Keys to Healthy Femininity

In my last blog article, we established that there is far more to femininity that just pink and sparkles. (Fun though those may be!) True femininity is a challenge that we can grow into over time. It’s also a joy that we can delight in. If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you want to become more feminine. Welcome! The first step is to define what femininity means for you. All women express it through the lens of their own personality, so it may look slightly different for you than for another women. I think there are a few foundation qualities however that are shared in healthy femininity.

Since I’m Christian, I personally look to the Bible to learn God’s intention for women. By cultivating healthy femininity and continually seeking to become a better person, I can bring glory to God. At least, that’s the aim – I’m still on this journey alongside you! I believe the most important part of femininity is internal. It should change our hearts, not just our external appearances. I’ve been contemplating femininity whilst reading the Bible and listening to other people’s ideas for some time now. Although I personally consider femininity through the lens of my Christian values, I would love to hear what your perspective is. Here below are three key aspects of healthy femininity!

Nurture Others

‘And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’
Genesis 2:18

God called woman to be ‘an help meet’. As I’ve previously described when writing about Eve, the original Hebrew term for help meet has no connotations at all of being merely a subservient assistant. The phrase rather refers to a strong rescuer who provides vital help, and who is the perfect match to harmoniously partner with the man. God designed all women to be help meets as an innate part of our character. This means we are made strong with great power to help others – not just our husband but all people. God made all things good (before sin messed it up) yet even then He declared that women could make things better! One way we can live into our femininity is by taking on that role of being a strong helper and striving to make things better for our family, friends, community, and all people we encounter. We have the powerful gift of being able to nurture and encourage people to become who God designed them to be. We can also nurture our homes, our environments, and ourselves to bring about flourishing and goodness.

Create Life

‘And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.’
Genesis 3:20

Another significant title given to woman right at the beginning of the Bible is ‘the mother of all living’. This quality was recognised in Eve by her husband Adam after a revelation from God to them both. At surface level this refers to women’s significance in giving birth to all the people alive. However, the interesting point is that this title was conferred before Eve had even had any children. Being the mother of all living is, then, as much a metaphorical and spiritual role as it is a biological one. God is the ultimate source of life and the creator of all. To express our femininity we are called to contribute to God’s good world by continuing His creative project. We are to create whatever is positive and life-giving. This might mean creating children, families, homes, communities, and relationships. It also means creating things of beauty, works of art, or utilising whatever gifts we have. Besides the final created object, the act of creativity itself with the love and joy that goes into it adds to the glory of God.

Choose Wisely

‘And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.’
Genesis 3:6

Nurturing and creativity are all very good, but we need to be grounded in something deeper. In the story of Genesis, Eve was deceived because she ‘desired to make one wise’. She had this innate desire for wisdom even before sin entered the world. Wisdom is good and we are told elsewhere in the Bible that only fools despise wisdom (Proverbs 1:7). The problem was that Eve wasn’t very wise about how she gained knowledge. Instead of trusting God and learning wisdom from Him, she made the fatal decision to be deceived into disobeying the one thing God had asked of her. All of us are going to come up against difficult situations in our lives. As women, we are sometimes perceived as more vulnerable and are therefore at greater risk from the bad people in this world. It is essential therefore in developing mature femininity that we learn how to make good judgements. We need to know when to listen to our intuition, but also be aware that our feelings can deceive us. Wisdom is important for living our lives well, as well as for living in relationships and community well. Let us learn from the Lord.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13WHNjFe2eY

The Undervaluing of Femininity

‘Why do women want to dress like men when they’re fortunate enough to be women? Why lose femininity, which is one of our greatest charms?’
Tasha Tudor

When I was at school there were several girls who declared that they hated the colour pink. Even at the time, that slightly disturbed me. Not because of any preference of colour itself, but because of the underlying reason. Those girls didn’t hate pink for being pink. They had decided to hate it for what it represented: femininity. And in particular, the negative connotations they had been taught were associated with femininity. Personally I love pink, but it has no innate relation with femininity. Pink and blue have only been marketed as gendered colours since the early twentieth century. Even then, it wasn’t until the 1950s that it was commonly agreed which colour was associated with which gender. The problem has nothing to do with colour, rather it’s about a stark misunderstanding of femininity. Why is femininity so undervalued that even young girls have been taught to hate it?

Mature Femininity

Femininity has been reduced down to little more than frilly pink princess dresses and make-up. It’s true meaning has become so confused that it’s seen as infantile, weak, and therefore inferior. There’s nothing wrong with little girls enjoying girly things, but mature femininity is so much more than that. It’s something for women step into, something that holds immense value, and that deserves to be prized. There is nothing weak or infantile about a woman’s ability to be a mother; likewise, there is nothing weak or infantile about true femininity. Mature femininity is found in the harmonious balance of strong gentleness, with each quality modifying and elevating the other. I think part of the problem is that our society seems to have either forgotten or ignored this.

Strong Gentleness

All too often, understandings of femininity are reduced down to a kind of helpless, passive, damsel-in-distress gentleness. To use the example of motherhood again: gentleness is essential for nurturing the next generation, but mothers also need to be incredibly strong. Mature femininity is displayed in a woman’s ability to protect, set safe boundaries, stand up for and stand up to her children. A feminine lady knows her God-given worth and doesn’t need to prove herself. Because of this, she is able to gratefully accept help when she needs it – because we all need help sometimes – but she is wise enough not to fall into a victim mentality of waiting for a prince to save her.

Femininity & Feminism

The Feminist Movement has done many great things in addressing the historical undervaluing of women. We owe where we are today and the opportunities available to the women who came before us. However, like any movement, it’s not without its flaws. Much of the time Feminism has raised women’s value by encouraging them to become more masculine. It’s great that we now have more agency in our own lives. We have the freedom to follow our callings wherever they may lead. The problem is that traditionally masculine paths are still valued over traditionally feminine paths. The Feminist Movement has neglected to notice that, by promoting masculine behaviours in women, they are in fact upholding a patriarchal dismissal of the feminine.

