10 Lessons From My First Society Dinners

Some time ago, a group I belonged to was invited to attend some of the dinner meetings of a larger society, which was formed of local business leaders. It was a social and charitable affair rather than being a business occasion, but it was still relatively formal. The only semi-formal event I’d ever been to before was my school prom, so I didn’t know what to expect for a society dinner. Like most things in life, it turned out I needn’t have worried so much. However, there were a few details that it would have been useful to know beforehand. Here are the lessons I learnt, so that you can be better prepared for society than I was.

1 Dress Codes

Always clarify the dress code with another woman if you’re unsure what to wear. Ideally you should ask the hostess, but if that’s not possible make sure to ask another woman whom you know is going. I learnt this the hard way. Although of course not always the case, in general it can be a bad idea to trust a man to communicate the dress code. It’s easy for them as they can simply add or take away a tie and jacket, but us ladies need to plan our entire outfit. Before my first society dinner I got the mistaken impression that it was a black tie event, when it turned out to be more of a ‘lounge suit’ affair. Being conscious that you’re either over- or under-dressed will distract you from confidently participating in the activities, so it’s best to check. The next time I went to a society dinner I made sure to tell the girls who were going for the first time what to expect!

2 Formality

Society dinners may seem somewhat intimidating at first for those of us who aren’t used to them, but they aren’t a big deal for everyone. People who have grown up with their family participating in such events find them completely normal. There is a scale of formality above what most of us experience in our everyday lives, and on that scale these ‘formal’ events may actually be considered relatively informal. It’s better to show respect by overestimating rather than underestimating the formality of an event, but in many cases you can be a lot more relaxed than you think. After all, you are there to socialise not to be judged.

3 Seating Arrangements

At dinners it’s traditional to be seated man, woman, man, woman. The idea is that this encourages more diverse and interesting conversation, whilst also giving an orderly symmetrical arrangement. At some dinners you may be designated a seat, but at others you’ll be free to choose. We were given place cards at one dinner I went to, which we could place wherever we liked. I put my name at the chair next to the girl I had travelled there with, however, when it was time to be seated I discovered that it had been moved so that I was instead sat between two men. It took me by surprise and had I known that custom beforehand it would have saved me confusion.

4 Conversation

Because of that change in seating arrangements I ended up being sat next to an old military man with whom, on a surface level at least, I had nothing in common. Society dinners are fundamentally social events, so you should go ready to make conversation with anyone. Those could be people of very different stages of life, backgrounds, and interests. Don’t make prior expectations of who you’ll be talking to; it helps to be prepared for anything. The height of politeness is to be equally able to be polite with anyone, but don’t beat yourself up if you’re not comfortably there yet. It’s a learning experience.

5 Asking Occupation

It goes without saying that you should never discuss finance, politics, or serious religion in situations that call for small talk. What I hadn’t considered beforehand was the more subtle question of asking about someone’s career. Since someone’s career forms a large part of the way they interact with the world, it’s natural to want to find out when you’re searching for a common topic of conversation. The difficulty is that it can come across (however unintentionally) like you’re looking to place them or fishing for information to figure out whether they might be useful to you. I would suggest being cautious of directly asking people what they do, or at least to be mindful of how you phrase the question unless they bring it up first.

6 Follow the Lead

If you are new to society dinners and uncertain how to maintain small talk with strangers, you don’t need to worry about it too much. That’s not your responsibility. It takes two people to make a conversation and if you’re new it’s ok to let the other person do that work. Don’t be afraid to leave moments of silence. If it’s just a social occasion, there’s no pressure and you don’t need to ‘prove’ yourself. Just let other people lead the conversation and make sure you’re ready to follow where it goes.

7 Strange Traditions

If you are going to a society dinner, be prepared for strange customs and traditions. This is especially true if the company is mostly formed of an older generation, as the dinners I went to were. Before the first course was served, everyone had to stand up while the society’s president said grace and thanked God for dinner. This wasn’t a shock for me as I ‘d grown up in a Christian family, but it was amusing to see other people’s reactions when the group I came with were talking about it later. They found it a very quaint, unexpected oddity! Later on, I was the one taken by surprise. We all had to stand up again whilst a ‘loyal toast’ was given to The Queen, and I didn’t realise what was happening in time to raise my glass with everyone else. So be prepared for unfamiliar traditions!

