Book Review: The Young Lady’s Friend

The Young Lady’s Friend by Mrs John Farrar, otherwise known as Eliza Ware Farrar, was first published in Boston, America, in 1838. Intended as a coming-of-age guide for middle-class young ladies upon leaving school aged 15-20, the book offers guidance and advice on how they should navigate the new stage of their life in the society of the time.

Eliza Ware Farrar was born in France in 1791. During the French Revolution she left France with her family for England, where she was educated. She later moved to America, where she married her American husband in 1828, who was a professor at Harvard. Eliza Ware Farrar had several children’s books published during the 1830s, however her most important work was The Young Lady’s Friend. This was widely popular in both America and England, reprinted as late as 1880. She died in 1870, aged 78.

A lot of the book’s interest comes from its historic context and learning about the position of young ladies in the culture of the time. Some of the advice given and certain attitudes are very much outdated, showing their cultural context. However, I think there is still value to be taken from other parts of Eliza Ware Farrar’s advice. She encourages her readers to embark upon a life of constant self-improvement, founded in her Christian faith, and promotes intellectual learning alongside practical service and consideration for others. The full text is freely available online and can be read here. Below I’ve shared a selection of quotations that I thought were interesting or helpful.

On Time Management

‘By having regular hours for the different employments of the day, you will avoid the great waste of time, which is occasioned by uncertainty as to what you shall do next.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If the minutes were counted, that are daily spent in idle reverie or idler talk, in thinking of setting about a task that is not relished, and in looking for things that should never have been mislaid, they would soon amount to hours, and prove sufficient to the acquisition of some elegant art, or the study of some useful science.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Never use up a rainy morning in doing a variety of little jobs, and think, because you despatch a great many, you have well bestowed your time; leave small affairs for odd half-hours, and use your uninterrupted morning for something that cannot be done in half-hours.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘As a general rule for living neatly and saving time, it is better to keep clean than to make clean.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Pouring Tea

‘There is more to be learned about pouring out teas and coffee, than most young ladies are willing to believe… I have often seen persons pour out tea, who, not being at all aware that the first cup is the weakest, and that the tea grows stronger as you proceed, have bestowed the poorest cup upon the greatest stranger, and given the strongest to a very young member of the family who would have been better without any. Where several cups of equal strength are wanted, you should pour a little into each, and then go back inverting the order as you fill them up, and then the strength will be apportioned properly.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Hospitality

‘When friends come to see you, uninvited, do the best you can to entertain them well, but make no comment or apology; for that always sounds to your guests like a reproach for taking you unawares.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Nursing

‘Whatever infirmities of temper are betrayed by the sick, consider yourself bound by the charities of your office, as nurse, to bear them patiently, and never to speak of them. The only legitimate use to be made of them is that of learning to avoid similar faults, when you are yourself equally tempted.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Dress

‘A pure taste in dress may be gratified at a small expense; for it does not depend on the costliness of the materials employed, but on the just proportions observed in the forms, and an harmonious arrangement of colours.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘All styles of dress, therefore, which impede the motions of the wearer, which do not sufficiently protect the person, which add unnecessarily to the heat of summer, or to the cold of winter, which do not suit the age and occupations of the wearer, or which indicate an expenditure unsuited to her means, are inappropriate, and therefore destitute of one of the essential elements of beauty.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘The same honesty and self-respect… should prevent your wearing anything, even out of sight, that you would be ashamed to have seen, if sudden indisposition caused it to be exposed before strangers.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If your clothes are washed every week, you only want changes enough to last two weeks; that allows you time to mend your clothes after they come out of the wash.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Filial Behaviour

