‘If’ Poems for Girls

Rudyard Kipling’s poem ‘If—’ has been highly popular and achieved cultural-artefact status in Britain. It was written around 1895 and addressed to his son, advising him on how to become a man of character and integrity. Ever since its publication in 1910, ‘If—’ has inspired many parodies or imitations. Several of these have transformed the paternal advice into poems speaking to daughters about womanhood. Some of these adaptations have more helpful messages than others.

Below I have shared the original poem and three versions addressed to girls. The first is by J P McEvoy, an American writer, who published his ‘“If” for Girls’ in 1924. The second is Elizabeth Lincoln Otis’ poem ‘An “If” for Girls’ from 1931. Finally is Irish poet Alice Kinsella’s poem ‘When’, which she wrote for International Women’s Day in 2017, and which was then performed by a group of 16 different female poets. Whilst Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If—’ is addressed to his son, the advice can perhaps equally apply to girls. Each of these writers has a different interpretation of advice for daughters, and it is interesting to note the differences.

‘If—’ by Rudyard Kipling (1895)

In writing ‘If—’ Rudyard Kipling was inspired by Scottish colonial politician Leander James Starr, who was made the scapegoat of the failed Jameson Raid that brought about the Boer War a few years later from 1899-1902. The poem is an example of Victorian-era stoicism, self-discipline, and the British cultural virtue of a stiff upper lip. It celebrates heroism, dignity, stoicism, fortitude, self-discipline, resolution, integrity, inner strength, and courage in the face of disaster.

‘If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!’

‘If—’ by Rudyard Kipling (1895)

‘”If” for Girls’ by J P McEvoy (1924)

J P McEvoy’s ‘”If” for Girls’ seems to me to be the most similar in tone to Rudyard Kipling’s original poem, however the adaptation has messages of its own. ‘”If” for Girls’ has a more domestic and relational approach. It encourages hopefulness in all circumstances, humility, gentleness, moderation, appropriate boundaries, and a strong faith that empowers girls to assert themselves and stand up for what they believe to be right. Notably, it has a more overtly Christian perspective that points girls to seek God in all circumstances of life.

‘If you can hear the whispering about you,
And never yield to deal in whispers, too;
If you can bravely smile when loved ones doubt you,
And never doubt, in turn, what loved ones do;
If you can keep a sweet and gentle spirit
In spite of fame or fortune, rank or place,
And though you win your goal or only near it,
Can win with poise and lose with equal grace;

If you can meet with Unbelief, believing,
And hallow in your heart a simple Creed,
If you can meet Deception, undeceiving,
And learn to look to God for all you need;
If you can be what girls should be to mothers:
Chums in joy and comrades in distress,
And be unto others as you’d have the others
Be unto you – No more, and yet no less;

If you can keep within your heart the power
To say that firm, unconquerable “No”;
If you can brave a present shadowed hour,
Rather than yield to build a future woe;
If you can love, yet not let loving master,
But keep yourself within your own self’s clasp,
And not let dreaming lead you to disaster,
Nor pity’s fascination loose your grasp;

If you can lock your heart on confidences,
Nor ever needlessly in turn confide;
If you can put behind you all pretenses
Of mock humility or foolish pride:
If you can keep the simple, homely virtue
Of walking right with God – then have no fear
That anything in all the world can hurt you-
And – which is more – you’ll be a Woman, dear.’

‘”If” for Girls’ by J P McEvoy (1924)

‘An “If” for Girls’ by Elizabeth Lincoln Otis (1931)

Little is known about Elizabeth Lincoln Otis. Her poem ‘An “If” for Girls’ contains some good advice, yet it also comes across as rather patronising and sexist by today’s standards. The poem is focused on external accomplishments over inner character, promoting high requirements for some ideal of perfection. The skills it recommends are good things to learn and some of them were likely considered progressive in her own time. However, the poem’s focus remains limited to becoming a pleasing wife and good mother, prepared to accommodate the wishes of men. For example, the poem’s ideal woman should be able to dance but must not have ‘a craze for dancing’, because to have her own passionate hobbies or interests would be an inconvenience to the men in her life. Being a good wife, mother, and homemaker are admirable goals, but girls should be encouraged to explore their own interests rather than try to fit into some mould.

‘If you can dress to make yourself attractive,
Yet not make puffs and curls your chief delight;
If you can swim and row, be strong and active,
But of the gentler graces lose not sight;
If you can dance without a craze for dancing,
Play without giving play too strong a hold,
Enjoy the love of friends without romancing,
Care for the weak, the friendless and the old;

If you can master French and Greek and Latin,
And not acquire, as well, a priggish mien,
If you can feel the touch of silk and satin
Without despising calico and jean;
If you can ply a saw and use a hammer,
Can do a man’s work when the need occurs,
Can sing when asked, without excuse or stammer,
Can rise above unfriendly snubs and slurs;
If you can make good bread as well as fudges,
Can sew with skill and have an eye for dust,
If you can be a friend and hold no grudges,
A girl whom all will love because they must;

If sometime you should meet and love another
And make a home with faith and peace enshrined,
And you its soul—a loyal wife and mother—
You’ll work out pretty nearly to my mind
The plan that’s been developed through the ages,
And win the best that life can have in store,
You’ll be, my girl, the model for the sages—
A woman whom the world will bow before.’

‘An “If” for Girls’ by Elizabeth Lincoln Otis (1931)

‘When’ by Alice Kinsella (2017)

Alice Kinsella’s poem ‘When’ immediately strikes a more confident, assured tone just from the title. It is no longer a case of ‘If’ but ‘When’. Her feminist poem feels the injustices of life and recognises that daughters will be hurt, yet promotes an inner strength and fire of a fighting spirit that will never give up on what is right regardless. In her poem, women know their vulnerability as well as their power, and are supportive as a sisterhood to every other woman. Becoming a worthy woman is a process that comes more from experiencing life as a woman and refusing to give up, rather than from the specific accomplishments of other poems. Being a woman is a lived experience rather than ‘some myth of virtue’. The world unfortunately will try to break women down, but they must learn to get up again and still laugh at the days to come.

‘When you can say the words that are not listened to
But keep on saying them because you know they’re true;
When you can trust each other when all men doubt you
And from support of other women make old words new;
When you can wait, and know you’ll keep on waiting
That you’ll be lied to, but not sink to telling lies;
When you know you may hate, but not be consumed by hating
And know that beauty doesn’t contradict the wise;

When you can dream – and know you have no master;
When you can think – let those thoughts drive your aim;
When you receive desire and abuse from some Bastard
And treat both manipulations just the same;
When you hear every trembling word you’ve spoken
Retold as lies, from a dishonest heart;
When you have had your life, your body, broken
But stop, breathe, and rebuild yourself right from the start;

When you can move on but not forget your beginnings
And do what’s right no matter what the cost;
Lose all you’ve worked for, forget the aim of winning
And learn to find the victory in your loss;
When you can see every woman struggle – to
create a legacy, for after they are gone
And work with them, when nothing else connects you
Except the fight in you which says: ‘Hold on!’

When you can feel the weight of life within you
But know that you alone are just enough;
When you know not to judge on some myth of virtue
To be discerning, but not too tough;
When you know that you have to fight for every daughter
Even though you are all equal to any son;
When you know this, but still fill your days with laughter
You’ll have the earth, because you are a woman!’

‘When’ by Alice Kinsella (2017)