How To Develop Valuable Friendships

We all long for friends, and not just for friends but for deep meaningful connections that make us feel seen. It’s part of being human and something that we all desperately need. Chances are, if you’re reading this blog article you want to improve your social life and find those valuable friendships. It’s perfectly within your reach, but don’t be deluded by the Instagram ‘friendship goals’ aesthetics. Nobody just becomes instant BFFs – it takes time and commitment to develop a friendship. But what are the stages in that process? I find structured frameworks helpful, so I thought I would share the friendship stages that I’ve identified. Being able to assess a relationship can help you to know how to grow it to the next level. As a general guide, women and girls tend to bond primarily by talking together, whereas men and boys tend to bond primarily by doing things together. Friendships need an approximate ratio of five positive experiences for every more demanding experience, so make sure you’re giving as well as taking.

1 Stranger

Strangers form most of the population. They are all the people you don’t know and many of us run across them on a daily basis. You may know the names of some strangers, for example celebrities or politicians, but there is no reciprocal relationship. Most strangers will stay strangers – there’s 7.7 billion people in the world after all! – but some of them are potential friends just waiting to be met.

2 Acquaintance

Acquaintances make up most of the people we interact with. They are those that we recognise and know by name but don’t know well enough to have any emotional relationship with. The anthropologist Robin Dunbar has proposed what is known as ‘Dunbar’s number’ – that the human brain can comfortably maintain about 150 stable relationships at any one time. The actual number can range between 100 and 250, with 150 being an average for most people. Historically this was the number of people that was typically found in a village or community. The idea is that there is a limitation to the number of people that humans can maintain social contact with.

3 Friendly Acquaintance

Friendly acquaintances aren’t quite friends but are more than neutral acquaintances. These are the people you would say hello to and perhaps have small talk with if you met them. If all of your friendships at higher levels are fully developed, Dunbar’s number suggests that about 80 people out of the 150 would remain at this level. As a general guide, you usually need meet up with someone six to eight times before you begin to feel like friends – which is what a friendly acquaintance is. You feel friendly towards each other but aren’t fully friends yet.

4 Casual Friend

Casual friends are those you enjoy hanging out with and perhaps are in a shared group with. You enjoy each other’s company and have fun together, but you don’t tend to share your deepest vulnerabilities and probably wouldn’t go to them in a time of need. Casual friendships are usually based on common interests or shared circumstances. If the 150 people of Dunbar’s Number are your ‘tribe’, then the up to 50 people who form your casual friends are the equivalent of your ‘clan’. It takes around 50 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

5 Good Friend

Good friends are people you know well. You can have fun together but have also developed a significant amount of trust. This is your second closest circle of friends and is made up of not more than 15 people. Good friends usually take up about a quarter of your total social time, which is about 1.7% of your social time per person. On average it can be expected to take 100 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

6 Close Friend

Close friends form your inner circle and are your go-to friends for most difficult situations. These are people whom you really love, trust, and know very well. Most people can only maintain up to five close friends, or four if they’re in a romantic relationship. This inner circle of close friends takes up about half of your total social time, meaning you spend 10% of your social time with each, or 20% for a romantic partner. Because these people are so close and you spend a lot of time with them, they are highly influential and will shape who you become. It’s not for nothing that there’s a saying that you’re the sum of the five people closest to you. Be friendly to everyone, but don’t let just anyone into this inner circle. As a guide, it takes approximately 200 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

7 Best Friend

Best friends are included within the four or five people of your inner circle, but are the one or perhaps two of them that you feel closest to of all. For example, if you were to get married, your close friends would be those who you’d probably choose as bridesmaids whereas your best friend would be the one you’d single out to be your maid of honour. If you’re in a healthy, committed, long-term romantic relationship then your partner would most likely be equivalent to the best friend level as well.

8 Old Friend

Old friends are almost in a category of their own, which can make them difficult to place. We all change and our friendships change throughout life. Some people we stay close with or in contact to, whilst other people fade out of our lives or drift into its fringes. Old friends perhaps used to be a close friend or even best friend but are no longer. They may now be more on the friendly acquaintance level or not even in your life at all, but they still hold the remnant and memory of what used to be. Perhaps you feel nostalgic about their friendship sometimes, or maybe sad. Either way they hold the sense of something past rather than something with unknown promise, which separates them from other people at the same friendship level as them. Old friends once knew you well and may know things about you that no one else does, but they no longer have that closeness or intimacy that they once did. Sometimes old friendships can be revived; other times you just have to learn to let them go and seek new friends elsewhere.

