What is an Accomplished Lady?

If you’ve been following Feminine Finishing School for a while, you might have noticed that I like to find out the history behind things – such as the history of etiquette or the history of French style. Something I find very interesting is finding out about the history of female education. The ideals held up for women and what they were taught to value is revealing of women’s roles in their societies. It was only in 1880 that education became a legal requirement for all girls and boys aged five to ten in England and Wales. All societies have to educate their young in some way however, whether that involves formal schooling or not. For well-to-do Georgian women such as those of Jane Austen’s generation, the goal was to become an ‘accomplished lady’ capable of attracting an eligible suitor. Yet even with that end purpose, considerable change can be seen in what it meant to be accomplished.

Early Girls’ Boarding Schools

‘I think that learning to write, read, sew, dance, sing, and play on some musical Instrument comprizes [sic] the whole of what is intended by modern Boarding-School Education, unless you will take the Art of Cookery into the account;’
A Letter to A Lady, Concerning the Education of Female Youth. (1749)

As early as in 1749 there were debates over the purpose of female education and what it meant to be an accomplished lady. It seemed to have been taken for granted that middle-class young ladies at least should receive some form of education, but there were disagreements over what form that should take.

Mid-Eighteenth-Century Education

A Letter to A Lady describes girls as commonly being taught the skills listed in the quotation above. Reading and writing offered a basic education with the ability to communicate, which was especially important in the days of letter writing. Sewing was a practical skill required before industrialisation or fast fashion, as well as allowing artistic accomplishments with decorative embroidery. Dancing, singing, and playing a musical instrument were important social skills in the eighteenth century as many social gatherings among the middle classes revolved around those activities. Cookery is essential to life itself as we all need to eat, however it was sidelined behind the other skills because people of those socio-economic circles generally had servants of some kind. Neither the anonymous male writer nor the anonymous lady he was writing to objected to the teaching of these accomplishments, but they both thought it was too limited.

Alternative Educational Ideas

If A Letter to A Lady is to be believed, this common education of the time influenced young women to be simply petty and pretty. They were taught superficial accomplishments and allowed to remain foolish. This led to unhelpful idle gossip and an obsession with external appearance alone, lacking either developed character or intellect. The lady and male writer differed in how they thought girls should be educated however. The lady appears to have been an early feminist. She thought that girls should be given an academic education more equal to that of men, which would give them knowledge and develop an intellectual curiosity. The male writer, on the other hand, believed that such an education would be a waste and that young ladies should instead be prepared for the roles they were expected to play – those of wife, mistress of the household, and mother. Some of the comments the male writer makes are comically dated, but I can also see how they were a product of the mid-eighteenth-century society of the time.

Jane Austen’s Accomplished Lady

‘ “It is amazing to me,” said Bingley, “how young ladies have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are.”
“All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?”
“Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time without being informed that she was very accomplished.”
“Your list of the common extent of accomplishments,” said Darcy, “has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse, or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”
“Nor I, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley.
“Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”
“Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it.”
“Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.”
“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”
“I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.” ‘
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

I find it interesting to compare what was considered an accomplished lady in 1749 and in 1813 during Jane Austen’s time. Just the short passage above shows that many of the same themes had been continued, yet that the idea of an accomplished lady had also been expanded. Jane Austen needs to be taken with a pinch of salt as the passage displays her typical humour. She’s poking fun at the high standards that were idealised for women, saying she doesn’t know anyone who is all those things, but it also gives insight on the typical views of the time.

Early-Nineteenth-Century Education

Like the girls’ boarding schools in A Letter to A Lady, Mr Bingley and much of Regency society had rather superficial ideas of what constituted an accomplished lady. All they were required to do was paint picture tables, cover decorative fire screens, and make net purses. These were essentially all creative skills or ‘fancy work’, as opposed to the less decorative ‘plain work’ that was practical sewing and mending. Miss Bingley adds drawing to this list, as well as the dancing, singing, and music that were required for social gatherings.

Additional Accomplishments

It’s the additional accomplishments, however, that stand out. Being a truly accomplished lady in 1813 was evidently much more of a challenge that it had been in 1749! Ladies were expected to have a ‘thorough knowledge’ of ‘all’ the fashionable modern languages. This most likely meant French, German, and Italian. It excluded the academic classical languages of Greek and Latin that were studied by the gentlemen, yet to be competent in three foreign languages requires a lot of study and perseverance. Even today, to be able to speak that many languages is a very impressive accomplishment!

Even with all these skills and achievements, a lady was not yet truly accomplished. She needed to cultivate something more intangible with an elegant manner and presence – something that could be called the je ne sais quoi element. A truly accomplished lady had developed poise, grace, and a sense of presence. She understood etiquette and was well practised in her social skills.

A Question of Character

In the passage from Pride and Prejudice three characters understand different levels of accomplishment. Mr Bingley is easy-going and easily pleased, so is content with an elementary level of accomplishment. Miss Bingley is more critical and raises the standard to a more intermediate level. She remains rather superficial however, focused on external appearances. Mr Darcy cares about the inner mind as well, and so describes a more advanced level of accomplishment. He adds that a truly accomplished lady also has ‘something more substantial’ and is interested in ‘the improvement of her mind’. She must be well-read and capable of interesting conversation, because this demonstrates something about her character. An accomplished lady knows there is always more to learn. She has a love of learning and a desire to improve herself.

Something they all miss though, whilst focused on skills and mannerisms and intellect, is the state of the lady’s heart. A true lady is kind-hearted and caring, respectful of others, compassionate, aware of her own flaws, gracious and polite, has an inner peace, and is strong in her integrity. A kind heart and strong values are more important than all the accomplishments of the world.