‘It is to be feared, that some young ladies think themselves excused from the duty of filial reverence, because they are more highly educated than their parents; they have more knowledge, more refinement, and therefore they may dictate, contradict, and set up their judgements in opposition to their fathers’ and mothers’. But this is a great mistake; no superiority of culture can change the relation of child and parent, or annul the duties that grow out of it. The better your education has been, the more cause for gratitude to those who have procured for you this blessing… the more your influence is needed in the family, the more important it is, that you should not impair it,’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘There is besides a great meanness in turning against your parents the weapons which their kindness has put in your hands. The acquirements of their children often make parents feel their own deficiencies very painfully; and nothing but the most respectful behaviour, on the part of the offspring, can lessen the mortification,’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘The sympathy you will so often need from affectionate parents, you must abundantly repay, or you will become selfish and exacting.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If you happen to be alone in your mother’s parlour when a friend of hers enters, who is a stranger to you, you should rise to receive her, as if you were mistress of the house; place a chair for her, and enter conversation with her, till your mother appears, when you may quietly withdraw, unless she so introduces you, as to indicate her wish that you should stay and make the acquaintance.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Brothers

‘The important relation which sisters bear to brothers cannot be fully appreciated, without a greater knowledge of the world and its temptations to young men, than girls in their teens can be supposed to possess; and therefore I would beg you to profit by my experience in this matter, and to believe me when I assure you, that your companionship and influence may be powerful agents in preserving your brothers from dissipation, in saving them from dangerous intimacies, and maintaining in their minds a high standard of female excellence.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If your brothers are younger than you, encourage them to be perfectly confidential with you; win their friendship by your sympathy in all their concerns, and let them see that their interests and their pleasures are liberally provided for in the family arrangements.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If you are so happy as to have elder brothers, you should be equally as assiduous in cultivating their friendship, though the advances must of course be differently made. As they have long been accustomed to treat you as a child, you may meet with some repulses when you aspire to become a companion and friend; but do not be discouraged by this. The earlier maturity of girls, will soon render you their equal in sentiment, if not in knowledge, and your ready sympathy will soon convince them of it. They will be agreeably surprised, when they find their former plaything and messenger become their quick-sighted and intelligent companion, understanding at a glance what is passing in their hearts; and love and confidence on your part will soon be repaid in kind.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘ Brothers and sisters may greatly aid each other in judging of their friends of the opposite sex. Brothers can throw important light on the character and merits of young men, because they see them when acting out their natures before their comrades, and relieved from the restraints of the drawing-room; and you can in return, greatly assist your brothers in coming to wise and just conclusions concerning their female friends.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Family

‘If your heart is right towards God, and you feel that the great business of life is the education of your immortal spirits for eternity, you will easily bear with the infirmities of others, because you will be fully impressed with a sense of your own;’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘It is a mistake to suppose that the nearness of the relationship makes it allowable; the more intimate our connection with any one, the more necessary it is to guard ourselves against taking unwarrantable liberties. For the very reason that you are obliged to be so much together, you should take care to do nothing disagreeable to each other.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of family love; it allays accidental irritation, by preventing harsh retorts or rude contractions; it softens the boisterous, stimulates the indolent, suppresses selfishness, and, by forming a habit of consideration for others, harmonises the whole.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Female Friendships

‘You can always judge better of a person’s character by her manner of talking with others, than what she addresses directly to you, and by what she says of others, than by what she says to them.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Inadvertently betraying the secrets of one friend to another is a cruel injury and a fruitful source of difficulty. Do not suffer yourself to be easily bound to secrecy, for keeping a secret is a very troublesome and disagreeable thing; but, when you are thus pledged, be scrupulously faithful.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Speak of yourself only to your intimate friends, and of them, let the number be very limited and very well chosen.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If you would cultivate refinement of manners, you must never allow yourself to be rude or boisterous with your young companions.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Whilst you strive to bear being laughed at yourself, be very careful how you inflict that pain on others. When a good-humoured laugh has involuntarily been indulged in, at the expense of one of the company, you should always try to say or do something directly after, which shall assure the person laughed at, that she has lost no esteem or regard by being the object of your merriment.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Gossip

‘It is very difficult, and requires all “the wisdom of the serpent and the harmlessness of the dove,” to talk of people, without violating the laws of charity or of truth; it is therefore best to avoid it.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘When you receive your young friends at your own house, you should consider yourself responsible for the direction which the conversation takes; and, if it is becoming uncharitable or unprofitable, you should feel bound to give it a safer and better impulse. The introduction of a beautiful annual, or portfolio of prints and drawings, will often answer the purpose;’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Beware lest you become a meddler, in the vain hope of being a peace-maker.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Remember the liability of a letter to miscarry, to be opened by the wrong person, to be seen by other eyes than those for whom it is meant, and be very careful what you write to the disadvantage of any one.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Behaviour to Gentlemen