8 Coffee

At many dinners it’s customary for coffee to be served after the meal. This wasn’t a big deal but was something I hadn’t known beforehand. I think that being aware of small things such as the usual order of events and courses can help you feel much more at ease. If you can predict what will happen next it helps you feel more like you know what you’re doing, rather than being constantly surprised by small details that remind you it’s an unfamiliar experience.

9 Transport Plans

Before you go to any event, make sure you know how you’re getting home again afterwards, especially if it’s an evening event. For example, if you’re travelling by public transport you don’t want to be worrying about where exactly the bus stop is – that’s not a fun way to end your evening. Suss out your plan in appropriate detail beforehand, and don’t be afraid to ask an acquaintance to point you in the right direction if necessary.

10 Experience

My final point is to make the most of the experience and remember that it’s good to try new things. The only way to extend your comfort zone and grow as a person is to step slightly outside of that comfort zone. Preparation beforehand will help you feel more at ease and if you go once then the next time will be much less intimidating. This doesn’t just apply to formal events such as society dinners, but to all new experiences in life. We are lucky to have these opportunities and they offer us the chance for personal growth, through which we can develop different aspects of our personalities and life experience.

Introduction to Dining Etiquette

‘Man, it has been said, is a dining animal. Creatures of the inferior races eat and drink; man only dines.’
Mrs Beeton’s Book of Household Management

From family suppers to formal dinners, eating together is often an important social occasion. Food and drink, however, provide many opportunities for things to go wrong and it can be very unpleasant to sit next to a messy or loud eater. Because of this, etiquette is especially important when at the dining table.

Modern Western table manners arose during the Renaissance, when the concept of personal betterment and refinement was popular. In 1533 Catherine de’ Medici left Florence (the cultural centre of the Renaissance) to marry Henry II, the future king of France. Both were fourteen-years-old at the time. Catherine de’ Medici did much to Italianise French dining habits and is credited for introducing modern table manners to the rest of Europe, which was still feasting in a Medieval fashion. The use of forks was slow to catch on, and it was only by the eighteenth century that etiquette guides required the use of forks. Our dining etiquette originates from that period.

Basic Table Manners

‘The best table manners are always those that no one notices.’
Debrett’s

The basics of table manners are the rules we were taught as children. They may seem like common sense, but are important to remember. Wash your hands and be clean before coming to the table. Wait until everyone has been served before beginning to eat. Chew with your mouth closed, finish your mouthful before talking, and never stuff your face with more than you can elegantly manage. Don’t burp, slurp, chew loudly, or make other unseemly noises. Avoid making scraping or clattering noises with cutlery. Don’t pick your teeth at the table or spit out food. Keep your elbows off the table, sit with a good posture, and show interest in the conversation. Don’t use your phone at the table or even have it visible at the table. Listen politely and wait your turn instead of interrupting conversation. If you want something from the other side of the table, ask someone to please pass it to you rather than reaching across them. Try to match your eating speed to those around you, so they are not waiting for you to finish nor you waiting for them at the end. It is a matter of being respectful so that the focus is on enjoying the food and conversation, rather than being distracted by someone’s atrocious table manners.

Continental Style Dining

There are two styles of using cutlery: the continental style and the American style. The continental style is used throughout continental Europe as well as in Britain. The American style, as evident from its name, is unique to America. The difference between the two styles is in their usage of the knife and fork.

The knife should be held in the right hand while the fork is used in the left hand. The handles of the knife and fork should be held inside the palms of each hand, with the index fingers pointing straight down the backs of each. The knife should never be held like a pen. The right index finger should reach to where the knife handle joins the blade, while the left index finger should reach to just before the bridge of the fork with the fork tines turned downwards. The remaining fingers should be wrapped around each piece of cutlery to hold it securely. Your elbows should be held close to your sides, and your wrists should be held low above the plate.

In the continental style, the fork is used to hold a piece of food in place whilst the knife cuts a single mouthful. Only a single mouthful should be cut at a time – you’re not a little child anymore who needs all their food cut up for them beforehand. The fork is then used, still in the left hand, to transfer that piece of food to the mouth. The knife remains in the right hand, held low above the plate until it is needed to cut the next mouthful.

The fork tines can be used to stab a piece of food, and the knife can be used to help pile softer foods on the back (the convex side) of the fork. When eating continental style, the concave side of the fork should never be used to shovel food. Apparently piling food on the back of the fork is a very British thing to do, and different types of food can be combined in a single mouthful as long as it’s of a manageable size.