Feminine Accomplishment Themes

Whilst I’ve been pondering over the skills that were traditionally required of an accomplished lady, I’ve noticed some common themes that they can be categorised into. As Elizabeth Bennet pointed out at the end of the Pride and Prejudice passage above, few women have achieved all these accomplishments and they do not define a woman’s worth. I find in interesting however to see the underlying themes.

The traditional skills of an accomplished lady are:

Practical skills: sewing, cooking, baking, household management; and nowadays also finances, paperwork, driving, adult responsibilities in general.
Creative skills: drawing, painting, embroidery, dressmaking, knitting, flower arranging; a hobby and interest of your own.
Music & singing: historically the piano was popular, nowadays it may be any instrument, and of course the voice is near universal.
Dancing: during the Georgian period this meant English country dancing, during the Victorian period it shifted to ballroom dancing, nowadays this could be any elegant style of dance such as ballet or a traditional folk dance.
Languages: historically French has been the most popular second language in Britain, although the Victorians favoured German; needless to say nowadays it could be any language of your choice and it’s perhaps best to choose one that you will be most likely to have occasion to use.
Poise & grooming: deportment, grace, radiance, style, beauty, clarity of communication, historically this included elocution.
Etiquette & entertaining: the etiquette of your own country and culture, as well as international cultural differences in etiquette, hostess skills.
Social skills: social confidence, conversation, body language awareness, understanding of social interactions and psychology, friendships, relationships, people skills.
Education & culture: good general knowledge, current events, the arts and sciences, well-read, capable of interesting and intelligent conversations, love of learning, desire to improve self.
Kindness of heart: the inner core that gives good intentions to all other accomplishments, compassion, respect, integrity, character, unselfish wish to help others, altruism, desire to continually grow into a better person, the most important element, all other accomplishments are simply a means to an end.

New Year’s Resolutions That Last

When I was at college, we had a term during which we were supposed to learn about SMART goals and planning for the future. At the time, the general consensus among us students was that it was a waste of our time. It didn’t count towards our marks and as we had exams approaching, we wanted to focus on studying for them instead. Eventually the college agreed and let us drop it to prioritise our exam preparation, but as I’ve been thinking about New Year’s resolutions recently the idea of SMART goals has come back to me.

New Year’s resolutions are fun to make at the beginning of the year, but they’ve also become a bit of a joke. Very few people seem to stick by them through the whole year. Perseverance, complacency, and self-discipline are part of the problem. Yet perhaps another part is that we’re not making the right resolutions? As I think back on my New Year’s resolution for the past year, I find that I don’t know if I’ve achieved it or not. In hindsight, it was a very vague wish. It’s difficult to tell how I would even measure success or failure. I’ve made progress and learnt many things in the past year; yet was that proactive growth or simply the passage of time?

Life is short. We only have so much time on earth and we have a responsibility to make the most of the opportunity we’ve been given. God willing, I’ve been gifted another year, so I want to use it for His glory. What that will look like, I don’t know yet, but being intentional in setting positive New Year’s resolutions is the best way to start the year off on a good foot. This year I’m going to make my New Year’s resolutions SMART goals so that I have a clear path in sight to some more tangible progress by the end of the year.

Specific

SMART goals is an acronym and the first letter stands for Specific. This means making it clear exactly what you’re setting out to accomplish. Rather than having some vague, woolly idea, narrow it down to a specific goal you can focus on. The journey is more important than your destination and you should try to enjoy each step throughout the next year, yet make sure that you do have a final destination in sight. Be clear what a definite marker of success would look like at the end of the year.

Measurable

The M in SMART stands for Measurable. This means that you’re able to track your progress throughout the year and measure how far you’ve come. Break your New Year’s resolution down into smaller and more manageable steps that you can actively complete. Successfully completing one of these steps will let you see the progress you’ve made and act as motivation. Having a plan will help you check in and make sure you’re still on track with your yearly goal.

Achievable

A key part of SMART goals is that they must be Achievable. Don’t pick something that would be impossible for you to achieve within the next year. The whole point of New Year’s resolutions is that they should be realistic yet challenging. Don’t overload yourself. Only make a manageable number of New Year’s resolutions – I would advise not more than three. Goals should help you get where you want to be and enjoy the journey, not make everything perfect overnight. Know how much you can handle. There’s no pressure to be perfect.

Relevant

The driving force of SMART goals is that they must be Relevant. Choose a New Year’s resolution that you find personally relevant and that is meaningful to your true self. Don’t just choose a certain goal because society says you should. If you do you’re more likely to lose interest and not keep the resolution. Be clear on your motive. Know why you want to achieve it and why you’re willing to work for it. Having a New Year’s resolution that’s positive and has strong personal relevance will help you maintain it throughout the year. Write down what your resolution is and why it matters to you, so that it will feel more permanent. Share your goals with a friend or family member. They can help keep you accountable, offer encouragement, and remind you why you chose that resolution.

Time-Bound

Finally, the T in the SMART goals acronym stands for Time-bound. The good thing about New Year’s resolutions is that they automatically have this because they’re built around a time limit of one year. However, it’s also important to think about reviewing your progress throughout the year and considering what steps you’ll need to have taken by what month in order to stay on target for achieving your goal.

I hope that you’ll find these tips helpful in setting your New Year’s resolutions. Ultimately, however, the key to resolutions is the resolve. You’ll need willpower to stick to it and sometimes you’ll just have to make the decision to do so simply because you committed to that goal. You won’t always feel as motivated as you do now at the beginning of the year, but if your New Year’s resolution is worth making then it’s worth keeping. By feeding good habits it will become easier. I’ve linked a video below that talks about the power of habits and it gives what I think is a very helpful, motivating allegory. I’d recommend that you watch it.