Hard Lessons About Friendship

Friendship is difficult. There, I’ve said it. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable to complain about the difficulties with romantic relationships and boyfriends – but not about friendships. We’re expected to have friends. To admit otherwise feels like it would be publicly branding ourselves as a loser and a ‘Larry loner’, as people used to say at school. And if we admit to having no friends, we feel like we come across as desperate and no one else would want to be our friend.

This is perhaps especially true for girls and women because growing up we get taught to romanticise the idea of being Best Friends Forever. We were supposed to gossip and share secrets at sleepovers, to declare our affection by exchanging friendship bracelets. Sometimes that works, but other times it doesn’t. And often when we do find that, it doesn’t last.

My intention in writing this is to encourage those out there who feel alone. You’re not alone. Life is hard, and all human relationships can be difficult. Society today is increasingly connected and yet disconnected. It’s now considered normal to be sitting with a group of ‘friends’ whilst they’re all staring at their phones instead of talking to the person right beside them. Even when you put in the effort to meet lots of new people and become part of a community, you can still be amongst them and feel completely invisible. What I want to say is, yes it is hard. It’s ok if it hurts sometimes. You’re ok, and you will find your tribe eventually. Hold on to faith and keep trying. Those good friends will come.

1 It Takes Time

It takes time to develop good friendships and it’s a process you’ll have to see through. Unfortunately, instant friends don’t exist and you’ll have to spend plenty of time with people before a lasting relationship will develop.

2 It Doesn’t Just Happen

Friendships take work and effort. They don’t happen automatically and just spending time with someone doesn’t guarantee friendship. It’s even possible to live with people for a significant amount of time without becoming more than acquaintances. You have to be proactive.

3 Friendships Grow From Fun

When you feel lonely, it’s natural to want to feel seen and understood. You’re like a book that wants to be read, but not everyone deserves to read you. Someone doesn’t need to know every detail about you in order to become friends. Just have fun together and vulnerability can follow later.

4 Avoid Oversharing

Be aware that oversharing will only create a false sense of closeness too early that will likely leave you disappointed. It’s important to share what you’re going through with people, but make sure that the depth of vulnerability matches the depth of the relationship.

5 Best Friends Forever?

As children we romanticised the idea of having BFFs. Friendships can and do last through different stages of life, but life is more complicated and challenging than we understood at that age. Sometimes it lets us down and sometimes people drift apart. In reality, best friends rarely last forever. Most (though not all) friends are only for a season and that’s ok.

6 Make Memories

Even if the majority of the people we encounter are only temporary, that doesn’t decrease the value of friendships and human interactions. Create and treasure memories that will carry you through different seasons of life. They are precious in their transience.

7 Learn From Everyone

You can learn something from everyone, no matter how similar or different they are to you. Some people may just be a cameo in your life but they can change the course of the rest of your life. Stay open minded. Equally, you may just be passing through someone else’s life, so make sure you leave a positive impact. You’ll never know where that could lead.

8 Sisters Before Misters?

For all the pithy sayings such as ‘sisters before misters’ and ‘mates before dates’, they don’t always carry out in real life. When someone gets in a romantic relationship it’s normal for them to disappear into the ‘boyfriend vortex’ for a honeymoon period, but they should then find balance and have time again. If someone lets a boyfriend change a friendship, even after you tell them how you feel, then there’s nothing you can do. You can still be friends but might have to find other friends as well.

9 Rejection Is Real

The harsh truth is that not everyone is looking for more friends. Sometimes they won’t care, or might be happy just as acquaintances. Allow yourself to feel disappointment at rejection but don’t take it too personally. Look for the people who are also in want of new friends.

10 Expectations Hurt

When searching for friendship, your expectations will hurt you more than other people’s actions. Have your hopes but remember that is what they are – hopes. Not everyone has the same goals or perspectives, so do good without expecting anything in return.

11 Not All Friends Are Equal

There are different types and levels of friendships, as well as different types of loneliness. All stages of friendship are worthy of being treasured, yet don’t give up in pursuit of the type of friends you need.

