of raising babies back in the days, it was so intense and so complex and time-consuming that you needed, the more people there were to help you, the easier it was. So you had these big groups of women that were raising babies together, you know back when we all lived in the village, and it was just such a natural thing for us is to connect.’
Carrie Hope Fletcher and Celinde Schoenmaker
#4 Female Friendships ft. Gracefituk – Adulting
‘At school you’re kind of thrust into relationships with people and you have to maintain them. And it’s really interesting because outside, when you lose that kind of momentum of people being put, like, right in front of your vision and you have to make friends with them, you then realise that actually it’s up to you to go out and make friends. On the other side of that, it’s that you might be put into a group that actually, really aren’t people you’re necessarily aligned with in your beliefs, but they become your kind of life-long friends.’
Oenone Forbat
‘I feel like in general it is such a different environment [after leaving school] because [at school] you do literally get put in this, like, little melting pot and get told that one, you kind of don’t really need to give anything to a friendship to maintain it because you’ll see them everyday. But also you do need to, like, if there is, like, a falling out or something you need to sort it out as soon as possible. You’re probably not gonna not be friends again. And like, there are lots of issues I find from not being in that situation, though obviously there were many issues from being in that situation too, especially if you, say, weren’t someone who thrived off school type relationships or if you went to a very cliquey school, especially anywhere I guess with girls will be quite cliquey, just in the nature of friendship groups.’
Grace Beverley
‘I guess also with school, so much of your school life is surrounded around friendship groups and peer groups and things. And maybe also, if you’re someone who hasn’t learned how to make friends at school, when you leave it can then be very difficult to understand.’
Oenone Forbat
‘The other thing I think the problem with close friendships like you’re talking about, the best friend thing, it’s so romanticised in movies, especially, like, American movies with all these sleepover clubs and things. And when you’re younger, I don’t know if the pressure’s so much on guys, but when you’re younger as a girl, there is this, like, horrible, overarching feeling that you’ve really, like, failed at life if you don’t have this absolute best friend or group that is so stable.’
Oenone Forbat
‘I think everything in life, it all starts with you, and sometimes that process of working out who you are can be a little bit painful. It’s always worth it.’
Feminine Finishing School 