Thriving in Femininity

Femininity is equally as valuable as masculinity. Both are essential for a healthy, balanced, supportive society. Some feminists have begun to recognise this, but there still needs to be a shift away from this ingrained undervaluing of femininity. Women don’t have to act like men to have worth. We all have our individual gifts and different strengths that mean we express our femininity through the lens of our own personality. Growing towards femininity does not make us all identical. Rather, it allows us each to thrive and bloom into the wonderful image of who God created us to be.

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Elegant Eating Etiquette

In my previous blog article, Introduction to Dining Etiquette, I wrote about the basics of table manners and the difference between Continental and American methods of using cutlery. As a follow-up to that, I thought I’d share here some additional tips about Western dining etiquette and how to eat elegantly.

Napkins

You should follow your hostess’ lead as to when to place your napkin on your lap, however this would ideally be as soon as you’ve sat down at the table. It should definitely be before you commence eating, because you don’t want to risk dropping food on your clothes. Traditionally, different sized napkins are used for different meals, with dinner napkins being larger than ones for afternoon tea. When you take your napkin, fold it equally in half along its sides so that it forms a rectangle. Then place it on your lap with the folded edge towards your body. Try to do this quietly under the table, without making a fuss over it or flapping the napkin where people can see. To use your napkin, open the corners by your knees and lift the napkin to delicately dab your lips. Don’t make a big show of scrubbing your mouth. You can then refold your napkin to cover any stains, as they will be inside the folded layers. If you don’t like a mouthful of food it is polite to swallow it anyway, however if you can’t force yourself do that or it contains a bone, then discreetly spit it out into your napkin. Give the impression you are merely dabbing your mouth. You shouldn’t leave the table during dinner, but if you need to then place your napkin on your chair. This is a signal to the waiters that you are coming back. At the end of the meal, gather your napkin together and leave it to the left of your plate on the table.

Bread & Butter

When taking butter from a butter dish, use your butter knife to cut off all you want and place it on the edge of your bread plate. Don’t spread butter straight onto your bread from the butter dish. Instead, tear off one bite size piece of bread at a time with your fingers and butter each piece with your knife to eat individually, using the butter on the side of your plate. This avoids getting crumbs into the butter, which besides looking more aesthetically pleasing is considerate to anyone else sharing that butter dish. This is especially vital if the butter may be shared with someone who is on a gluten free diet. Even if you are not sharing the butter, however, it’s still proper etiquette to act as if you might be and to avoid contaminating it with crumbs.

Soup

When eating soup, your soup spoon should be scooped away from you. This helps to avoid splashes onto clothes, although it’s also a leftover from when soup spoons used to be much larger than they are today. Avoid overfilling your spoon – aim to fill it by about two thirds. Again, this helps avoid spillages. You can remove drips from the bottom of your spoon by gently scraping it against the lip of your soup dish if it has one. If it doesn’t, then just briefly rest your spoon on the surface of your soup to remove drips. Never blow on your soup as that may cause splashes. It is better to instead wait for it to cool on the spoon if it is too hot. Don’t tilt your soup bowl, even to get the last drops, as that is how accidents happen and messes occur. Quietly sip the soup from the edge of your spoon that is closest to you.

Salt & Pepper

Always taste your food first before adding salt or pepper. This indicates that it’s simply a matter of personal preference rather than a case of your not trusting the cook’s judgement. If you are asked to pass either the salt or pepper make sure to always pass them as a pair. The salt and pepper should stay together. Ask someone to pass the salt and pepper to you if you would like them and they’re not within easy reach. Never lean across someone else to get them. When someone has asked for something at the dinner table (in this case salt and pepper), always pass it on to that person first. It would be rude to make them wait by using it first whilst it’s being passed down the table. Because of this, it’s polite and the proper etiquette to ask your neighbour if they would like the salt or pepper first before asking them to pass it to you. And of course, it goes without saying that you should always say the ‘magic words’ of please and thank you.

Spaghetti

Spaghetti notoriously takes no small degree of skill to eat with elegance. You should never twirl it on a spoon or cut it with a knife. Instead, take a small amount of spaghetti between the prongs of your fork. Twirl it clockwise against an empty edge of your plate until you have a neat bite-sized piece you can eat. If your fork picks up too much spaghetti, simply drop it off the fork and try again with a smaller amount. Be considerate to those around you by not slurping or shoving your mouth with too much for you to elegantly manage. Spaghetti can be a tricky food, so it may be wise to practise in private first and, unless you’re confident, possibly to avoid spaghetti altogether on a first date.

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What is an Accomplished Lady?

If you’ve been following Feminine Finishing School for a while, you might have noticed that I like to find out the history behind things – such as the history of etiquette or the history of French style. Something I find very interesting is finding out about the history of female education. The ideals held up for women and what they were taught to value is revealing of women’s roles in their societies. It was only in 1880 that education became a legal requirement for all girls and boys aged five to ten in England and Wales. All societies have to educate their young in some way however, whether that involves formal schooling or not. For well-to-do Georgian women such as those of Jane Austen’s generation, the goal was to become an ‘accomplished lady’ capable of attracting an eligible suitor. Yet even with that end purpose, considerable change can be seen in what it meant to be accomplished.

Early Girls’ Boarding Schools

‘I think that learning to write, read, sew, dance, sing, and play on some musical Instrument comprizes [sic] the whole of what is intended by modern Boarding-School Education, unless you will take the Art of Cookery into the account;’
A Letter to A Lady, Concerning the Education of Female Youth. (1749)

As early as in 1749 there were debates over the purpose of female education and what it meant to be an accomplished lady. It seemed to have been taken for granted that middle-class young ladies at least should receive some form of education, but there were disagreements over what form that should take.

Mid-Eighteenth-Century Education

A Letter to A Lady describes girls as commonly being taught the skills listed in the quotation above. Reading and writing offered a basic education with the ability to communicate, which was especially important in the days of letter writing. Sewing was a practical skill required before industrialisation or fast fashion, as well as allowing artistic accomplishments with decorative embroidery. Dancing, singing, and playing a musical instrument were important social skills in the eighteenth century as many social gatherings among the middle classes revolved around those activities. Cookery is essential to life itself as we all need to eat, however it was sidelined behind the other skills because people of those socio-economic circles generally had servants of some kind. Neither the anonymous male writer nor the anonymous lady he was writing to objected to the teaching of these accomplishments, but they both thought it was too limited.

