Elegance Advice

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word ‘elegance’ was adopted into English from the Middle French élégance during the Medieval period. By the Tudor period at end of the fifteenth century, it had come to refer to refined manners and courtesy as well as a refined appearance. If we seek to become elegant ladies, it’s good to understand what the term actually means.

‘With reference to appearance, movement, etc.: grace or simple beauty, combined with good taste; freedom from awkwardness, coarseness, or clumsiness; refined tastefulness.’
‘With reference to social conduct: refined propriety; pleasing decorousness; graciousness.’
Oxford English Dictionary

To be elegant means to be both graceful and gracious. It involves the cultivation of good taste, the refinement of manners, and the seeking of harmonious simplicity. True elegance is beautiful and pleasing to those you interact with. It offers social confidence through freedom from awkward or embarrassing behaviours. The idea of elegance seems to be inextricably bound with that of refinement. The Oxford English Dictionary states refinement to be ‘the removing of impurities or unwanted elements by some process, or series of processes.’ This is significant in that it points out that elegance is a journey of self-improvement and education. It’s a process rather than being automatic, and is therefore achievable to us all.

Have Self-Respect

Much of elegant behaviour should flow out of having a healthy sense of dignity and respect for yourself. An elegant lady knows her own worth and won’t put up with people who treat her disrespectfully, although she remains aware of her flaws and has a modest humility as well. She can stand up for herself, when appropriate to do so, and is prepared to communicate her boundaries. She treats herself with respect even when there is no one else to see – meaning she maintains standards as a matter of habit regardless of whether she’s at home alone or out socialising. She takes care to make sure that both she and her home are always presentable during daylight hours, even if she’s not expecting company. She knows that sloppy surroundings inevitably affect her mindset, and an elegant lady wants to set herself up for success.

Be Respectful of Others

Elegance also means behaving in a respectful manner towards other people, even if and especially when she doesn’t deem them to have earned her respect. An elegant lady is kindly, gracious, considerate, polite, and ensures she acts in a way that behoves the true lady she is. She seeks to be genuinely interested in other people and to put their needs first, again when appropriate. She has learnt to judge what behaviour is appropriate for different situations, and chooses to act in a way that is good and proper. An elegant lady leans into etiquette whilst seeking also to transform her heart to be more compassionate and genuinely gracious. She is aware that the words she speaks have an affect on all who hear them, so she strives to only speak that which is true and in a way that is kind, removing any coarse or clumsy language.

Seek Refined Improvement

Elegance involves refinement, and refinement is an ongoing process. An elegant lady keeps her mind active by constantly learning new things to further her journey of self-improvement. This isn’t just a mental journey, but an emotional and spiritual one as well. An elegant lady seeks to fulfil the potential of who she was created to be. By becoming the best version of herself she can become a better blessing to the people in her life.

Learn More

Elegant Eating Etiquette

In my previous blog article, Introduction to Dining Etiquette, I wrote about the basics of table manners and the difference between Continental and American methods of using cutlery. As a follow-up to that, I thought I’d share here some additional tips about Western dining etiquette and how to eat elegantly.

Napkins

You should follow your hostess’ lead as to when to place your napkin on your lap, however this would ideally be as soon as you’ve sat down at the table. It should definitely be before you commence eating, because you don’t want to risk dropping food on your clothes. Traditionally, different sized napkins are used for different meals, with dinner napkins being larger than ones for afternoon tea. When you take your napkin, fold it equally in half along its sides so that it forms a rectangle. Then place it on your lap with the folded edge towards your body. Try to do this quietly under the table, without making a fuss over it or flapping the napkin where people can see. To use your napkin, open the corners by your knees and lift the napkin to delicately dab your lips. Don’t make a big show of scrubbing your mouth. You can then refold your napkin to cover any stains, as they will be inside the folded layers. If you don’t like a mouthful of food it is polite to swallow it anyway, however if you can’t force yourself do that or it contains a bone, then discreetly spit it out into your napkin. Give the impression you are merely dabbing your mouth. You shouldn’t leave the table during dinner, but if you need to then place your napkin on your chair. This is a signal to the waiters that you are coming back. At the end of the meal, gather your napkin together and leave it to the left of your plate on the table.

Bread & Butter

When taking butter from a butter dish, use your butter knife to cut off all you want and place it on the edge of your bread plate. Don’t spread butter straight onto your bread from the butter dish. Instead, tear off one bite size piece of bread at a time with your fingers and butter each piece with your knife to eat individually, using the butter on the side of your plate. This avoids getting crumbs into the butter, which besides looking more aesthetically pleasing is considerate to anyone else sharing that butter dish. This is especially vital if the butter may be shared with someone who is on a gluten free diet. Even if you are not sharing the butter, however, it’s still proper etiquette to act as if you might be and to avoid contaminating it with crumbs.