‘What a pity it is, that that thousandth chance of a gentleman becoming your lover, should deprive you of the pleasure of a free, unembarrassed, intellectual intercourse with all the single men of your acquaintance! Yet such is too commonly the case with young ladies, who have read a great many novels and romances, and whose heads are always running on love and lovers.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘The less your mind dwells on lovers and matrimony, the more agreeable and profitable will be your intercourse with gentlemen.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Converse always with your female friends, as if a gentleman were of the party, and with young men, as if your female companions were present.’
Anonymous

‘Love, in the heart of a woman, should partake largely of the nature of gratitude; she should love, because she is already loved by one deserving her regard; and if you never allowed yourself to think of gentlemen in the light of lovers or husbands until you were asked to do so, you would escape much suffering.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Refusing Gentlemen

‘The offer of a man’s heart and hand, is the greatest compliment he can pay you, and, however undesirable to you those gifts may be, they should be courteously and kindly declined, and, since a refusal is, to most men, not only a disappointment, but a mortification, it should always be prevented, if possible. Men have various ways of cherishing and declaring their attachment; those who indicate the bias of their feelings in many intelligible ways, before they make a direct offer, can generally be spared the pain of a refusal.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘It is his secret [that you rejected a gentleman], and you have no right to tell it to anyone; but if your parents are your confidential friends on all other occasions, he will not blame you for telling them. Your young female friends should never be allowed to tease or banter you into the betrayal of this secret.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘If, when your own behaviour has been unexceptional, your refusal to marry a man produces resentment, it argues some fault of character in him, and can only be lamented in silence.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Never think the less of a man because he has been refused, even if it be by a lady whom you do not highly value. It is nothing to his disadvantage.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Good Manners

‘If you wish to be a well-bred lady, you must carry your good manners everywhere with you. It is not a thing that can be laid aside and put on at pleasure… When you try to assume it for some special purpose, it will sit awkwardly upon you, and often fail you, at your utmost need.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘It [proper etiquette] is a trifle, compared to the more serious business of life, but still, even these trifles mark a defect of character.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘All unmeaning and unnecessary movements are contrary to the rules of grace and good-breeding. When not intentionally in motion, your body and limbs should be in perfect rest.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Your enjoyment of a party depends far less on what you find there, than on what you carry with you.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

On Conversation

‘The frequent use of some favourite word or phrase, is a common defect in conversation, and can only be guarded against by asking your friends to point it out to you, whenever they observe such a habit; for your own ear, having become accustomed to it, may not detect it.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Good conversation is one of the highest attainments of civilised society. It is the readiest way in which gifted minds exert their influence, and as such, is worthy of all consideration and cultivation.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

‘Some persons seem to forget that mere talking is not conversing; that it requires two to make a conversation, and that each must be, in turn, a listener; but no one can be an agreeable companion, who is not as willing to listen as to talk.’
Eliza Ware Farrar

Book Review: Debrett's Etiquette for Girls

‘Beyond being true to oneself, many of one’s social obligations are met simply by making others feel at ease… A ready smile is an easy and excellent first defence in almost all awkward situations.’
Fleur Britton

Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls by Fleur Britton was first printed in London in 2006. Published under the long-standing name of Debrett’s, it was an attempt by the organisation (best known for their listing of Peerage and Baronetage since 1769) to rebrand themselves for the twenty-first century, and is a more controversial etiquette book. Aimed at young women aged 16-30, Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls garnered interest outside that demographic as well. It feels noticeably different to the other two etiquette books I’ve reviewed recently. Rather than putting an emphasis on cultivating the inner qualities of politeness, etiquette is presented as an arguably shallower set of social skills that can help the reader get ahead in life. Parts of Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls reflect the changing morals of Western society – certain chapters would have been unthinkable just a few decades earlier.