Happy New Year and best of luck for your New Year’s resolutions! You can do this!

Learn More

German Style Secrets

Germany isn’t known for being a centre of fashion in the way that France and Italy are, yet it still has its own distinct style. I find it interesting to use style as a lens through which to look at a culture. What is sought for in beauty reveals something about the underlying values shaping that culture. A generalisation, maybe, but starting with stereotypes can lead to more subtlety later.

Previously a collection of many small kingdoms and dukedoms, Germany wasn’t united as a single country until 1871. Later divided again in the aftermath of the Second World War, it was once more reunified with the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. It was a decade later around the year 2000 that Berlin began to establish itself in the international fashion scene, and the Berlin Fashion Week was first held in 2007. Germany’s history had caused many setbacks to its fashion development. For example, when the Nazis had been in power they had destroyed many clothing stores because most of those had been run by Jewish people. This had long-term implications for German fashion, which its industry is still trying to recover from.

Nowadays German style is relaxed and casual, yet also well put together. They have plain good style, and tend to be practical with no fuss to get things done efficiently. German style puts an emphasis on being honest, minimalist, authentic, and natural.

‘Berlin’s entire creative fashion industry, once so heavily Jewish-dominated, was destroyed. The effects of that destruction remain to this day, more than 70 years later. In trying to resume its place at the pinnacle of the fashion world, Berlin design companies are now struggling to find new talent.’
Dina Gold

German women tend to wear more natural, earthy, sober colours. Colours such as brown, khaki, black, and grey are popular. They usually don’t strive to stand out. The Germans are egalitarian and strongly value their privacy, so they tend to be more reserved than other cultures. When they do use other colours, they prefer softer natural shades rather than very bright ones.

German style focuses on functional quality with plain good style and elegant lines. Their outfits are well-put-together and organised, yet very relaxed and casual. German style is practical, comfortable, and simple, with attention paid to being thrifty and sustainable. High-waisted jeans are common as are other pragmatic pieces such as trainers.

Layers are popular in winter, combining different textures whilst keeping warm. Quality leather boots and big scarves are also widely seen.

If you want to dress like a German woman or blend in like a local whilst visiting Germany, three words to bear in mind are: practical, earthy, relaxed.

Learn More

Italian Style Secrets

Italian fashion gained influence and popularity among powerful families across Europe during the Renaissance of the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. The Renaissance originated in Italy and marked a transition from the Middle Ages to the modern period in Europe. Italian fashion during this era took pride in being extravagant and expensive, but then declined in the seventeenth century when French fashion became more popular.

Italy was united as a single country in 1861 and the influences of culture, art, history, and fashion contributed towards the building of a united national identity. The Italian fashion scene was influenced by modern designers such as Prada in 1913, Gucci in 1921, Armani in 1975, Versace in 1978, and Dolce & Gabbana in 1985. These high status brands became popular among those who could afford them, especially celebrities, but they also influenced Italian style in general. After the Second World War, Italian style regained worldwide popularity during the 1950s and 1960s, and Milan become recognised as an international fashion capital.

For a generalised comparison, whereas French women aim to look effortlessly elegant, Italian women embrace a more dramatic glamour. The Italian style of bella figura is glamorous, subtly sensual, confident, classy, and yet slightly edgy as well.

‘What is the fatal charm of Italy? What do we find there that can be found nowhere else? I believe it is a certain permission to be human, which other places, other countries, lost long ago.’
Erica Jong

Italian women take pride in standing out and put effort into looking good. They make sure their outfits are well put together and groomed, with good quality fabrics and design. They tend to wear clothes that are well-fitting and tailored enough emphasise their curves, but without being too tight or having too much bling. Stylish Italian women stay classy yet subtly sensual by balancing their outfits to not show too much skin. Some parts of Italy can be quite traditional and it tends to be more conservative than other cultures, such as America for example.

Italian women tend to be stylish yet understated in their approach, often with just one statement piece in outfit. More subdued, darker colours (such as black) are popular in Milan and the north of Italy, whereas bolder, brighter colours (such as a bright red jacket) tend to be worn in southern Italy. A good general guide is to wear complementary colours then add a pop of a brighter colour to the outfit.

Accessories are generally popular amongst Italian women, with a pair of stylish sunglasses being a bonus. They choose smart, often coordinating, shoes and handbags to bring their outfit together. Quality leather shoes, sandals, or boots are the most common go-to choice depending on time of year. Comfort is also very important in Italian women’s choice of shoes because Italy is filled with beautiful, old, cobbled streets and they don’t want to twist an ankle!

In autumn and winter, the Italians keep warm and combine different textures with multiple layers and long scarves. Leather jackets, long elegant coats, or faux fur are also frequently seen, and Italian women tend to choose coloured trousers rather than always wearing blue jeans.

Perhaps the key to the stereotypical Italian style is its attitude of confidence. Italian women dress with drama, flair, class, exuberance, and confidence in their own bodies and femininity. They enjoy statement pieces and glamour, yet tend to be more traditional in sticking to what they know works rather than being the first to make all the creative risks.

If you want to dress like an Italian woman or blend in like a local whilst visiting Italy, three words to bear in mind are: glamorous, classy, flair.

Learn More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BgdjYIhcWA

French Style Secrets

France has been renowned as a centre of fashion since the time of Louis XIV, who was known as ‘the Sun King’. During his reign in the 1670s, fashion prints began to be distributed around Europe to publicise French achievements. The extravagant styles of the French royal court contributed towards the French Revolution of 1789, after which the fashion became more simplified and inspired by Ancient Greece and Rome. France later renewed its dominance in haute couture between 1860-1960, when the first couturier houses and fashion press were set up in Paris.