Alternative Educational Ideas

If A Letter to A Lady is to be believed, this common education of the time influenced young women to be simply petty and pretty. They were taught superficial accomplishments and allowed to remain foolish. This led to unhelpful idle gossip and an obsession with external appearance alone, lacking either developed character or intellect. The lady and male writer differed in how they thought girls should be educated however. The lady appears to have been an early feminist. She thought that girls should be given an academic education more equal to that of men, which would give them knowledge and develop an intellectual curiosity. The male writer, on the other hand, believed that such an education would be a waste and that young ladies should instead be prepared for the roles they were expected to play – those of wife, mistress of the household, and mother. Some of the comments the male writer makes are comically dated, but I can also see how they were a product of the mid-eighteenth-century society of the time.

Jane Austen’s Accomplished Lady

‘ “It is amazing to me,” said Bingley, “how young ladies have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are.”
“All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?”
“Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time without being informed that she was very accomplished.”
“Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,” said Darcy, “has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse, or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”
“Nor I, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley.
“Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”
“Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it.”
“Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.”
“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”
“I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.” ‘
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

I find it interesting to compare what was considered an accomplished lady in 1749 and in 1813 during Jane Austen’s time. Just the short passage above shows that many of the same themes had been continued, yet that the idea of an accomplished lady had also been expanded. Jane Austen needs to be taken with a pinch of salt as the passage displays her typical humour. She’s poking fun at the high standards that were idealised for women, saying she doesn’t know anyone who is all those things, but it also gives insight on the typical views of the time.

Early-Nineteenth-Century Education

Like the girls’ boarding schools in A Letter to A Lady, Mr Bingley and much of Regency society had rather superficial ideas of what constituted an accomplished lady. All they were required to do was paint picture tables, cover decorative fire screens, and make net purses. These were essentially all creative skills or ‘fancy work’, as opposed to the less decorative ‘plain work’ that was practical sewing and mending. Miss Bingley adds drawing to this list, as well as the dancing, singing, and music that were required for social gatherings.

Additional Accomplishments

It’s the additional accomplishments, however, that stand out. Being a truly accomplished lady in 1813 was evidently much more of a challenge that it had been in 1749! Ladies were expected to have a ‘thorough knowledge’ of ‘all’ the fashionable modern languages. This most likely meant French, German, and Italian. It excluded the academic classical languages of Greek and Latin that were studied by the gentlemen, yet to be competent in three foreign languages requires a lot of study and perseverance. Even today, to be able to speak that many languages is a very impressive accomplishment!

Even with all these skills and achievements, a lady was not yet truly accomplished. She needed to cultivate something more intangible with an elegant manner and presence – something that could be called the je ne sais quoi element. A truly accomplished lady had developed poise, grace, and a sense of presence. She understood etiquette and was well practised in her social skills.

A Question of Character

In the passage from Pride and Prejudice three characters understand different levels of accomplishment. Mr Bingley is easy-going and easily pleased, so is content with an elementary level of accomplishment. Miss Bingley is more critical and raises the standard to a more intermediate level. She remains rather superficial however, focused on external appearances. Mr Darcy cares about the inner mind as well, and so describes a more advanced level of accomplishment. He adds that a truly accomplished lady also has ‘something more substantial’ and is interested in ‘the improvement of her mind’. She must be well-read and capable of interesting conversation, because this demonstrates something about her character. An accomplished lady knows there is always more to learn. She has a love of learning and a desire to improve herself.

Something they all miss though, whilst focused on skills and mannerisms and intellect, is the state of the lady’s heart. A true lady is kind-hearted and caring, respectful of others, compassionate, aware of her own flaws, gracious and polite, has an inner peace, and is strong in her integrity. A kind heart and strong values are more important than all the accomplishments of the world.

Feminine Accomplishment Themes

Whilst I’ve been pondering over the skills that were traditionally required of an accomplished lady, I’ve noticed some common themes that they can be categorised into. As Elizabeth Bennet pointed out at the end of the Pride and Prejudice passage above, few women have achieved all these accomplishments and they do not define a woman’s worth. I find in interesting however to see the underlying themes.

The traditional skills of an accomplished lady are:

Practical skills: sewing, cooking, baking, household management; and nowadays also finances, paperwork, driving, adult responsibilities in general.
Creative skills: drawing, painting, embroidery, dressmaking, knitting, flower arranging; a hobby and interest of your own.
Music & singing: historically the piano was popular, nowadays it may be any instrument, and of course the voice is near universal.
Dancing: during the Georgian period this meant English country dancing, during the Victorian period it shifted to ballroom dancing, nowadays this could be any elegant style of dance such as ballet or a traditional folk dance.
Languages: historically French has been the most popular second language in Britain, although the Victorians favoured German; needless to say nowadays it could be any language of your choice and it’s perhaps best to choose one that you will be most likely to have occasion to use.
Poise & grooming: deportment, grace, radiance, style, beauty, clarity of communication, historically this included elocution.
Etiquette & entertaining: the etiquette of your own country and culture, as well as international cultural differences in etiquette, hostess skills.
Social skills: social confidence, conversation, body language awareness, understanding of social interactions and psychology, friendships, relationships, people skills.
Education & culture: good general knowledge, current events, the arts and sciences, well-read, capable of interesting and intelligent conversations, love of learning, desire to improve self.
Kindness of heart: the inner core that gives good intentions to all other accomplishments, compassion, respect, integrity, character, unselfish wish to help others, altruism, desire to continually grow into a better person, the most important element, all other accomplishments are simply a means to an end.

