Friendship is difficult. There, I’ve said it. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable to complain about the difficulties with romantic relationships and boyfriends – but not about friendships. We’re expected to have friends. To admit otherwise feels like it would be publicly branding ourselves as a loser and a ‘Larry loner’, as people used to say at school. And if we admit to having no friends, we feel like we come across as desperate and no one else would want to be our friend.
This is perhaps especially true for girls and women because growing up we get taught to romanticise the idea of being Best Friends Forever. We were supposed to gossip and share secrets at sleepovers, to declare our affection by exchanging friendship bracelets. Sometimes that works, but other times it doesn’t. And often when we do find that, it doesn’t last.
My intention in writing this is to encourage those out there who feel alone. You’re not alone. Life is hard, and all human relationships can be difficult. Society today is increasingly connected and yet disconnected. It’s now considered normal to be sitting with a group of ‘friends’ whilst they’re all staring at their phones instead of talking to the person right beside them. Even when you put in the effort to meet lots of new people and become part of a community, you can still be amongst them and feel completely invisible. What I want to say is, yes it is hard. It’s ok if it hurts sometimes. You’re ok, and you will find your tribe eventually. Hold on to faith and keep trying. Those good friends will come.
1 It Takes Time
It takes time to develop good friendships and it’s a process you’ll have to see through. Unfortunately, instant friends don’t exist and you’ll have to spend plenty of time with people before a lasting relationship will develop.
2 It Doesn’t Just Happen
Friendships take work and effort. They don’t happen automatically and just spending time with someone doesn’t guarantee friendship. It’s even possible to live with people for a significant amount of time without becoming more than acquaintances. You have to be proactive.
3 Friendships Grow From Fun
When you feel lonely, it’s natural to want to feel seen and understood. You’re like a book that wants to be read, but not everyone deserves to read you. Someone doesn’t need to know every detail about you in order to become friends. Just have fun together and vulnerability can follow later.
4 Avoid Oversharing
Be aware that oversharing will only create a false sense of closeness too early that will likely leave you disappointed. It’s important to share what you’re going through with people, but make sure that the depth of vulnerability matches the depth of the relationship.
5 Best Friends Forever?
As children we romanticised the idea of having BFFs. Friendships can and do last through different stages of life, but life is more complicated and challenging than we understood at that age. Sometimes it lets us down and sometimes people drift apart. In reality, best friends rarely last forever. Most (though not all) friends are only for a season and that’s ok.
6 Make Memories
Even if the majority of the people we encounter are only temporary, that doesn’t decrease the value of friendships and human interactions. Create and treasure memories that will carry you through different seasons of life. They are precious in their transience.
7 Learn From Everyone
You can learn something from everyone, no matter how similar or different they are to you. Some people may just be a cameo in your life but they can change the course of the rest of your life. Stay open minded. Equally, you may just be passing through someone else’s life, so make sure you leave a positive impact. You’ll never know where that could lead.
8 Sisters Before Misters?
For all the pithy sayings such as ‘sisters before misters’ and ‘mates before dates’, they don’t always carry out in real life. When someone gets in a romantic relationship it’s normal for them to disappear into the ‘boyfriend vortex’ for a honeymoon period, but they should then find balance and have time again. If someone lets a boyfriend change a friendship, even after you tell them how you feel, then there’s nothing you can do. You can still be friends but might have to find other friends as well.
9 Rejection Is Real
The harsh truth is that not everyone is looking for more friends. Sometimes they won’t care, or might be happy just as acquaintances. Allow yourself to feel disappointment at rejection but don’t take it too personally. Look for the people who are also in want of new friends.
10 Expectations Hurt
When searching for friendship, your expectations will hurt you more than other people’s actions. Have your hopes but remember that is what they are – hopes. Not everyone has the same goals or perspectives, so do good without expecting anything in return.
11 Not All Friends Are Equal
There are different types and levels of friendships, as well as different types of loneliness. All stages of friendship are worthy of being treasured, yet don’t give up in pursuit of the type of friends you need.
12 Seasons of Loneliness
Accept there may be seasons of loneliness in your life. I find it helpful to think of life as a series of seasons. Life is an organic, forever-changing process that will lead you where you are meant to be eventually, if only you hold onto faith and keep trying. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard is to ‘keep showing up’. No season lasts forever and you will find your tribe.
I know that not everyone who reads this will be Christian and I don’t mean to force my faith on anyone, but I truly believe that God loves YOU, regardless of who you are or what you’ve done, and regardless of whether you even believe in Him or not. You are God’s beloved child and He knows you completely, in all your strengths and weaknesses and humanity. He is more gentle and more kind than we can even comprehend, and wants to have a relationship with you – if only you will invite Him into your life.
I just want to offer the encouragement that God has worked through some of the most challenging, lonely seasons of my life to lead me where I believe He wants me to be. I’m not completely out the other side yet, but I’m so grateful for what He’s done so far. And I trust that my close-knit ‘tribe’ will come in time.
Feminine Finishing School 