During the twentieth century, French fashion was influenced by new French designers such as Coco Chanel, who in 1925 promoted a simple elegance with items such as the little black dress and Breton striped tops. After the end of the Second World War and France’s liberation from Nazi invasion, French fashion returned to prominence again with designers such as Christian Dior in 1947, Givenchy in 1952, Coco Chanel’s return to Paris in 1952, and Yves Saint Laurent who expanded mass manufacturing and marketing from 1966. Nowadays Paris is still referred to by many as ‘the world’s fashion capital’.

Today, the Parisian chic style is described as sophisticated and elegant, classy yet nonchalant, polished but ultimately effortless. It’s a beautiful style that is popular with many in France, yet I feel like there’s also a particularly American, mythologised concept of the ‘French Girl’. The stereotype’s been turned into a marketing ploy, overrun with clichéd phrases such as French women having a certain ‘je ne sais quoi‘ – a saying so overused that for some reason I find it almost grating. We need to remember that there is an element of myth or stereotype to the Parisian chic style, but that said, there is something to be learnt from looking to the customs of other cultures.

I interpreted all of this to mean that a Parisian woman does not see fashion as the ultimate expression of herself but rather as complementary to her mind, her talents, her opinions, and therefore it doesn’t need to be outlandish.
Lindsey Tramuta

The Parisian chic style is based on being elegant and well-groomed, whilst embracing your ‘imperfections’ with confidence. It is about timeless style rather than fast fashion, so looks to long-lasting classic pieces instead of fleeting trends. Many items are inter-generational because they believe that good style isn’t limited by age. Heirloom jewellery with sentimental value may be inherited from mothers or grandmothers, and French women tend to invest in quality over quantity. They may have relatively few items of clothing compared to some other cultures, but those they do have will last and are well-integrated with the rest of their wardrobe, allowing more outfit combinations.

French women usually prefer neutral colours such as navy, black, white, grey, denim blue, and beige. The overall impression is one of harmony, balance, and refined simplicity. It’s polished and well put together, with coordinating colours and well-fitting clean lines. Any bright colours or patterns will be balanced out with more neutral items in the rest of the outfit so that nothing clashes and its not too busy. Stick to just two or maybe three colours and no more than one patterned piece at a time.

Parisian chic is a classy standard for all occasions, as French women will tend to make only minor alterations instead of dressing up or down in the way that some other cultures (such as the British) do when going out in the evening. French women have a higher base standard of being well-groomed and harmoniously-dressed all the time but are then relaxed or nonchalant about it, coming across as effortless because it’s become their norm.

What makes Parisian chic style stand out is the attention paid to little details that make a subtle difference. These often give a slight twist and cool edge to an otherwise simple ensemble. This could be combining different textures in a neutral-coloured outfit, or adding a pop of bright colour such as red with accessories, or choosing items with subtle detailing that makes them a slight twist on a classic piece. Style is shown in noticing and paying attention to the details, rather than striving to stand out in some outlandish pattern or garish colour.

If you want to dress like a French woman or blend in like a local whilst visiting France, three words to bear in mind are: sophisticated, effortless, detailing.

Learn More:

How To Develop Valuable Friendships

We all long for friends, and not just for friends but for deep meaningful connections that make us feel seen. It’s part of being human and something that we all desperately need. Chances are, if you’re reading this blog article you want to improve your social life and find those valuable friendships. It’s perfectly within your reach, but don’t be deluded by the Instagram ‘friendship goals’ aesthetics. Nobody just becomes instant BFFs – it takes time and commitment to develop a friendship. But what are the stages in that process? I find structured frameworks helpful, so I thought I would share the friendship stages that I’ve identified. Being able to assess a relationship can help you to know how to grow it to the next level. As a general guide, women and girls tend to bond primarily by talking together, whereas men and boys tend to bond primarily by doing things together. Friendships need an approximate ratio of five positive experiences for every more demanding experience, so make sure you’re giving as well as taking.

1 Stranger

Strangers form most of the population. They are all the people you don’t know and many of us run across them on a daily basis. You may know the names of some strangers, for example celebrities or politicians, but there is no reciprocal relationship. Most strangers will stay strangers – there’s 7.7 billion people in the world after all! – but some of them are potential friends just waiting to be met.

2 Acquaintance

Acquaintances make up most of the people we interact with. They are those that we recognise and know by name but don’t know well enough to have any emotional relationship with. The anthropologist Robin Dunbar has proposed what is known as ‘Dunbar’s number’ – that the human brain can comfortably maintain about 150 stable relationships at any one time. The actual number can range between 100 and 250, with 150 being an average for most people. Historically this was the number of people that was typically found in a village or community. The idea is that there is a limitation to the number of people that humans can maintain social contact with.

3 Friendly Acquaintance

Friendly acquaintances aren’t quite friends but are more than neutral acquaintances. These are the people you would say hello to and perhaps have small talk with if you met them. If all of your friendships at higher levels are fully developed, Dunbar’s number suggests that about 80 people out of the 150 would remain at this level. As a general guide, you usually need meet up with someone six to eight times before you begin to feel like friends – which is what a friendly acquaintance is. You feel friendly towards each other but aren’t fully friends yet.