Everyday Deportment & Posture

‘Bodies… are born beautiful, but it’s the way we stand and sit that misshapes them.’
Clover Stroud

Good posture is important. It means using your body as it was designed to be used. Proper posture is beneficial for your health because it helps to train your body away from distorted positions that could cause issues such as backache later on in life. Aside from the health concerns, posture radically impacts your appearance – both in terms of beauty and as body language. Your posture communicates how you feel about yourself and is arguably the single easiest thing to change to instantly appear more beautiful and more confident. What’s more, it doesn’t need to cost anything.

Traditionally good posture was taught in finishing schools as part of lessons on deportment. They recognised that deportment, or knowing how to move and hold yourself with elegant grace, was subtle yet important in contributing towards success in life. These days we spend so much time hunched over computer or phone screens that many of us seem to have forgotten this. Bad posture has become so normal that sometimes we don’t even recognise what’s wrong. I hope this guide will help.

Head & Neck

Keep your head up and your neck straight, with your ears in line with your shoulders. Look forwards in the direction you are going instead of letting your neck hunch forwards as if you’re constantly bending over a phone screen. Keep your chin up and level, with your head straight. You want neither for your nose to be snootily in the air nor for your head to be bent down in shame. If you rest your index finger vertically against the front of your neck, it will help check your chin is in the correct position. Imagine you are wearing a crown. You want your posture to be regal. Traditionally this has been practised in finishing schools by balancing a book on the head to make sure the head is straight and movements are graceful.

Shoulders & Arms

Roll your shoulders back and down, so that it opens up your chest. Make sure your shoulders aren’t hunched up like they’re trying to curl up in a foetal position. A trick is to check that your thumbs are pointing forwards instead of inwards towards your body, because because that automatically rotates your arms and shoulders back. However, make sure your body is relaxed and your shoulders aren’t stiff or forced into an extreme position.

Spine & Pelvis

Rotate your pelvis under you as if you were tucking your tail bone in. You want to keep your spine straight all the way through your back, from your neck through to your tail bone. Stretch your spine straight as tall as it goes. There should be a natural curve in your spine, but don’t intentionally arch your back (something many women tend to do when trying to improve their posture) because that will only lead to back ache long term as it’s not correct posture.

Stomach

Pull your stomach in and stay relaxed. The idea is not to worry about your weight, but to elongate the front of your body. Hold your body to its full height. You have value and should carry yourself in knowledge of that. Elegant posture doesn’t try to hide and isn’t ashamed to exist.

Legs & Knees

Stand with your weight evenly distributed across both feet. Keep your legs straight but with your knees relaxed. Good posture is neither stiff nor lazy, and should be relaxed yet regal. Deportment is something to practise everyday until it becomes second nature. It may take some time to break old habits, but your long-term health and beauty will benefit greatly from it.

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Decoding Dress Codes

I thought today we’d talk about dress codes. Although usually only formal invitations state a dress code, all occasions have some expected level of appropriate dress. Most of the time we intuitively recognise these, but it can still be tricky to know what to wear. Understanding what the different levels of formality are and what they each require can be helpful. This knowledge is a framework to judge what level of formality is expected. There is some fluidity within levels and most forms of dress can be amalgamated into it as the equivalent of some level in the scale.

The formality levels of Western dress codes are:

White Tie
Black Tie
Morning Dress
Lounge Suits / ‘Formal Business’
‘Formal’ Smart Casual / ‘Business Casual’
‘Informal’ Smart Casual
Casual
‘Old Clothes’

Expectations for men’s clothing are generally quite clear cut, especially at the most formal levels, where it’s strictly defined. Ladies’ clothing, by comparison, is open to wider interpretation. This is more challenging but also gives greater creativity and variety – as can be seen at white and black tie events, when the dress code allows the ladies to stand out in their beautiful bright gowns against the monotone uniformity of the gentlemen.

White Tie

White tie is the most formal of Western dress codes and is rarely seen nowadays. ‘White tie’ will always be stated on the invitation and it is only worn in the evening, after 6pm. It is reserved for only the most formal occasions. White tie may be worn at certain royal ceremonies, state banquets, high society balls, and livery dinners. It may also be called ‘full evening dress.’

Gentlemen: black single-breasted tailcoat; black trousers; white shirt with wing collar; low-cut white evening waistcoat; white bow tie (hence the name ‘white tie’); cufflinks; studs; black lace-up shoes; black socks; in winter a black overcoat and white silk scarf are optional.

Ladies: full-length formal evening dress or ballgown; dresses traditionally show décolletage; finest jewellery; tiaras may be worn by married women only; small evening bag; long evening gloves (which should be removed before eating); evening coat, cloak, or wrap.

Black Tie

Black tie is much more commonly seen than white tie, although it is still only worn for semi-formal evening events after 6pm. Black tie may be worn for public or private dinners, balls, parties, awards ceremonies, and high society events. Although referred to as ‘semi-formal’ (in comparison to the more formal white tie), these are still very formal events. Black tie may also be referred to as ‘dinner jackets’ or, in America, as ‘tuxedos.’

Gentlemen: black single-breasted dinner jacket; black trousers; white evening shirt with turned-down collar; cummerbunds or waistcoats are optional; black bow tie (hence the name ‘black tie’); studs; black lace-up shoes; black socks; a white handkerchief in the left breast pocket is traditional.

Ladies: long evening dress or cocktail dress; palazzo cut evening trousers may be an alternative option; voluminous dresses or very tight dresses are both inappropriate for sit-down dinners; sheer or black tights; fine jewellery; evening bag; evening coat.

Morning Dress

Morning dress is the daytime equivalent of white tie, for formal events starting before 6pm. It may be worn at some official functions, weddings, formal daytime events, and social season events such as the horse races. Morning dress is no longer commonly worn, so the events that it is worn for are special occasions.

Gentlemen: black or grey single-breasted morning coat; grey or grey and black-striped trousers; white or light-coloured shirt with a white turned-down collar; waistcoat; tie; cufflinks; a tie pin is optional; smart black shoes; a grey or black top hat is worn at certain events; a handkerchief in the left breast pocket and an understated buttonhole are optional.