The book has large glossy photos that depict glamorous yet elusive ‘girls about town’ – never quite showing their eyes or whole faces, and offering only glimpses of a lifestyle. These are coupled with long paragraphs of small text. Topics discussed include: social graces, image management, dining (including how to eat fancy seafood and handle fine wines), day to night events (ranging from formal dinners to night clubs and the gym), special occasions (from polo matches, yachts, and private jets to festivals, hotels, and meeting royalty or celebrities), ‘Man Management’ (the largest chapter in the book – which advises on meeting the parents and engagements as well as blind dates and one-night stands), hospitality (whether country guests, drinks parties, or flatmates), face to face interactions, written communications, gossip, ‘bitchiness’, office politics, and some ‘Golden Rules’ of etiquette.

As can be seen by listing some of the topics, Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls is a thoroughly modern etiquette book in ways both good and bad, depending on your opinions. It’s focus is on aspiring to a specific lifestyle of high society glamour, and is clearly aimed at relatively well-to-do city girls who want office careers, enjoy partying, and have no problem with society’s casual attitude to dating. Just to make it clear, I’m not making a value judgement either way on that. I’m just noting the contrast to other etiquette books. Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls exists within a twenty-first-century realm of visual merchandising and personal brands. There are definitely things I’m taking from the book, but I think it’s important to keep a critical distance and remember that the lifestyle it’s trying to sell does not have to be the ultimate dream for everyone. What I do appreciate is that the book is at least conscious of the double-standards girls must negotiate in the modern day. There is uncertainty while the rules are changing in the midst of tensions about misogyny, feminism, chivalry, and an equality that still has its limitations. Because of this, Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls calls itself ‘a modern survival manual’ and claims that ‘etiquette has re-entered the zeitgeist.’

‘Manners make life more bearable. They are there to conceal our selfish, childish instincts.’
Fleur Britton

Book Review: The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette & Manual of Politeness

‘Politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice.’
Florence Hartley

The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness. A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society was written by Florence Hartley, an American lady of the mid-Victorian period. It was first published in Boston in 1860, and is now freely available online to the public. An equivalent book of etiquette for gentlemen was published in the same year by a Cecil B Hartley, who I suppose to have been some male relation of Florence Hartley. Besides etiquette, Florence Hartley also wrote on needlework and was an advocate for women’s health. Her books received favourable reviews during her own time, but little is known about her life.

Since it is Victorian, some parts of Florence Hartley’s book are naturally dated – for instance the constant requirement for an escort or chaperone, the suspicion of servants, the formality of bowing in greeting, and the abundance of socialising hours available to the Victorian lady of leisure. Despite this, there’s much advice that is still relevant today. The underlying principles of good manners are universal, carrying across into all cultural contexts, even though the specific behaviour of etiquette manifests differently. Florence Hartley’s discussion of ‘true Christian politeness’ for ladies explores a range of topics including: conversation, dress, travelling, hospitality, visiting, letter writing, deportment, conduct in church, social events, accomplishments, servants, engagements, and weddings.

I appreciate quirky old books, and so personally find the historic material as interesting as the etiquette still applicable today. For Florence Hartley, etiquette seems to be most exemplified in hospitality and therefore this is a large focus in the book, with information for both hostess and guest. She included a considerable chapter on accomplishments, where in addition to the usual accomplishments she promotes conversational skills, horse riding, and gives detailed instructions on needlework. Besides working on such accomplishments, ladies were advised to walk four or five miles a day, and the visiting hours of Victorian society tended to be between 11am and 3pm. Since The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness is no longer under copyright restrictions, I have taken advantage of that by sharing a liberal selection of quotations below, along with a link to the free audiobook.