4 Casual Friend

Casual friends are those you enjoy hanging out with and perhaps are in a shared group with. You enjoy each other’s company and have fun together, but you don’t tend to share your deepest vulnerabilities and probably wouldn’t go to them in a time of need. Casual friendships are usually based on common interests or shared circumstances. If the 150 people of Dunbar’s Number are your ‘tribe’, then the up to 50 people who form your casual friends are the equivalent of your ‘clan’. It takes around 50 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

5 Good Friend

Good friends are people you know well. You can have fun together but have also developed a significant amount of trust. This is your second closest circle of friends and is made up of not more than 15 people. Good friends usually take up about a quarter of your total social time, which is about 1.7% of your social time per person. On average it can be expected to take 100 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

6 Close Friend

Close friends form your inner circle and are your go-to friends for most difficult situations. These are people whom you really love, trust, and know very well. Most people can only maintain up to five close friends, or four if they’re in a romantic relationship. This inner circle of close friends takes up about half of your total social time, meaning you spend 10% of your social time with each, or 20% for a romantic partner. Because these people are so close and you spend a lot of time with them, they are highly influential and will shape who you become. It’s not for nothing that there’s a saying that you’re the sum of the five people closest to you. Be friendly to everyone, but don’t let just anyone into this inner circle. As a guide, it takes approximately 200 hours of bonding time to develop a friendship to this level.

7 Best Friend

Best friends are included within the four or five people of your inner circle, but are the one or perhaps two of them that you feel closest to of all. For example, if you were to get married, your close friends would be those who you’d probably choose as bridesmaids whereas your best friend would be the one you’d single out to be your maid of honour. If you’re in a healthy, committed, long-term romantic relationship then your partner would most likely be equivalent to the best friend level as well.

8 Old Friend

Old friends are almost in a category of their own, which can make them difficult to place. We all change and our friendships change throughout life. Some people we stay close with or in contact to, whilst other people fade out of our lives or drift into its fringes. Old friends perhaps used to be a close friend or even best friend but are no longer. They may now be more on the friendly acquaintance level or not even in your life at all, but they still hold the remnant and memory of what used to be. Perhaps you feel nostalgic about their friendship sometimes, or maybe sad. Either way they hold the sense of something past rather than something with unknown promise, which separates them from other people at the same friendship level as them. Old friends once knew you well and may know things about you that no one else does, but they no longer have that closeness or intimacy that they once did. Sometimes old friendships can be revived; other times you just have to learn to let them go and seek new friends elsewhere.

Everyday Deportment & Posture

‘Bodies… are born beautiful, but it’s the way we stand and sit that misshapes them.’
Clover Stroud

Good posture is important. It means using your body as it was designed to be used. Proper posture is beneficial for your health because it helps to train your body away from distorted positions that could cause issues such as backache later on in life. Aside from the health concerns, posture radically impacts your appearance – both in terms of beauty and as body language. Your posture communicates how you feel about yourself and is arguably the single easiest thing to change to instantly appear more beautiful and more confident. What’s more, it doesn’t need to cost anything.

Traditionally good posture was taught in finishing schools as part of lessons on deportment. They recognised that deportment, or knowing how to move and hold yourself with elegant grace, was subtle yet important in contributing towards success in life. These days we spend so much time hunched over computer or phone screens that many of us seem to have forgotten this. Bad posture has become so normal that sometimes we don’t even recognise what’s wrong. I hope this guide will help.

Head & Neck

Keep your head up and your neck straight, with your ears in line with your shoulders. Look forwards in the direction you are going instead of letting your neck hunch forwards as if you’re constantly bending over a phone screen. Keep your chin up and level, with your head straight. You want neither for your nose to be snootily in the air nor for your head to be bent down in shame. If you rest your index finger vertically against the front of your neck, it will help check your chin is in the correct position. Imagine you are wearing a crown. You want your posture to be regal. Traditionally this has been practised in finishing schools by balancing a book on the head to make sure the head is straight and movements are graceful.

Shoulders & Arms

Roll your shoulders back and down, so that it opens up your chest. Make sure your shoulders aren’t hunched up like they’re trying to curl up in a foetal position. A trick is to check that your thumbs are pointing forwards instead of inwards towards your body, because because that automatically rotates your arms and shoulders back. However, make sure your body is relaxed and your shoulders aren’t stiff or forced into an extreme position.

Spine & Pelvis

Rotate your pelvis under you as if you were tucking your tail bone in. You want to keep your spine straight all the way through your back, from your neck through to your tail bone. Stretch your spine straight as tall as it goes. There should be a natural curve in your spine, but don’t intentionally arch your back (something many women tend to do when trying to improve their posture) because that will only lead to back ache long term as it’s not correct posture.

Stomach

Pull your stomach in and stay relaxed. The idea is not to worry about your weight, but to elongate the front of your body. Hold your body to its full height. You have value and should carry yourself in knowledge of that. Elegant posture doesn’t try to hide and isn’t ashamed to exist.

Legs & Knees

Stand with your weight evenly distributed across both feet. Keep your legs straight but with your knees relaxed. Good posture is neither stiff nor lazy, and should be relaxed yet regal. Deportment is something to practise everyday until it becomes second nature. It may take some time to break old habits, but your long-term health and beauty will benefit greatly from it.

Learn More

Hard Lessons About Friendship

Friendship is difficult. There, I’ve said it. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable to complain about the difficulties with romantic relationships and boyfriends – but not about friendships. We’re expected to have friends. To admit otherwise feels like it would be publicly branding ourselves as a loser and a ‘Larry loner’, as people used to say at school. And if we admit to having no friends, we feel like we come across as desperate and no one else would want to be our friend.

This is perhaps especially true for girls and women because growing up we get taught to romanticise the idea of being Best Friends Forever. We were supposed to gossip and share secrets at sleepovers, to declare our affection by exchanging friendship bracelets. Sometimes that works, but other times it doesn’t. And often when we do find that, it doesn’t last.