Ladies: smart day dress or skirt; dresses should be modest and shoulders should be covered; a tailored jacket, shrug, or shawl are optional in summer; daytime jewellery; shoes should be day- rather than evening-style (i.e. not too high heels); tights; hats or fascinators.

Lounge Suits / ‘Formal Business’

Traditionally lounge suits were considered ‘informal’, however nowadays it’s common for it to be the most formal level of clothing that the average person wears. It can be worn during both daytime and evening for most business events, as well as many social events such as dinners, lunches, receptions, christenings, weddings, and funerals. The term ‘lounge suit’ is used on invitations, whilst in conversation it is generally referred to as a ‘business suit’ or ‘dark suit.’

Gentlemen: dark single-breasted jacket; dark trousers; white or light-coloured shirt with turned-down collar; a single- or double-breasted waistcoat is optional (this is the difference between a three-piece or two-piece suit); belts should not be worn with a waistcoat; tie; smart shoes.

Ladies: smart day dress or skirt or trouser suit; dresses should be below the knee; shoulders should be covered; jacket or coat; daytime bag; for evening events, a smart dress or cocktail dress with an evening bag; if necessary, the same dress can be worn for day and evening, with a jacket removed and accessories added in the evening.

‘Formal’ Smart Casual / ‘Business Casual’

Smart casual is a rather vague term as far as formality of dress code goes. There is often an unspoken division between the more formal ‘smart casual’ and its more informal variant. An intuitive judgement will likely need to be made on this from what type of event it is for. Generally if it is a business situation, the more formal variant will be called for.

Gentlemen: jacket or blazer; flannels or needlecord trousers or chinos (not jeans); shirt with a collar; a jumper or sweater is optional if it’s cold; smart shoes; ties shouldn’t be required.

Ladies: smart day dress or skirt or trousers; jacket or possibly a cardigan; smart shoes; smart accessories optional; avoid high heels or suits; avoid denim.

‘Informal’ Smart Casual

One of the main differences from the more ‘formal’ smart casual is that ‘informal’ smart casual allows the wearing of denim. However, this denim must be smart and in good quality – no ripped jeans please! It is one level more dressed up than what you may usually wear around home, and should have the effect of looking relaxed yet polished. You want to look like you have made some effort!

Gentlemen: smart dark-coloured jeans; polo shirt or equivalent (not a collar-less t-shirt); generally informal but smart and clean and tidy.

Ladies: denim allowed but it must be immaculate and dark-coloured; nice top; flats rather than heels; not too dressy but well put-together and made an effort.

Casual

Casual wear most likely forms your everyday go-to outfits. It is comprised of anything not suitable for more formal dress codes. This may include t-shirts or shorts, for example, but just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty. With a little forethought and planning of your outfits, perhaps the coordinating of accessories, you can still look elegant and well put-together.

‘Old Clothes’

Now this category isn’t included in any clothing scales I can find, but I think it’s helpful to recognise that there’s a level below casual. ‘Old clothes’ are things that you loved but which are now worn out. They don’t look too smart anymore, so you should avoid wearing them out in public, but they can be convenient for tasks at home. ‘Old clothes’ are what you can wear while gardening, decorating, or doing other such messy work when you don’t want to ruin your nicer clothes. The important thing is to recognise when items of clothing should be downgraded to this level, rather than allowing them to downgrade your whole style.

Cutlery, Courses, & Table Settings

Formal evening dinners are about enjoying quality food whilst also enjoying conversation with the company present. Since they are intended to be a pleasurable experience rather than just a fuelling of the body, these dinners usually have multiple courses with a sequence of different foods. These different courses mean that additional cutlery is used and if you are unfamiliar with these it can be confusing as to what is expected. In general, it’s better to be over-prepared so you feel knowledgeable and at ease, rather than to be under-prepared. Embarrassment and confusion will only distract you from the main reason you are there: to socialise with other people. It takes just a little knowledge of the system for the dining etiquette to be suddenly not so complicated as it may initially appear.

Dinner Presentation

There are two main styles in which dinner may be presented. The first, service à la française, originated in France and involved all the food being displayed on the table at the same time. This can still be seen today in the adapted form of buffets. The second, service à la russe, originated in Russia and was introduced to Paris by a Russian ambassador in 1810. This involved multiple courses being brought in separately from the kitchen by footmen or waiters throughout the meal. Service à la russe had the advantage that food was still hot when the time came to eat it and it became popular in England, later catching on in France and the rest of the Western world. Most formal dinners and Western restaurants today use a version of service à la russe.

Place Setting Layout

An easy way to remember the order for place settings is to hold your hands out in front of you and bend your thumbs to touch halfway along your index fingers. Your left hand will form a letter ‘b’, indicating that your bread plate and butter knife are on your left. Your right hand will form a letter ‘d’, indicating that your drinks glasses are on your right.

In the centre in front of you will either be an empty space for plates to be set (if you are in Britain) or a large service plate for other plates to be set on top of (if you are in America). In America it’s felt that guests shouldn’t come to a ‘naked’ place setting so service plates are used for decoration, although they also help catch drips or spills. However, in Britain service plates are considered unnecessary since they are not eaten from and so are traditionally not used.

Another cultural difference is that in American place settings the spoons are positioned above the plate, whereas in British settings they are traditionally positioned to the right hand side. However, since the American setting is used in international business it has become the norm in much of Britain. At Buckingham Palace, for instance, the American place setting for spoons is now used because The Queen receives many international guests and wishes to put them at ease – an example of following the spirit of etiquette over always obeying the rules of correct etiquette.

Cutlery Layout

A good general rule with cutlery is that you work from the outside in, and with cutlery above your plate you work from the bottom to the top. If you’re unsure which cutlery to use, you can watch your fellow diners to follow their lead. Forks will be positioned to the left of the plate to be used in the left hand, whereas knives will be positioned to the right to be used in the right hand. Knife blades should be facing inwards towards your plate to show that you mean your neighbour no harm.