On Politeness & Etiquette

‘To be truly polite, remember, you must be polite at all times and under all circumstances.’
Florence Hartley

‘True politeness will be found – its basis in the human heart – the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.’
Florence Hartley

‘If you neglect these little details at home, and in private, they will be performed awkwardly and with an air of restraint when you are in company. By making them habitual, they will become natural and appear easily, and sit gracefully upon you.’
Florence Hartley

On Conversation

‘To be able to converse really well, you must read much. Treasure in your memory the pearls of what you read. You must have a quick comprehension. Observe passing events and listen attentively whenever there is any opportunity of acquiring knowledge.’
Florence Hartley

‘You may unintentionally start a subject which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you may be conversing; in that case do not stop abruptly when you perceive that it causes pain, and above all do not make the matter worse by apologising. Turn to another subject as soon as possible and pay no attention to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have excited.’
Florence Hartley

‘One good rule can be always followed by young ladies: to converse with a lady friend as if there were gentlemen present, and to converse with a gentleman as if in the room with other ladies.’
Florence Hartley

On Invitations & Hospitality

‘The severest test of good breeding in a lady is in the position of hostess.’
Florence Hartley

‘As a first rule, with regards to paying a visit, the best one is never to accept a general invitation. Instances are very common where women – I cannot say ladies – have upon a slight acquaintance and a “when you are in C, I should be very happy to have you visit me,” actually gone to C from their own home and, with bag and baggage, quartered themselves upon the hospitality of their newly made friend for weeks at a time. Even where there is a long-standing friendship, it is not well to visit uninvited.’
Florence Hartley

‘Your enjoyment of a party depends far less on what you find there than on what you carry with you… If you go to C, and to here, and to make the best of whatever occurs, with a disposition to admire all that is beautiful and to sympathise in the pleasures of others, you can hardly fail to spend the time pleasantly. The less you think of yourself and your claims to attention the better. If you are much attended to, receive it modestly and consider it as a happy accident. If you are little noticed, use your leisure in observing others.’
Florence Hartley

On Gracious Dignity

‘Leave him to think that the ladies in America [or whatever country you are from] are well-bred, however much he may dislike some little national peculiarity.’
Florence Hartley

‘If you receive an impertinent letter, treat it with contempt. Do not answer it.’
Florence Hartley

On Accomplishments

‘Take the young lady, after a solid basis has been laid in her mind of the more important branches of education, and rear upon that basis the structure of lighter education: the accomplishments. To cultivate these, disregarding the more solid information, is to build your castle without any solid foundation and is not only absurd, but unsteady.’
Florence Hartley

‘First upon the list of accomplishments comes the art of conversing well. It is always ready. Circumstances in society will constantly throw you into positions where you can use no other accomplishment.’
Florence Hartley

Learn More

Chapter timestamps:
Introduction – 00:00:30
Chapter 1: Conversation – 00:08:00
Chapter 2: Dress – 00:28:20
Chapter 3: Travelling – 00:58:40
Chapter 4: How to Behave at a Hotel – 01:10:17
Chapter 5: Evening Parties, Etiquette for the Hostess – 01:17:58
Chapter 6: Evening Parties, Etiquette for the Guest – 01:37:50
Chapter 7: Visiting, Etiquette for the Hostess – 01:48:19
Chapter 8: Visiting, Etiquette for the Guest – 02:00:30
Chapter 9: Morning Receptions or Calls, Etiquette for the Hostess – 02:21:06
Chapter 10: Morning Receptions or Calls, Etiquette for the Guest – 02:30:57
Chapter 11: Dinner Company, Etiquette for the Hostess – 02:44:38
Chapter 12: Dinner Company, Etiquette for the Guest – 03:06:05
Chapter 13: Table Etiquette – 03:23:32
Chapter 14: Conduct in the Street – 03:31:23
Chapter 15: Letter Writing – 03:46:35
Chapter 16: Polite Deportment and Good Habits – 04:44:00
Chapter 17: Conduct in Church – 05:13:10
Chapter 18: Ballroom Etiquette, For the Hostess – 05:20:25
Chapter 19: Ballroom Etiquette, For the Guest – 05:35:54
Chapter 20: Places of Amusement – 05:47:57
Chapter 21, Part 1: Accomplishments – 05:59:45
Chapter 21, Part 2: Accomplishments – 06:49:03
Chapter 21, Part 3: Accomplishments – 07:28:38
Chapter 22: Servants – 08:07:47
Chapter 23: On a Young Lady’s Conduct When Contemplating Marriage – 08:35:50
Chapter 24: Bridal Etiquette – 09:14:49
Chapter 25: Hints on Health – 09:23:40
Chapter 26: Miscellaneous – 10:11:53