My intention in writing this is to encourage those out there who feel alone. You’re not alone. Life is hard, and all human relationships can be difficult. Society today is increasingly connected and yet disconnected. It’s now considered normal to be sitting with a group of ‘friends’ whilst they’re all staring at their phones instead of talking to the person right beside them. Even when you put in the effort to meet lots of new people and become part of a community, you can still be amongst them and feel completely invisible. What I want to say is, yes it is hard. It’s ok if it hurts sometimes. You’re ok, and you will find your tribe eventually. Hold on to faith and keep trying. Those good friends will come.

1 It Takes Time

It takes time to develop good friendships and it’s a process you’ll have to see through. Unfortunately, instant friends don’t exist and you’ll have to spend plenty of time with people before a lasting relationship will develop.

2 It Doesn’t Just Happen

Friendships take work and effort. They don’t happen automatically and just spending time with someone doesn’t guarantee friendship. It’s even possible to live with people for a significant amount of time without becoming more than acquaintances. You have to be proactive.

3 Friendships Grow From Fun

When you feel lonely, it’s natural to want to feel seen and understood. You’re like a book that wants to be read, but not everyone deserves to read you. Someone doesn’t need to know every detail about you in order to become friends. Just have fun together and vulnerability can follow later.

4 Avoid Oversharing

Be aware that oversharing will only create a false sense of closeness too early that will likely leave you disappointed. It’s important to share what you’re going through with people, but make sure that the depth of vulnerability matches the depth of the relationship.

5 Best Friends Forever?

As children we romanticised the idea of having BFFs. Friendships can and do last through different stages of life, but life is more complicated and challenging than we understood at that age. Sometimes it lets us down and sometimes people drift apart. In reality, best friends rarely last forever. Most (though not all) friends are only for a season and that’s ok.

6 Make Memories

Even if the majority of the people we encounter are only temporary, that doesn’t decrease the value of friendships and human interactions. Create and treasure memories that will carry you through different seasons of life. They are precious in their transience.

7 Learn From Everyone

You can learn something from everyone, no matter how similar or different they are to you. Some people may just be a cameo in your life but they can change the course of the rest of your life. Stay open minded. Equally, you may just be passing through someone else’s life, so make sure you leave a positive impact. You’ll never know where that could lead.

8 Sisters Before Misters?

For all the pithy sayings such as ‘sisters before misters’ and ‘mates before dates’, they don’t always carry out in real life. When someone gets in a romantic relationship it’s normal for them to disappear into the ‘boyfriend vortex’ for a honeymoon period, but they should then find balance and have time again. If someone lets a boyfriend change a friendship, even after you tell them how you feel, then there’s nothing you can do. You can still be friends but might have to find other friends as well.

9 Rejection Is Real

The harsh truth is that not everyone is looking for more friends. Sometimes they won’t care, or might be happy just as acquaintances. Allow yourself to feel disappointment at rejection but don’t take it too personally. Look for the people who are also in want of new friends.

10 Expectations Hurt

When searching for friendship, your expectations will hurt you more than other people’s actions. Have your hopes but remember that is what they are – hopes. Not everyone has the same goals or perspectives, so do good without expecting anything in return.

11 Not All Friends Are Equal

There are different types and levels of friendships, as well as different types of loneliness. All stages of friendship are worthy of being treasured, yet don’t give up in pursuit of the type of friends you need.

12 Seasons of Loneliness

Accept there may be seasons of loneliness in your life. I find it helpful to think of life as a series of seasons. Life is an organic, forever-changing process that will lead you where you are meant to be eventually, if only you hold onto faith and keep trying. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is to ‘keep showing up’. No season lasts forever and you will find your tribe.

I know that not everyone who reads this will be Christian and I don’t mean to force my faith on anyone, but I truly believe that God loves YOU, regardless of who you are or what you’ve done, and regardless of whether you even believe in Him or not. You are God’s beloved child and He knows you completely, in all your strengths and weaknesses and humanity. He is more gentle and more kind than we can even comprehend, and wants to have a relationship with you – if only you will invite Him into your life.

I just want to offer the encouragement that God has worked through some of the most challenging, lonely seasons of my life to lead me where I believe He wants me to be. I’m not completely out the other side yet, but I’m so grateful for what He’s done so far. And I trust that my close-knit ‘tribe’ will come in time.

Learn More

Sarai: Flawed Yet Faithful (Part One)

Bible Verses: Genesis 11:29-32, Genesis 12:5-13:1, Genesis 16:1-9, Genesis 17:15-21, Genesis 18:6-15, Genesis 20:1-21:12, Genesis 23:1-20, Genesis 24:36, Genesis 24:67, Genesis 25:10, Genesis 25:12, Genesis 49:29-32, Isaiah 51:1-2, Romans 4:18-20, Romans 9:8-9, Galatians 4:21-31, Hebrews 11:11-13, 1 Peter 3:1-6

Sarai is the woman mentioned the most number of times in the Bible. She was also the only woman to have her name changed by God, from Sarai to Sarah, which was an act with significant symbolism in the Bible. Sarai/Sarah was the first matriarch of the Jewish people, and the first woman in the ‘ancestral history’ of the Bible whom we know to have been a historical figure. Sarai lived around 2000 BC, during the middle of the Bronze Age in the Fertile Crescent of the Middle East. She was a very real women with her own faults and flaws, yet in spite of those is held up in the New Testament as an example of faith.

