How To Develop Valuable Friendships

We all long for friends, and not just for friends but for deep meaningful connections that make us feel seen. It’s part of being human and something that we all desperately need. Chances are, if you’re reading this blog article you want to improve your social life and find those valuable friendships. It’s perfectly within your reach, but don’t be deluded by the Instagram ‘friendship goals’ aesthetics. Nobody just becomes instant BFFs – it takes time and commitment to develop a friendship. But what are the stages in that process? I find structured frameworks helpful, so I thought I would share the friendship stages that I’ve identified. Being able to assess a relationship can help you to know how to grow it to the next level. As a general guide, women and girls tend to bond primarily by talking together, whereas men and boys tend to bond primarily by doing things together. Friendships need an approximate ratio of five positive experiences for every more demanding experience, so make sure you’re giving as well as taking.

1 Stranger

Strangers form most of the population. They are all the people you don’t know and many of us run across them on a daily basis. You may know the names of some strangers, for example celebrities or politicians, but there is no reciprocal relationship. Most strangers will stay strangers – there’s 7.7 billion people in the world after all! – but some of them are potential friends just waiting to be met.

2 Acquaintance

Acquaintances make up most of the people we interact with. They are those that we recognise and know by name but don’t know well enough to have any emotional relationship with. The anthropologist Robin Dunbar has proposed what is known as ‘Dunbar’s number’ – that the human brain can comfortably maintain about 150 stable relationships at any one time. The actual number can range between 100 and 250, with 150 being an average for most people. Historically this was the number of people that was typically found in a village or community. The idea is that there is a limitation to the number of people that humans can maintain social contact with.

3 Friendly Acquaintance

Friendly acquaintances aren’t quite friends but are more than neutral acquaintances. These are the people you would say hello to and perhaps have small talk with if you met them. If all of your friendships at higher levels are fully developed, Dunbar’s number suggests that about 80 people out of the 150 would remain at this level. As a general guide, you usually need meet up with someone six to eight times before you begin to feel like friends – which is what a friendly acquaintance is. You feel friendly towards each other but aren’t fully friends yet.

4 Casual Friend

Casual friends are those you enjoy hanging out with and perhaps are in a shared group with. You enjoy each other’s company and have fun together, but you don’t tend to share your deepest vulnerabilities and probably wouldn’t go to them in a time of need. Casual friendships are usually based on common interests or shared circumstances. If the 150 people of Dunbar’s Number are your ‘tribe’, then the up to 50 people who form your casual friends are the equivalent of your ‘clan’. It takes around 50 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

5 Good Friend

Good friends are people you know well. You can have fun together but have also developed a significant amount of trust. This is your second closest circle of friends and is made up of not more than 15 people. Good friends usually take up about a quarter of your total social time, which is about 1.7% of your social time per person. On average it can be expected to take 100 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

6 Close Friend

Close friends form your inner circle and are your go-to friends for most difficult situations. These are people whom you really love, trust, and know very well. Most people can only maintain up to five close friends, or four if they’re in a romantic relationship. This inner circle of close friends takes up about half of your total social time, meaning you spend 10% of your social time with each, or 20% for a romantic partner. Because these people are so close and you spend a lot of time with them, they are highly influential and will shape who you become. It’s not for nothing that there’s a saying that you’re the sum of the five people closest to you. Be friendly to everyone, but don’t let just anyone into this inner circle. As a guide, it takes approximately 200 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

7 Best Friend

Best friends are included within the four or five people of your inner circle, but are the one or perhaps two of them that you feel closest to of all. For example, if you were to get married, your close friends would be those who you’d probably choose as bridesmaids whereas your best friend would be the one you’d single out to be your maid of honour. If you’re in a healthy, committed, long-term romantic relationship then your partner would most likely be equivalent to the best friend level as well.

8 Old Friend

Old friends are almost in a category of their own, which can make them difficult to place. We all change and our friendships change throughout life. Some people we stay close with or in contact to, whilst other people fade out of our lives or drift into its fringes. Old friends perhaps used to be a close friend or even best friend but are no longer. They may now be more on the friendly acquaintance level or not even in your life at all, but they still hold the remnant and memory of what used to be. Perhaps you feel nostalgic about their friendship sometimes, or maybe sad. Either way they hold the sense of something past rather than something with unknown promise, which separates them from other people at the same friendship level as them. Old friends once knew you well and may know things about you that no one else does, but they no longer have that closeness or intimacy that they once did. Sometimes old friendships can be revived; other times you just have to learn to let them go and seek new friends elsewhere.

Hard Lessons About Friendship

Friendship is difficult. There, I’ve said it. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable to complain about the difficulties with romantic relationships and boyfriends – but not about friendships. We’re expected to have friends. To admit otherwise feels like it would be publicly branding ourselves as a loser and a ‘Larry loner’, as people used to say at school. And if we admit to having no friends, we feel like we come across as desperate and no one else would want to be our friend.