Soup

When eating soup, your soup spoon should be scooped away from you. This helps to avoid splashes onto clothes, although it’s also a leftover from when soup spoons used to be much larger than they are today. Avoid overfilling your spoon – aim to fill it by about two thirds. Again, this helps avoid spillages. You can remove drips from the bottom of your spoon by gently scraping it against the lip of your soup dish if it has one. If it doesn’t, then just briefly rest your spoon on the surface of your soup to remove drips. Never blow on your soup as that may cause splashes. It is better to instead wait for it to cool on the spoon if it is too hot. Don’t tilt your soup bowl, even to get the last drops, as that is how accidents happen and messes occur. Quietly sip the soup from the edge of your spoon that is closest to you.

Salt & Pepper

Always taste your food first before adding salt or pepper. This indicates that it’s simply a matter of personal preference rather than a case of your not trusting the cook’s judgement. If you are asked to pass either the salt or pepper make sure to always pass them as a pair. The salt and pepper should stay together. Ask someone to pass the salt and pepper to you if you would like them and they’re not within easy reach. Never lean across someone else to get them. When someone has asked for something at the dinner table (in this case salt and pepper), always pass it on to that person first. It would be rude to make them wait by using it first whilst it’s being passed down the table. Because of this, it’s polite and the proper etiquette to ask your neighbour if they would like the salt or pepper first before asking them to pass it to you. And of course, it goes without saying that you should always say the ‘magic words’ of please and thank you.

Spaghetti

Spaghetti notoriously takes no small degree of skill to eat with elegance. You should never twirl it on a spoon or cut it with a knife. Instead, take a small amount of spaghetti between the prongs of your fork. Twirl it clockwise against an empty edge of your plate until you have a neat bite-sized piece you can eat. If your fork picks up too much spaghetti, simply drop it off the fork and try again with a smaller amount. Be considerate to those around you by not slurping or shoving your mouth with too much for you to elegantly manage. Spaghetti can be a tricky food, so it may be wise to practise in private first and, unless you’re confident, possibly to avoid spaghetti altogether on a first date.

Learn More

Everyday Deportment & Posture

‘Bodies… are born beautiful, but it’s the way we stand and sit that misshapes them.’
Clover Stroud

Good posture is important. It means using your body as it was designed to be used. Proper posture is beneficial for your health because it helps to train your body away from distorted positions that could cause issues such as backache later on in life. Aside from the health concerns, posture radically impacts your appearance – both in terms of beauty and as body language. Your posture communicates how you feel about yourself and is arguably the single easiest thing to change to instantly appear more beautiful and more confident. What’s more, it doesn’t need to cost anything.

Traditionally good posture was taught in finishing schools as part of lessons on deportment. They recognised that deportment, or knowing how to move and hold yourself with elegant grace, was subtle yet important in contributing towards success in life. These days we spend so much time hunched over computer or phone screens that many of us seem to have forgotten this. Bad posture has become so normal that sometimes we don’t even recognise what’s wrong. I hope this guide will help.

Head & Neck

Keep your head up and your neck straight, with your ears in line with your shoulders. Look forwards in the direction you are going instead of letting your neck hunch forwards as if you’re constantly bending over a phone screen. Keep your chin up and level, with your head straight. You want neither for your nose to be snootily in the air nor for your head to be bent down in shame. If you rest your index finger vertically against the front of your neck, it will help check your chin is in the correct position. Imagine you are wearing a crown. You want your posture to be regal. Traditionally this has been practised in finishing schools by balancing a book on the head to make sure the head is straight and movements are graceful.

Shoulders & Arms

Roll your shoulders back and down, so that it opens up your chest. Make sure your shoulders aren’t hunched up like they’re trying to curl up in a foetal position. A trick is to check that your thumbs are pointing forwards instead of inwards towards your body, because because that automatically rotates your arms and shoulders back. However, make sure your body is relaxed and your shoulders aren’t stiff or forced into an extreme position.

Spine & Pelvis

Rotate your pelvis under you as if you were tucking your tail bone in. You want to keep your spine straight all the way through your back, from your neck through to your tail bone. Stretch your spine straight as tall as it goes. There should be a natural curve in your spine, but don’t intentionally arch your back (something many women tend to do when trying to improve their posture) because that will only lead to back ache long term as it’s not correct posture.

Stomach

Pull your stomach in and stay relaxed. The idea is not to worry about your weight, but to elongate the front of your body. Hold your body to its full height. You have value and should carry yourself in knowledge of that. Elegant posture doesn’t try to hide and isn’t ashamed to exist.

Legs & Knees

Stand with your weight evenly distributed across both feet. Keep your legs straight but with your knees relaxed. Good posture is neither stiff nor lazy, and should be relaxed yet regal. Deportment is something to practise everyday until it becomes second nature. It may take some time to break old habits, but your long-term health and beauty will benefit greatly from it.