Sarai’s Genealogy

Sarai is first introduced as part of a genealogy that had descended from those who were at the tower of Babel. Genealogies and history were important in the Bible because they were a way to track the faithfulness of God and the fulfilment His promises over the long term. Sarai was the wife of Abram, as well as his half-sister (since that was considered acceptable at that point in history). A specific detail that is pointed out about her is that she was barren and had no children.

The Start of A Journey

Sarai initially lived in Ur of the Chaldees, a city in southern Mesopotamia that historians have associated with the worship of a moon god. She later travelled with her father Terah, her husband Abram, and her nephew Lot to Haran. The city of Haran is thought to be in the south of modern-day Turkey. Terah had originally intended to go to the land of Canaan and we don’t know why he stopped in Haran, but the family dwelt there for some time until Terah died and it was time to continue on their journey again.

After Terah had died, God called Sarai’s husband Abram. God told him to get out of that country for a land that God would show him later, promising to bless Abram and turn him into a great nation. So Sarai travelled on from Haran with her husband Abram, their nephew Lot, and all the servants they had gained. Sarai had no idea what she would face and must have been concerned about the promise that her husband would found a nation when she was unable to have children. God told them what they needed to know at that point, rather than all they wanted to know. Neither Sarai nor Abram could have understood God’s plans, but they decided to have faith and trust His promises. They travelled to the land of Canaan, which is around modern-day Israel, and then continued to journey south through Canaan. Their family had been chosen by God to bless all of humanity, for God saw potential they couldn’t even comprehend.

A Beautiful Woman

After some time there came a famine in the land of Canaan, so the family travelled further south into Egypt to avoid the famine. This perhaps also foreshadows later biblical events, such as when Joseph’s brothers travelled to Egypt during another famine. Sarai was incredibly beautiful, and because of this Abram afraid that the Egyptians would kill him in order to take her. To guard his own safety, Abram asked Sarai to say that she was his sister instead of his wife. Sarai clearly loved her husband Abram very much, because she agreed to his rather selfish plan.

When the Egyptians and their princes saw Sarai they told the Pharaoh of her beauty, and she was taken into the Pharaoh’s house. This was a dangerous situation for both Sarai and Abram, but especially so for Sarai. Not only was she a beautiful woman in a strange foreign land, but she was now held at the will of an extremely powerful man whose intentions we may guess, and her husband was too afraid of a threat on his own life to help her. If she pretended to be unmarried, the Pharaoh would take her regardless of her own wishes. If she admitted to being married, then her husband would most likely be killed and then the Pharaoh would take her anyway. All she could do was hope that God would somehow save her.

The Pharaoh thought that Abram was Sarai’s brother so, because of Sarai, treated Abram well and gave him many gifts. It was an outwardly prosperous yet secretly very tense situation. Luckily for them, God intervened. He had other plans for them. For Sarai’s sake, God sent plagues on Pharaoh and his house – which seems to foreshadow the plagues of Exodus. Discovering the truth through these plagues, Pharaoh called Abram to him. He asked why ever had Abram not told him that Sarai was his wife, and sent them both away out of Egypt with all of their belongings – including the possessions Abram had gained whilst there.

Challenging Times

Sarai travelled back into the south of Canaan with Abram, their nephew Lot, and their servants. Although her own situation seems to have been much more peaceful for some time afterwards, there were difficult situations with family that must have affected her on an emotional level at least. Her nephew Lot separated from the rest of the family, ended up living in the city of Sodom, was taken captive during a war that involved an attack on Sodom, and then her husband Abram went to war to free Lot. To top it all off, God reiterated His promise to Abram for a fourth time that Abram would have children and as many descendants as there are stars in the sky – even through Sarai was barren. While God’s promise was received as a blessing by Abram, it’s uncertain whether Sarai received it the same way. It must have been an enormous pressure to her. Perhaps she questioned whether she was just standing in Abram’s way, since it was clear she was unable to have children.

Capable of Cruelty

Sarai wasn’t a woman to just wait passively by. After ten years of having returned to Canaan from Egypt, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Sarai desperately longed for a child and God had promised her husband many descendants, but she recognised that God had stopped her from bearing children. She decided to turn to what was a common ‘solution’ in the surrounding cultures of that time and told Abram to sleep with her Egyptian handmaid Hagar. This is the first time we hear about Hagar, who was presumably gifted to her during her time in Egypt. The idea was that Hagar would bear a child on Sarai’s behalf so that Sarai could have a child through her. In the surrounding cultures of the time, a wife’s purpose was considered to be to provide heirs for her husband. If she was unable to, then it was considered her responsibility to find a second ‘wife’ for him. Sarai had clearly absorbed this expectation from those surrounding cultures and defined her worth by whether she was a mother or not.

Abram agreed to Sarai’s plan and Hagar became pregnant. On discovering this, Hagar began to feel superior about achieving what Sarai could not. She began to despise Sarai, her mistress, and no doubt Hagar rather rubbed this accomplishment in Sarai’s face, picking at Sarai’s most painful insecurities. Instead of finding joy in the child, which had been her plan after all, Sarai blamed Abram and told him that God would judge between them. Trying to stay out of it and avoid conflict, Abram told Sarai that Hagar was her servant so she could do as she liked. This led to Sarai harshly mistreating Hagar out of her jealousy, painful insecurities, anger at being looked down on, and desire to reestablish her status as Hagar’s mistress and Abram’s wife. For all her good qualities, Sarai had bad ones too. When angry and hurting she was capable of great cruelty, to the extent that Hagar ran away into the desert whilst still pregnant, although she later returned. This is the first example of woman against woman bullying in the Bible.