The invention of stainless steel during the Industrial Revolution led the Victorians to design an excess of different cutlery utensils, each suited for specific foods. While the most elaborate of Victorian excesses are now rarely seen, formal dinners still make use of multiple cutlery pieces. The cutlery set on the table will indicate what types of food can be expected. Sometimes it will also show how many courses there will be, but this isn’t always the case as some etiquette experts consider it bad form to have more than three knives and forks on the table at a time, with the exception of an oyster fork. In this case, any cutlery for additional courses will be brought in separately later. Before the pudding course everything will be removed from your place setting except your water goblet and wine glasses.

Types of Cutlery

This isn’t an exhaustive list but consists of the most likely items to be encountered, as well as demonstrating the system in which cutlery is arranged.

To right of dinner plate: oyster fork resting in soup spoon, fish knife, entreé knife, meat knife, salad knife.

To left of dinner plate: fish fork, entreé fork, meat fork, salad fork.

Above dinner plate: ice cream fork, dessert fork, dessert spoon.

This setting would indicate an eight-course dinner consisting of hors d’œuvres, soup, fish, entreé, palate cleanser, main course, salad, and pudding, which would then likely be followed by coffee afterwards. The salad knife and fork would most likely be brought in later with the salad course, to avoid an excess of cutlery on the table at any one time.

Three-Course Dinners

Three-course dinners are the most common and are standard for all but the most formal dinners today. Additional courses would most likely be found at only very formal events. A three-course dinner consists of soup, a main course, and pudding.

Soup is first in a three-course dinner as a lighter, liquid starter. The soup spoon should be scooped away from you to avoid potential spills and then sipped from the side of the spoon. A bread roll may be served at the same time on your bread plate, but you shouldn’t dunk the bread in your soup unless you’re in an informal environment with friends.

The main course is the richest and most substantial part of a dinner. Unless you have chosen a vegetation option, it traditionally includes meat and should be eaten with the meat knife and meat fork.

Pudding is the sweet course that concludes a dinner. Depending on what is served, it would usually be eaten with the dessert fork in the left hand and dessert spoon in the right hand, with the spoon transferring food to your mouth. Having the most sugary foods at the end of a meal is best for your dental health because your enzymes are already at work and prepared to break the sugar down.

Full-Course Dinners

Although the Victorians had very elaborate multi-course dinners, these became shortened throughout the twentieth century. Whilst the three-course dinner is the standard nowadays, additional courses may be encountered at grander affairs. As a general guide, these courses start with light food then become richer with the main course or roast as the pinnacle, followed by more delicate and sweet foods to finish.

Hors d’œuvres is French for ‘outside of works’ because the chef’s main work will come later in the main courses. It is an appetiser that may be finger food or could use the oyster fork.
Amuse-bouche is French for ‘mouth amuser’ and is small bites of food that offer a glimpse of the chef’s skill while guests are waiting for the next courses. They emerged as part of the nouvelle cuisine movement of the 1960s so were not found in more traditional meals.
Soup is a relatively light course that prepares guests from the more substantial foods to come.
Fish traditionally came next. It was eaten using the fish fork and fish knife, however these largely fell out of fashion after World War One because the upper classes viewed them as a pretentious middle-class invention and preferred to use two forks instead.
Entrée means ‘entrance’ in French and is a small course prior to the main course. However, in America and parts of Canada it is instead sometimes used to refer to the main course itself. This is because only the upper classes would regularly eat a full-course dinner and, as eating habits became simplified, Americans began to eat what would have been an entrée as their main course instead. European eating habits also became simplified, but they retained the term entrée as referring to a starter course.
Roast/main course is the richest, most substantial, and largest course of the dinner. It usually involves meat, unless you are vegetarian.
A palate cleanser is sometimes served between two more substantial courses, such as between the roast and cold dish or alternatively between the entreé and roast. It is usually a punch or sorbet, which is eaten with the ice cream fork.
Cold dish/second main course is the last of the more substantial courses and traditionally involved cold meat, as opposed to the hot meat of the main course.
Salad is served after the main courses in Britain, whereas in America it’s instead served before the main course. It is eaten with the salad fork and salad knife, which are smaller than those used for meat.
Pudding is the British term for the sweet course, although in America it’s commonly called ‘dessert’. The pudding course could include cake, pie, tart, ice cream, pastry, custard, or an actual pudding – to give a few examples.
Dessert, unlike pudding, is the fruit course that acts as as a palate cleanser at the end of a meal. It’s name comes from the French ‘desservir‘.
Savouries/cheese are served after dessert in Britain. Savouries are less popular nowadays and a cheese course may be seen instead. The idea for both is the same – it’s something plain and salty that will clear the palate before the following drinks. In America, France, and most other European countries, however, cheese is instead served to accompany wines before pudding.
Coffee isn’t really a course but is frequently served after dinner. The increased blood sugar levels from dinner can induce sleepiness and coffee helps to counter that effect, allowing people to continue after dinner discussions.

Learn More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI21soMp3ls

10 Lessons From My First Society Dinners

Some time ago, a group I belonged to was invited to attend some of the dinner meetings of a larger society, which was formed of local business leaders. It was a social and charitable affair rather than being a business occasion, but it was still relatively formal. The only semi-formal event I’d ever been to before was my school prom, so I didn’t know what to expect for a society dinner. Like most things in life, it turned out I needn’t have worried so much. However, there were a few details that it would have been useful to know beforehand. Here are the lessons I learnt, so that you can be better prepared for society than I was.

1 Dress Codes

Always clarify the dress code with another woman if you’re unsure what to wear. Ideally you should ask the hostess, but if that’s not possible make sure to ask another woman whom you know is going. I learnt this the hard way. Although of course not always the case, in general it can be a bad idea to trust a man to communicate the dress code. It’s easy for them as they can simply add or take away a tie and jacket, but us ladies need to plan our entire outfit. Before my first society dinner I got the mistaken impression that it was a black tie event, when it turned out to be more of a ‘lounge suit’ affair. Being conscious that you’re either over- or under-dressed will distract you from confidently participating in the activities, so it’s best to check. The next time I went to a society dinner I made sure to tell the girls who were going for the first time what to expect!