This is perhaps especially true for girls and women because growing up we get taught to romanticise the idea of being Best Friends Forever. We were supposed to gossip and share secrets at sleepovers, to declare our affection by exchanging friendship bracelets. Sometimes that works, but other times it doesn’t. And often when we do find that, it doesn’t last.

My intention in writing this is to encourage those out there who feel alone. You’re not alone. Life is hard, and all human relationships can be difficult. Society today is increasingly connected and yet disconnected. It’s now considered normal to be sitting with a group of ‘friends’ whilst they’re all staring at their phones instead of talking to the person right beside them. Even when you put in the effort to meet lots of new people and become part of a community, you can still be amongst them and feel completely invisible. What I want to say is, yes it is hard. It’s ok if it hurts sometimes. You’re ok, and you will find your tribe eventually. Hold on to faith and keep trying. Those good friends will come.

1 It Takes Time

It takes time to develop good friendships and it’s a process you’ll have to see through. Unfortunately, instant friends don’t exist and you’ll have to spend plenty of time with people before a lasting relationship will develop.

2 It Doesn’t Just Happen

Friendships take work and effort. They don’t happen automatically and just spending time with someone doesn’t guarantee friendship. It’s even possible to live with people for a significant amount of time without becoming more than acquaintances. You have to be proactive.

3 Friendships Grow From Fun

When you feel lonely, it’s natural to want to feel seen and understood. You’re like a book that wants to be read, but not everyone deserves to read you. Someone doesn’t need to know every detail about you in order to become friends. Just have fun together and vulnerability can follow later.

4 Avoid Oversharing

Be aware that oversharing will only create a false sense of closeness too early that will likely leave you disappointed. It’s important to share what you’re going through with people, but make sure that the depth of vulnerability matches the depth of the relationship.

5 Best Friends Forever?

As children we romanticised the idea of having BFFs. Friendships can and do last through different stages of life, but life is more complicated and challenging than we understood at that age. Sometimes it lets us down and sometimes people drift apart. In reality, best friends rarely last forever. Most (though not all) friends are only for a season and that’s ok.

6 Make Memories

Even if the majority of the people we encounter are only temporary, that doesn’t decrease the value of friendships and human interactions. Create and treasure memories that will carry you through different seasons of life. They are precious in their transience.

7 Learn From Everyone

You can learn something from everyone, no matter how similar or different they are to you. Some people may just be a cameo in your life but they can change the course of the rest of your life. Stay open minded. Equally, you may just be passing through someone else’s life, so make sure you leave a positive impact. You’ll never know where that could lead.

8 Sisters Before Misters?

For all the pithy sayings such as ‘sisters before misters’ and ‘mates before dates’, they don’t always carry out in real life. When someone gets in a romantic relationship it’s normal for them to disappear into the ‘boyfriend vortex’ for a honeymoon period, but they should then find balance and have time again. If someone lets a boyfriend change a friendship, even after you tell them how you feel, then there’s nothing you can do. You can still be friends but might have to find other friends as well.

9 Rejection Is Real

The harsh truth is that not everyone is looking for more friends. Sometimes they won’t care, or might be happy just as acquaintances. Allow yourself to feel disappointment at rejection but don’t take it too personally. Look for the people who are also in want of new friends.

10 Expectations Hurt

When searching for friendship, your expectations will hurt you more than other people’s actions. Have your hopes but remember that is what they are – hopes. Not everyone has the same goals or perspectives, so do good without expecting anything in return.

11 Not All Friends Are Equal

There are different types and levels of friendships, as well as different types of loneliness. All stages of friendship are worthy of being treasured, yet don’t give up in pursuit of the type of friends you need.

12 Seasons of Loneliness

Accept there may be seasons of loneliness in your life. I find it helpful to think of life as a series of seasons. Life is an organic, forever-changing process that will lead you where you are meant to be eventually, if only you hold onto faith and keep trying. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is to ‘keep showing up’. No season lasts forever and you will find your tribe.

I know that not everyone who reads this will be Christian and I don’t mean to force my faith on anyone, but I truly believe that God loves YOU, regardless of who you are or what you’ve done, and regardless of whether you even believe in Him or not. You are God’s beloved child and He knows you completely, in all your strengths and weaknesses and humanity. He is more gentle and more kind than we can even comprehend, and wants to have a relationship with you – if only you will invite Him into your life.

I just want to offer the encouragement that God has worked through some of the most challenging, lonely seasons of my life to lead me where I believe He wants me to be. I’m not completely out the other side yet, but I’m so grateful for what He’s done so far. And I trust that my close-knit ‘tribe’ will come in time.

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10 Lessons From My First Society Dinners

Some time ago, a group I belonged to was invited to attend some of the dinner meetings of a larger society, which was formed of local business leaders. It was a social and charitable affair rather than being a business occasion, but it was still relatively formal. The only semi-formal event I’d ever been to before was my school prom, so I didn’t know what to expect for a society dinner. Like most things in life, it turned out I needn’t have worried so much. However, there were a few details that it would have been useful to know beforehand. Here are the lessons I learnt, so that you can be better prepared for society than I was.

