‘Politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice.’
Florence Hartley
The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness. A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society was written by Florence Hartley, an American lady of the mid-Victorian period. It was first published in Boston in 1860, and is now freely available online to the public. An equivalent book of etiquette for gentlemen was published in the same year by a Cecil B Hartley, who I suppose to have been some male relation of Florence Hartley. Besides etiquette, Florence Hartley also wrote on needlework and was an advocate for women’s health. Her books received favourable reviews during her own time, but little is known about her life.
Since it is Victorian, some parts of Florence Hartley’s book are naturally dated – for instance the constant requirement for an escort or chaperone, the suspicion of servants, the formality of bowing in greeting, and the abundance of socialising hours available to the Victorian lady of leisure. Despite this, there’s much advice that is still relevant today. The underlying principles of good manners are universal, carrying across into all cultural contexts, even though the specific behaviour of etiquette manifests differently. Florence Hartley’s discussion of ‘true Christian politeness’ for ladies explores a range of topics including: conversation, dress, travelling, hospitality, visiting, letter writing, deportment, conduct in church, social events, accomplishments, servants, engagements, and weddings.
I appreciate quirky old books, and so personally find the historic material as interesting as the etiquette still applicable today. For Florence Hartley, etiquette seems to be most exemplified in hospitality and therefore this is a large focus in the book, with information for both hostess and guest. She included a considerable chapter on accomplishments, where in addition to the usual accomplishments she promotes conversational skills, horse riding, and gives detailed instructions on needlework. Besides working on such accomplishments, ladies were advised to walk four or five miles a day, and the visiting hours of Victorian society tended to be between 11am and 3pm. Since The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness is no longer under copyright restrictions, I have taken advantage of that by sharing a liberal selection of quotations below, along with a link to the free audiobook.
On Politeness & Etiquette
‘To be truly polite, remember, you must be polite at all times and under all circumstances.’
Florence Hartley
‘True politeness will be found – its basis in the human heart – the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year.’
Florence Hartley
‘If you neglect these little details at home, and in private, they will be performed awkwardly and with an air of restraint when you are in company. By making them habitual, they will become natural and appear easily, and sit gracefully upon you.’
Florence Hartley
On Conversation
‘To be able to converse really well, you must read much. Treasure in your memory the pearls of what you read. You must have a quick comprehension. Observe passing events and listen attentively whenever there is any opportunity of acquiring knowledge.’
Florence Hartley
‘You may unintentionally start a subject which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you may be conversing; in that case do not stop abruptly when you perceive that it causes pain, and above all do not make the matter worse by apologising. Turn to another subject as soon as possible and pay no attention to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have excited.’
Florence Hartley
‘One good rule can be always followed by young ladies: to converse with a lady friend as if there were gentlemen present, and to converse with a gentleman as if in the room with other ladies.’
Florence Hartley
On Invitations & Hospitality
‘The severest test of good breeding in a lady is in the position of hostess.’
Florence Hartley
‘As a first rule, with regards to paying a visit, the best one is never to accept a general invitation. Instances are very common where women – I cannot say ladies – have upon a slight acquaintance and a “when you are in C, I should be very happy to have you visit me,” actually gone to C from their own home and, with bag and baggage, quartered themselves upon the hospitality of their newly made friend for weeks at a time. Even where there is a long-standing friendship, it is not well to visit uninvited.’
Florence Hartley
‘Your enjoyment of a party depends far less on what you find there than on what you carry with you… If you go to C, and to here, and to make the best of whatever occurs, with a disposition to admire all that is beautiful and to sympathise in the pleasures of others, you can hardly fail to spend the time pleasantly. The less you think of yourself and your claims to attention the better. If you are much attended to, receive it modestly and consider it as a happy accident. If you are little noticed, use your leisure in observing others.’
Florence Hartley
On Gracious Dignity
‘Leave him to think that the ladies in America [or whatever country you are from] are well-bred, however much he may dislike some little national peculiarity.’
Florence Hartley
‘If you receive an impertinent letter, treat it with contempt. Do not answer it.’
Florence Hartley
On Accomplishments
‘Take the young lady, after a solid basis has been laid in her mind of the more important branches of education, and rear upon that basis the structure of lighter education: the accomplishments. To cultivate these, disregarding the more solid information, is to build your castle without any solid foundation and is not only absurd, but unsteady.’
Florence Hartley
‘First upon the list of accomplishments comes the art of conversing well. It is always ready. Circumstances in society will constantly throw you into positions where you can use no other accomplishment.’
Florence Hartley
Learn More
Introduction – 00:00:30
Chapter 1: Conversation – 00:08:00
Chapter 2: Dress – 00:28:20
Chapter 3: Travelling – 00:58:40
Chapter 4: How to Behave at a Hotel – 01:10:17
Chapter 5: Evening Parties, Etiquette for the Hostess – 01:17:58
Chapter 6: Evening Parties, Etiquette for the Guest – 01:37:50
Chapter 7: Visiting, Etiquette for the Hostess – 01:48:19
Chapter 8: Visiting, Etiquette for the Guest – 02:00:30
Chapter 9: Morning Receptions or Calls, Etiquette for the Hostess – 02:21:06
Chapter 10: Morning Receptions or Calls, Etiquette for the Guest – 02:30:57
Chapter 11: Dinner Company, Etiquette for the Hostess – 02:44:38
Chapter 12: Dinner Company, Etiquette for the Guest – 03:06:05
Chapter 13: Table Etiquette – 03:23:32
Chapter 14: Conduct in the Street – 03:31:23
Chapter 15: Letter Writing – 03:46:35
Chapter 16: Polite Deportment and Good Habits – 04:44:00
Chapter 17: Conduct in Church – 05:13:10
Chapter 18: Ballroom Etiquette, For the Hostess – 05:20:25
Chapter 19: Ballroom Etiquette, For the Guest – 05:35:54
Chapter 20: Places of Amusement – 05:47:57
Chapter 21, Part 1: Accomplishments – 05:59:45
Chapter 21, Part 2: Accomplishments – 06:49:03
Chapter 21, Part 3: Accomplishments – 07:28:38
Chapter 22: Servants – 08:07:47
Chapter 23: On a Young Lady’s Conduct When Contemplating Marriage – 08:35:50
Chapter 24: Bridal Etiquette – 09:14:49
Chapter 25: Hints on Health – 09:23:40
Chapter 26: Miscellaneous – 10:11:53
Feminine Finishing School 
One thought on “Book Review: The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette & Manual of Politeness”