2 Formality

Society dinners may seem somewhat intimidating at first for those of us who aren’t used to them, but they aren’t a big deal for everyone. People who have grown up with their family participating in such events find them completely normal. There is a scale of formality above what most of us experience in our everyday lives, and on that scale these ‘formal’ events may actually be considered relatively informal. It’s better to show respect by overestimating rather than underestimating the formality of an event, but in many cases you can be a lot more relaxed than you think. After all, you are there to socialise not to be judged.

3 Seating Arrangements

At dinners it’s traditional to be seated man, woman, man, woman. The idea is that this encourages more diverse and interesting conversation, whilst also giving an orderly symmetrical arrangement. At some dinners you may be designated a seat, but at others you’ll be free to choose. We were given place cards at one dinner I went to, which we could place wherever we liked. I put my name at the chair next to the girl I had travelled there with, however, when it was time to be seated I discovered that it had been moved so that I was instead sat between two men. It took me by surprise and had I known that custom beforehand it would have saved me confusion.

4 Conversation

Because of that change in seating arrangements I ended up being sat next to an old military man with whom, on a surface level at least, I had nothing in common. Society dinners are fundamentally social events, so you should go ready to make conversation with anyone. Those could be people of very different stages of life, backgrounds, and interests. Don’t make prior expectations of who you’ll be talking to; it helps to be prepared for anything. The height of politeness is to be equally able to be polite with anyone, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re not comfortably there yet. It’s a learning experience.

5 Asking Occupation

It goes without saying that you should never discuss finance, politics, or serious religion in situations that call for small talk. What I hadn’t considered beforehand was the more subtle question of asking about someone’s career. Since someone’s career forms a large part of the way they interact with the world, it’s natural to want to find out when you’re searching for a common topic of conversation. The difficulty is that it can come across (however unintentionally) like you’re looking to place them or fishing for information to figure out whether they might be useful to you. I would suggest being cautious of directly asking people what they do, or at least to be mindful of how you phrase the question unless they bring it up first.

6 Follow the Lead

If you are new to society dinners and uncertain how to maintain small talk with strangers, you don’t need to worry about it too much. That’s not your responsibility. It takes two people to make a conversation and if you’re new it’s ok to let the other person do that work. Don’t be afraid to leave moments of silence. If it’s just a social occasion, there’s no pressure and you don’t need to ‘prove’ yourself. Just let other people lead the conversation and make sure you’re ready to follow where it goes.

7 Strange Traditions

If you are going to a society dinner, be prepared for strange customs and traditions. This is especially true if the company is mostly formed of an older generation, as the dinners I went to were. Before the first course was served, everyone had to stand up while the society’s president said grace and thanked God for dinner. This wasn’t a shock for me as I ‘d grown up in a Christian family, but it was amusing to see other people’s reactions when the group I came with were talking about it later. They found it a very quaint, unexpected oddity! Later on, I was the one taken by surprise. We all had to stand up again whilst a ‘loyal toast’ was given to The Queen, and I didn’t realise what was happening in time to raise my glass with everyone else. So be prepared for unfamiliar traditions!

8 Coffee

At many dinners it’s customary for coffee to be served after the meal. This wasn’t a big deal but was something I hadn’t known beforehand. I think that being aware of small things such as the usual order of events and courses can help you feel much more at ease. If you can predict what will happen next it helps you feel more like you know what you’re doing, rather than being constantly surprised by small details that remind you it’s an unfamiliar experience.

9 Transport Plans

Before you go to any event, make sure you know how you’re getting home again afterwards, especially if it’s an evening event. For example, if you’re travelling by public transport you don’t want to be worrying about where exactly the bus stop is – that’s not a fun way to end your evening. Suss out your plan in appropriate detail beforehand, and don’t be afraid to ask an acquaintance to point you in the right direction if necessary.

10 Experience

My final point is to make the most of the experience and remember that it’s good to try new things. The only way to extend your comfort zone and grow as a person is to step slightly outside of that comfort zone. Preparation beforehand will help you feel more at ease and if you go once then the next time will be much less intimidating. This doesn’t just apply to formal events such as society dinners, but to all new experiences in life. We are lucky to have these opportunities and they offer us the chance for personal growth, through which we can develop different aspects of our personalities and life experience.

Introduction to Dining Etiquette

‘Man, it has been said, is a dining animal. Creatures of the inferior races eat and drink; man only dines.’
Mrs Beeton’s Book of Household Management

From family suppers to formal dinners, eating together is often an important social occasion. Food and drink, however, provide many opportunities for things to go wrong and it can be very unpleasant to sit next to a messy or loud eater. Because of this, etiquette is especially important when at the dining table.

Modern Western table manners arose during the Renaissance, when the concept of personal betterment and refinement was popular. In 1533 Catherine de’ Medici left Florence (the cultural centre of the Renaissance) to marry Henry II, the future king of France. Both were fourteen-years-old at the time. Catherine de’ Medici did much to Italianise French dining habits and is credited for introducing modern table manners to the rest of Europe, which was still feasting in a Medieval fashion. The use of forks was slow to catch on, and it was only by the eighteenth century that etiquette guides required the use of forks. Our dining etiquette originates from that period.

Basic Table Manners

‘The best table manners are always those that no one notices.’
Debrett’s

The basics of table manners are the rules we were taught as children. They may seem like common sense, but are important to remember. Wash your hands and be clean before coming to the table. Wait until everyone has been served before beginning to eat. Chew with your mouth closed, finish your mouthful before talking, and never stuff your face with more than you can elegantly manage. Don’t burp, slurp, chew loudly, or make other unseemly noises. Avoid making scraping or clattering noises with cutlery. Don’t pick your teeth at the table or spit out food. Keep your elbows off the table, sit with a good posture, and show interest in the conversation. Don’t use your phone at the table or even have it visible at the table. Listen politely and wait your turn instead of interrupting conversation. If you want something from the other side of the table, ask someone to please pass it to you rather than reaching across them. Try to match your eating speed to those around you, so they are not waiting for you to finish nor you waiting for them at the end. It is a matter of being respectful so that the focus is on enjoying the food and conversation, rather than being distracted by someone’s atrocious table manners.