1 Dress Codes

Always clarify the dress code with another woman if you’re unsure what to wear. Ideally you should ask the hostess, but if that’s not possible make sure to ask another woman whom you know is going. I learnt this the hard way. Although of course not always the case, in general it can be a bad idea to trust a man to communicate the dress code. It’s easy for them as they can simply add or take away a tie and jacket, but us ladies need to plan our entire outfit. Before my first society dinner I got the mistaken impression that it was a black tie event, when it turned out to be more of a ‘lounge suit’ affair. Being conscious that you’re either over- or under-dressed will distract you from confidently participating in the activities, so it’s best to check. The next time I went to a society dinner I made sure to tell the girls who were going for the first time what to expect!

2 Formality

Society dinners may seem somewhat intimidating at first for those of us who aren’t used to them, but they aren’t a big deal for everyone. People who have grown up with their family participating in such events find them completely normal. There is a scale of formality above what most of us experience in our everyday lives, and on that scale these ‘formal’ events may actually be considered relatively informal. It’s better to show respect by overestimating rather than underestimating the formality of an event, but in many cases you can be a lot more relaxed than you think. After all, you are there to socialise not to be judged.

3 Seating Arrangements

At dinners it’s traditional to be seated man, woman, man, woman. The idea is that this encourages more diverse and interesting conversation, whilst also giving an orderly symmetrical arrangement. At some dinners you may be designated a seat, but at others you’ll be free to choose. We were given place cards at one dinner I went to, which we could place wherever we liked. I put my name at the chair next to the girl I had travelled there with, however, when it was time to be seated I discovered that it had been moved so that I was instead sat between two men. It took me by surprise and had I known that custom beforehand it would have saved me confusion.

4 Conversation

Because of that change in seating arrangements I ended up being sat next to an old military man with whom, on a surface level at least, I had nothing in common. Society dinners are fundamentally social events, so you should go ready to make conversation with anyone. Those could be people of very different stages of life, backgrounds, and interests. Don’t make prior expectations of who you’ll be talking to; it helps to be prepared for anything. The height of politeness is to be equally able to be polite with anyone, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re not comfortably there yet. It’s a learning experience.

5 Asking Occupation

It goes without saying that you should never discuss finance, politics, or serious religion in situations that call for small talk. What I hadn’t considered beforehand was the more subtle question of asking about someone’s career. Since someone’s career forms a large part of the way they interact with the world, it’s natural to want to find out when you’re searching for a common topic of conversation. The difficulty is that it can come across (however unintentionally) like you’re looking to place them or fishing for information to figure out whether they might be useful to you. I would suggest being cautious of directly asking people what they do, or at least to be mindful of how you phrase the question unless they bring it up first.

6 Follow the Lead

If you are new to society dinners and uncertain how to maintain small talk with strangers, you don’t need to worry about it too much. That’s not your responsibility. It takes two people to make a conversation and if you’re new it’s ok to let the other person do that work. Don’t be afraid to leave moments of silence. If it’s just a social occasion, there’s no pressure and you don’t need to ‘prove’ yourself. Just let other people lead the conversation and make sure you’re ready to follow where it goes.

7 Strange Traditions

If you are going to a society dinner, be prepared for strange customs and traditions. This is especially true if the company is mostly formed of an older generation, as the dinners I went to were. Before the first course was served, everyone had to stand up while the society’s president said grace and thanked God for dinner. This wasn’t a shock for me as I ‘d grown up in a Christian family, but it was amusing to see other people’s reactions when the group I came with were talking about it later. They found it a very quaint, unexpected oddity! Later on, I was the one taken by surprise. We all had to stand up again whilst a ‘loyal toast’ was given to The Queen, and I didn’t realise what was happening in time to raise my glass with everyone else. So be prepared for unfamiliar traditions!

8 Coffee

At many dinners it’s customary for coffee to be served after the meal. This wasn’t a big deal but was something I hadn’t known beforehand. I think that being aware of small things such as the usual order of events and courses can help you feel much more at ease. If you can predict what will happen next it helps you feel more like you know what you’re doing, rather than being constantly surprised by small details that remind you it’s an unfamiliar experience.

9 Transport Plans

Before you go to any event, make sure you know how you’re getting home again afterwards, especially if it’s an evening event. For example, if you’re travelling by public transport you don’t want to be worrying about where exactly the bus stop is – that’s not a fun way to end your evening. Suss out your plan in appropriate detail beforehand, and don’t be afraid to ask an acquaintance to point you in the right direction if necessary.

10 Experience

My final point is to make the most of the experience and remember that it’s good to try new things. The only way to extend your comfort zone and grow as a person is to step slightly outside of that comfort zone. Preparation beforehand will help you feel more at ease and if you go once then the next time will be much less intimidating. This doesn’t just apply to formal events such as society dinners, but to all new experiences in life. We are lucky to have these opportunities and they offer us the chance for personal growth, through which we can develop different aspects of our personalities and life experience.