A Woman’s Worth

Sarai is presented to further extend the image from Eve of God’s intention for women. Eve was named the ‘mother of all the living’ before she had even had any children, and Sarai’s story further emphasises that children are not the root of women’s value or of a wife’s purpose. Because she had no child, Sarai thought she was nothing; whereas when Hagar had a child, Hagar thought she was everything. They both believed too much in what the world declared, and in seeking their worth through accomplishments found only misery. The fallen culture of our broken world tends to pit women against each other in competition, when they should instead be supporting and empowering each other.

Women may seek their value in motherhood like Sarai did, or nowadays they may seek it in a successful career, external appearance, a romantic relationship, superficial popularity, or even the mythical success of ‘having it all’. All of these are equally harmful. Although the accomplishments themselves may be good, they shouldn’t be the source of our identity. We don’t need to seek our worth through external validation, and if we do it will only leave us empty because the things of the world are all fleeting. As women, and as humans, we have intrinsic value because we are made in the image of God. We are unconditionally loved by God and have immense value in Him that is not dependent on whatever we might do or achieve.

A Renowned Princess

When Abram was 99-years-old and Sarai was 90-years-old, God made a covenant with Abram. God changed Abram’s name (meaning ‘exalted father’ in Hebrew) to Abraham (which meant ‘father of many’ in Hebrew), and He also changed Sarai’s name to Sarah. Names are significant in the Bible and changing their names indicates the new role that God had for them, symbolically establishing their new identities. Sarai meant ‘my princess’, showing that she was beloved and honoured by her family who had named her, as well as by God. Sarah, by comparison, means ‘princess’. This was an expansion of her identity to a wider recognition and historical importance. Sarah (as Sarai was now called) would be a princess not just to her own family who knew her, but to all people. She would be acknowledged and honoured as important in God’s human story – and as we’re still talking about her around 4,000 years later, we can see that God kept His promises!

As well as changing Sarai/Sarah’s name, God told Abram/Abraham that He would bless her and give them a son together. God would make Sarah ‘a mother of nations’ and declared that kings would be descended from her. On hearing this Abraham laughed because they were both old and long past childbearing years. God (who seems to have a sense of humour) confirmed that Sarah would have a son that time the next year and told Abraham to call their son ‘Isaac’, meaning ‘laughter’. God promised that He would make a covenant with Isaac and with his descendants after him for time everlasting – among whom we are counted if we believe. God named Sarah ‘princess’ and we are all daughters of the king if only we accept God as our king.

Sarai’s story will be continued in a second blog post, telling part two of her life under her new name of Sarah.

The Three Human Motivations

‘Human behaviour is complicated; human motivation is simple.’ So says Larry C Rosen in his TEDx talk, which I will link below. There’s much truth in the statement, and in his talk Rosen proposes what he thinks the three underlying human motivations are. I think it’s important to learn to understand others better if we want to become better women, or even just better people, so I wanted to share the ideas here.

Yet, I couldn’t help thinking why? Why are these three motives behind every human decision? Each is somewhat simplified and boiled down to include a range of different needs, but the three key motives still stand. I decided to give my own twist on it instead of simply sharing someone else’s ideas, and that involved turning to the Bible. I was curious to see whether I could find these three motives in the creation story of humans. The short answer is yes, I did. These motives may be manifested in healthy or unhealthy ways, yet when they are healthy they tap into what God made us humans to be. When these core motivations manifest in unhealthy ways (as, unfortunately, they all too often do) they indicate a distorted corruption of what we were made to be and we need to be aware of that.

I started this post intending it to be about psychology and understanding people better, yet in the process of planning it seems to have turned in part into a mini Bible study. I guess the Bible just has a lot to say about our human condition. God knows us best. Anyway, let’s get to the point. The three core human motives are: physical, relational, and aspirational.

Motive One: Physical

‘And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.’
Genesis 2:7

The Bible says that, as humans, we are made of earth and spirit combined. We are physical as well as spiritual beings, and as such we have physical needs. These can be seen in the physiological needs and safety needs at the foundation of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the physical need for sustenance, health, a pain-free environment, rest, exercise, safety, and security. If we don’t have those, we will be motivated to gain them however we can.

Motive Two: Relational

‘And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’
Genesis 2:18

Humans are social creatures and pack animals. We are not meant to be alone, hence why God created Adam and Eve for each other. When we feel alone or isolated we will eventually be driven to change that, which can be a great thing when pursued in a healthy way – but unfortunately humans aren’t always healthy. This requirement is seen in the belonging and love needs and the esteem needs that form the middle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the relational need for love, empathy, community, friendships, intimacy, respect, and appreciation.

Motive Three: Aspirational

‘And the LORD God took the man, and put him in the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.’
Genesis 2:15

It’s significant that one of the first things God did with His newly created humans was to give them a purpose. We were made in the image of God to become His partners in creating an even better world, and as such have an inner urge to explore. This is represented in the self-actualisation needs at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We have the aspirational need for creativity, curiosity, autonomy, meaning, purpose, and the achieving of our potential. This has been the motivation for many of the incredible discoveries and advancements that has led humanity to where we are today, however it has also been corrupted at times and led to the invention of terrible things as well.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

The thing is find interesting about this way of summarising human motivations is that it emphasises how all human actions originate from natural needs. It’s only in the way that those motives manifest that they sometimes get corrupted and become problematic. No matter how good or bad someone is, they are still human. That doesn’t make bad behaviour excusable – choice is a powerful responsibility we all have – but thinking this way helps to promote empathy. Kind or evil behaviour, though drastically different, can come from the same motive and are really just two sides of the same coin. Being aware of this should help us guard against our own choices to make sure we choose what is right, good, true, and kind, because the possibility of corruption is never far away. We have the power to choose what is right over what is easy.