American Style Dining

American style dining is also known as the ‘zig-zag’ or the ‘cut-and-switch’ method. To begin with, the knife and fork are held in the same way as in the continental style. However, once a mouthful of food has been cut, the knife is then laid to rest diagonally across the top of the plate. The fork is transferred from the left to the right hand and is held like a pen with the concave side facing upwards. The left hand is placed to rest neatly in your own lap until it’s needed again. The fork (now in the right hand) is used to stab a piece of food and transfer it to your mouth. The fork is then moved back into the left hand again and the knife taken up in the right hand to repeat the process.

There are various theories as to why Americans have their own style of dining instead of using the continental style. The continental style is used throughout Europe as well as in much of the rest of the world for international business. The most popular story appears to be that the American style of dining was once the norm in France. Americans chose to adopt the French way of dining since they considered France to be the height of civility. However, by the 1850s the French switched to the continental style. They considered it more efficient, even though it initially required more practice for right-handed people to become fully coordinated. The Americans, meanwhile, continued using their cutlery the way they had before.

Other Western Cultural Differences

Besides the most obvious difference in the use of cutlery, there are a number of other differences between the dining etiquettes of Western countries. In America, your spare hand should be kept neatly in your lap under the table. In Britain, you shouldn’t put your cutlery down during a course unless you are reaching for your drink or napkin, but between courses your hands should be kept in your lap beneath the table. By comparison, in France this would be considered incredibly rude. When dining in France, your hands should be visible above the table at all times. Historically this was to prove you weren’t hiding a weapon. Nowadays it shows that you’re not misbehaving beneath the table, and also gives ladies a chance to show off their fine rings. This rule is also true for much of the rest of continental Europe, including Spain, Italy, Germany, and Sweden.

In Germany it is polite to avoid using your knife to cut, instead slicing food with the side of your fork if possible. This is a compliment to the host or hostess since to cut with your knife would suggest that the food was undercooked. Another cultural etiquette difference is the position that your knife and fork are left in when you have finished eating. In Britain they should be left in a 6:30 position (imagining your knife and fork as the handles on a clock) to signal that you have finished, whereas in America they should be left in a 4:20 position. Again, this varies from country to country in continental Europe.

Learn More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRL8xVjXK_w

Why Etiquette?

While I’m working on the next blog article for our series on biblical women (next up is Sarah!), I’ve decided to kick off with a new series. Since the last bible study was of a rather dark story, I thought it might be nice to have some more lighthearted posts to mix it up a bit and continue with some of the other ideas I have for Feminine Finishing School. So let’s talk about etiquette!

History of Etiquette

The word ‘etiquette’ comes from the French étiquette, which meant a label or note. This is because signs were placed around the court of the French king Louis XIV at Versailles to remind his courtiers how they were expected to behave. These signs were known as étiquettes. The term was then borrowed by the Spanish royal court, who began using it to refer to the actual behaviour rather than just the signs it was written on. The French borrowed it back from Spain with this new meaning, and from France it was then adopted into English. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word ‘etiquette’ was first used in English in 1737. By the mid-eighteenth century, etiquette had become established as a word in the English language. With the arrival of the Industrial Revolution, it then grew in importance as increased opportunities for social mobility became available to the public and people wanted to improve themselves.

Relevance of Etiquette Today

Etiquette is sometimes dismissed as a snobbish set of silly rules. Although some people may have degraded it to that, that is not its true nature. The purpose of etiquette is NOT to catch people out! It’s not about judging other people for their social faux pas, but about learning the correct behaviour to help put others at ease. True etiquette and good manners are about the spirit of intention behind them. They act as a social lubricant that can allow you to feel more confident in how to behave, so as to best communicate and interact with other people. Making the effort to act according to etiquette is a way to show respect and appreciation for those around you.

While the underlying spirit of good manners, respect, and kindness are universal, the more specific details of etiquette are culturally defined. As such, behaving with good etiquette is an implicit signal that you either belong to that culture or that you care enough to learn about it. By appearing gracious and graceful as a true lady (or gentleman), you allow bridges to be crossed between people and doors to be opened to new opportunities. Etiquette should be guided by the circumstance in which you find yourself, as it is dependant on the different cultures and levels of formality, however it’s wise to be prepared beforehand with a knowledge of the proper behaviours.

Often these are not things that most of us learn while growing up. Those who are in the know tend to take that knowledge for granted, so it can be difficult for us to learn ourselves. However, I hope that Feminine Finishing School can become a place to gather that information from the obscure corners it’s been hiding in. I have plans to write many blog articles on the overlooked details of etiquette, so I do hope that you will enjoy learning alongside me.