12 Seasons of Loneliness

Accept there may be seasons of loneliness in your life. I find it helpful to think of life as a series of seasons. Life is an organic, forever-changing process that will lead you where you are meant to be eventually, if only you hold onto faith and keep trying. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is to ‘keep showing up’. No season lasts forever and you will find your tribe.

I know that not everyone who reads this will be Christian and I don’t mean to force my faith on anyone, but I truly believe that God loves YOU, regardless of who you are or what you’ve done, and regardless of whether you even believe in Him or not. You are God’s beloved child and He knows you completely, in all your strengths and weaknesses and humanity. He is more gentle and more kind than we can even comprehend, and wants to have a relationship with you – if only you will invite Him into your life.

I just want to offer the encouragement that God has worked through some of the most challenging, lonely seasons of my life to lead me where I believe He wants me to be. I’m not completely out the other side yet, but I’m so grateful for what He’s done so far. And I trust that my close-knit ‘tribe’ will come in time.

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The Three Human Motivations

‘Human behaviour is complicated; human motivation is simple.’ So says Larry C Rosen in his TEDx talk, which I will link below. There’s much truth in the statement, and in his talk Rosen proposes what he thinks the three underlying human motivations are. I think it’s important to learn to understand others better if we want to become better women, or even just better people, so I wanted to share the ideas here.

Yet, I couldn’t help thinking why? Why are these three motives behind every human decision? Each is somewhat simplified and boiled down to include a range of different needs, but the three key motives still stand. I decided to give my own twist on it instead of simply sharing someone else’s ideas, and that involved turning to the Bible. I was curious to see whether I could find these three motives in the creation story of humans. The short answer is yes, I did. These motives may be manifested in healthy or unhealthy ways, yet when they are healthy they tap into what God made us humans to be. When these core motivations manifest in unhealthy ways (as, unfortunately, they all too often do) they indicate a distorted corruption of what we were made to be and we need to be aware of that.

I started this post intending it to be about psychology and understanding people better, yet in the process of planning it seems to have turned in part into a mini Bible study. I guess the Bible just has a lot to say about our human condition. God knows us best. Anyway, let’s get to the point. The three core human motives are: physical, relational, and aspirational.

Motive One: Physical

‘And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.’
Genesis 2:7

The Bible says that, as humans, we are made of earth and spirit combined. We are physical as well as spiritual beings, and as such we have physical needs. These can be seen in the physiological needs and safety needs at the foundation of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the physical need for sustenance, health, a pain-free environment, rest, exercise, safety, and security. If we don’t have those, we will be motivated to gain them however we can.

Motive Two: Relational

‘And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’
Genesis 2:18

Humans are social creatures and pack animals. We are not meant to be alone, hence why God created Adam and Eve for each other. When we feel alone or isolated we will eventually be driven to change that, which can be a great thing when pursued in a healthy way – but unfortunately humans aren’t always healthy. This requirement is seen in the belonging and love needs and the esteem needs that form the middle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the relational need for love, empathy, community, friendships, intimacy, respect, and appreciation.

Motive Three: Aspirational

‘And the LORD God took the man, and put him in the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.’
Genesis 2:15

It’s significant that one of the first things God did with His newly created humans was to give them a purpose. We were made in the image of God to become His partners in creating an even better world, and as such have an inner urge to explore. This is represented in the self-actualisation needs at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the aspirational need for creativity, curiosity, autonomy, meaning, purpose, and the achieving of our potential. This has been the motivation for many of the incredible discoveries and advancements that has led humanity to where we are today, however it has also been corrupted at times and led to the invention of terrible things as well.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

The thing is find interesting about this way of summarising human motivations is that it emphasises how all human actions originate from natural needs. It’s only in the way that those motives manifest that they sometimes get corrupted and become problematic. No matter how good or bad someone is, they are still human. That doesn’t make bad behaviour excusable – choice is a powerful responsibility we all have – but thinking this way helps to promote empathy. Kind or evil behaviour, though drastically different, can come from the same motive and are really just two sides of the same coin. Being aware of this should help us guard against our own choices to make sure we choose what is right, good, true, and kind, because the possibility of corruption is never far away. We have the power to choose what is right over what is easy.

Category: Friendship