Continental Style Dining

There are two styles of using cutlery: the continental style and the American style. The continental style is used throughout continental Europe as well as in Britain. The American style, as evident from its name, is unique to America. The difference between the two styles is in their usage of the knife and fork.

The knife should be held in the right hand while the fork is used in the left hand. The handles of the knife and fork should be held inside the palms of each hand, with the index fingers pointing straight down the backs of each. The knife should never be held like a pen. The right index finger should reach to where the knife handle joins the blade, while the left index finger should reach to just before the bridge of the fork with the fork tines turned downwards. The remaining fingers should be wrapped around each piece of cutlery to hold it securely. Your elbows should be held close to your sides, and your wrists should be held low above the plate.

In the continental style, the fork is used to hold a piece of food in place whilst the knife cuts a single mouthful. Only a single mouthful should be cut at a time – you’re not a little child anymore who needs all their food cut up for them beforehand. The fork is then used, still in the left hand, to transfer that piece of food to the mouth. The knife remains in the right hand, held low above the plate until it is needed to cut the next mouthful.

The fork tines can be used to stab a piece of food, and the knife can be used to help pile softer foods on the back (the convex side) of the fork. When eating continental style, the concave side of the fork should never be used to shovel food. Apparently piling food on the back of the fork is a very British thing to do, and different types of food can be combined in a single mouthful as long as it’s of a manageable size.

American Style Dining

American style dining is also known as the ‘zig-zag’ or the ‘cut-and-switch’ method. To begin with, the knife and fork are held in the same way as in the continental style. However, once a mouthful of food has been cut, the knife is then laid to rest diagonally across the top of the plate. The fork is transferred from the left to the right hand and is held like a pen with the concave side facing upwards. The left hand is placed to rest neatly in your own lap until it’s needed again. The fork (now in the right hand) is used to stab a piece of food and transfer it to your mouth. The fork is then moved back into the left hand again and the knife taken up in the right hand to repeat the process.

There are various theories as to why Americans have their own style of dining instead of using the continental style. The continental style is used throughout Europe as well as in much of the rest of the world for international business. The most popular story appears to be that the American style of dining was once the norm in France. Americans chose to adopt the French way of dining since they considered France to be the height of civility. However, by the 1850s the French switched to the continental style. They considered it more efficient, even though it initially required more practice for right-handed people to become fully coordinated. The Americans, meanwhile, continued using their cutlery the way they had before.

Other Western Cultural Differences

Besides the most obvious difference in the use of cutlery, there are a number of other differences between the dining etiquettes of Western countries. In America, your spare hand should be kept neatly in your lap under the table. In Britain, you shouldn’t put your cutlery down during a course unless you are reaching for your drink or napkin, but between courses your hands should be kept in your lap beneath the table. By comparison, in France this would be considered incredibly rude. When dining in France, your hands should be visible above the table at all times. Historically this was to prove you weren’t hiding a weapon. Nowadays it shows that you’re not misbehaving beneath the table, and also gives ladies a chance to show off their fine rings. This rule is also true for much of the rest of continental Europe, including Spain, Italy, Germany, and Sweden.

In Germany it is polite to avoid using your knife to cut, instead slicing food with the side of your fork if possible. This is a compliment to the host or hostess since to cut with your knife would suggest that the food was undercooked. Another cultural etiquette difference is the position that your knife and fork are left in when you have finished eating. In Britain they should be left in a 6:30 position (imagining your knife and fork as the handles on a clock) to signal that you have finished, whereas in America they should be left in a 4:20 position. Again, this varies from country to country in continental Europe.

Learn More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRL8xVjXK_w

Why Etiquette?

While I’m working on the next blog article for our series on biblical women (next up is Sarah!), I’ve decided to kick off with a new series. Since the last bible study was of a rather dark story, I thought it might be nice to have some more lighthearted posts to mix it up a bit and continue with some of the other ideas I have for Feminine Finishing School. So let’s talk about etiquette!

History of Etiquette

The word ‘etiquette’ comes from the French étiquette, which meant a label or note. This is because signs were placed around the court of the French king Louis XIV at Versailles to remind his courtiers how they were expected to behave. These signs were known as étiquettes. The term was then borrowed by the Spanish royal court, who began using it to refer to the actual behaviour rather than just the signs it was written on. The French borrowed it back from Spain with this new meaning, and from France it was then adopted into English. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word ‘etiquette’ was first used in English in 1737. By the mid-eighteenth century, etiquette had become established as a word in the English language. With the arrival of the Industrial Revolution, it then grew in importance as increased opportunities for social mobility became available to the public and people wanted to improve themselves.

Relevance of Etiquette Today

Etiquette is sometimes dismissed as a snobbish set of silly rules. Although some people may have degraded it to that, that is not its true nature. The purpose of etiquette is NOT to catch people out! It’s not about judging other people for their social faux pas, but about learning the correct behaviour to help put others at ease. True etiquette and good manners are about the spirit of intention behind them. They act as a social lubricant that can allow you to feel more confident in how to behave, so as to best communicate and interact with other people. Making the effort to act according to etiquette is a way to show respect and appreciation for those around you.

While the underlying spirit of good manners, respect, and kindness are universal, the more specific details of etiquette are culturally defined. As such, behaving with good etiquette is an implicit signal that you either belong to that culture or that you care enough to learn about it. By appearing gracious and graceful as a true lady (or gentleman), you allow bridges to be crossed between people and doors to be opened to new opportunities. Etiquette should be guided by the circumstance in which you find yourself, as it is dependant on the different cultures and levels of formality, however it’s wise to be prepared beforehand with a knowledge of the proper behaviours.

Often these are not things that most of us learn while growing up. Those who are in the know tend to take that knowledge for granted, so it can be difficult for us to learn ourselves. However, I hope that Feminine Finishing School can become a place to gather that information from the obscure corners it’s been hiding in. I have plans to write many blog articles on the overlooked details of etiquette, so I do hope that you will enjoy learning alongside me.